A Lurker Lounge Contest

[Occhidiangela]

As I recall, the second line in a Haiku usually holds seven syllables. Not sure how the variations on that go, not being a Zen Haiku Master Shinto Philosopher.

As such, you might be able to tweak the first two Haiku, which still made me giggle. I know you were fried, but then again, we have edit buttons that let us do such things after the caffeine has struck! I, a true Edit Abuser, know these things!

(OBTW: you got a RL chortle out of me on Haiku Number Three! :) )

[Occhidiangela]

Gratuitous Song Entry for no particular reason. :D

Crossin' the Blood Moor late last night
He shoulda looked left and he shoulda looked right
He didn't see the polearmed, Whirly Barb
The rube got squashed and there you are!

You got yer
Dead rube in the middle of the Moor
Dead rube in the Middle of the Moor
You got yer dead rube in the middle of the Moor
With his items popped all over!

Look out for trigggers where GA-zon goes
And wear boots faster than them Goblin Toes
There's a killing bolt, inbound invisibly,
She gonna come at you with her Burrito Cheese!

You'll be a
Dead rube in the middle of the Moor
Dead rube in the Middle of the Moor
You'll be a dead rube in the middle of the Moor
Cursin' Blizzard to high Heaven!

You got your dead rube and your squished Necro
On any bnet night, you got dead scroll hacked bros
Your dead bear druid from a Hydra trap
Them PK's gloat, and though they're full of crap

There's all those
Dead rubes in the middle of the Moor
Dead rubes in the middle of the Moor
There's all them dead rubes in the middle of the Moor
Wishin' they'd played Starcraft!

C'mon, die!

(Spoken or chanted)

You got it!
It's dead, it's in the middle
Dead rube in the middle!
Dead rube in the middle of the Moor
Stuff popped to high heaven!
All over the road, Mr Blizzard man!
Oh, you got hack problems
It's dead, it's in the Blood Moor
And it's stinkin' to high, high Heaven!

(Points for those who know the original song and artist)

The Answer

[Count Duckula]

I checked out a book on Haiku from the library (easy to do since I would've shelved it working otherwise! ;)) and flipped through it. Yeah, I was taught the 5/7/5 rule too. The book (How to Haiku) says that there are four different types of haiku, as well as longer haiku. I don't work tonight--count on some more verse to help me unwind.

[Yricyn]

The players doth protest too much, me thinks.

[--Pete]

Hi,

(Points for those who know the original song and artist)

Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road -- Loudon Wainwright III

Recognized the song, had to look up the artist. Half credit? ;)

--Pete

[Obi2Kenobi]

Pindle Botter and the Sorceress' Set
aka
i need talz ammy
By Seymore Butts
A barb was looking for it, yet...
He could not find this amulet.
He'd give it to his sorc
And feel no remorse,
Because it was not in his set.

(P.S. If anyone here doesn't know what I am talking about when I say "YMCA Skeletons," PM me or say so here or something)

[Nicodemus Phaulkon]

Mom and Dad had a well-worn, slightly scratched LP when I was growing up called "K-tel's Kooky Kountry". Among the other gems (and pains) on that record was "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road", though I couldn't have told you the artist. However, Little Jimmy's (?) "How to Catch an African Skeeter", Roger Miller's "Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd" and the immortal "I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes" still stand out as memorable as well.

I'm almost positive Mom still has that LP stashed away, somewhere. I'll have to dig in her basement one of these days.

Thanks for the memories, Occhi.

[Jeunemaitre]

From "The Party of Adventurers: A Saga of Less than Epic Proportions" By Littleton O'Meenin
"Not unlike a group of hunting cavemen inspired only by the legends told of their ancestors and armed with no more than bone toothpicks as they stalk the great bear, who while gathering strength for their coming ordeal recount their many great deeds but are nevertheless mindful of the danger lying in wait for them as they leave their sanctuary, the party, though they were well housed, well armed, and well fed orphans with little prior experience, set out upon their meaningless quest, oblivious to the lack of peril that faced them."
[/entry]


Just a side thought on peril:
Sir Galahad: Oh, please. Just a little bit of peril.
Sir Lancelot: No..., it's much too perilous.

edit: added the yellow comma; I'm not sure whether the grammar is better with it than without it, but that's why the edit button exists...

[Occhidiangela]

We really need a funny folk song revival in this country. LW III had some beauties, and Illegal Smile is just another reason to look for his stuff wherever folks can find it.

[Occhidiangela]

I liked the punch line. :D

[Count Duckula]

Cheaters ain't easy to catch but they're easy to find.
They'd rather hear Pindle get busted than your piece of mind.
Shiny white rings and Ith-studded weapons,
and each game begins the grief play.
You won't understand 'em, an' if Blizzard don't catch 'em,
They'll go get GFrazier to say:

"Oh,

Players, don't let your users go out and be cheaters.
Don't download the trainers or do them old dupes.
We're catchin' the bad guys to give 'em the scoop.
Players, don't let your users go out and be cheaters.
'Cos they'll break all the rules and call you all fools
Even when they're in the wrong."

Cheaters like low-level newbies and joining in parties,
Fast access to waypoints and lag time and high-powered toys.
Them that don't like 'em will know 'em and them that don't,
most times will learn how to take 'em.
They ain't wrong, they're just different or that's how they think
they get by with their illegal joys.

(But then, of course, Blizzard's going to release the 1.10 patch, which is supposed to end maphack, delete dupes, find Saddam Hussein, cure cancer, and other miraculous wonders, but we all know Blizzard's track record about these things, in which case the patch will only delay maphack, label dupes, give pretty good directions on how to find Hussein's son's wife's uncle's second-cousin-removed's ex-chiropractor's gardener, and cure Cancer, the zodiac symbol, all the while introducing new gimmicks to lure the legit community back to the game, for all the "spunk" has gone out of the realms ever since the cheaters started taking over, unless you count what the Battle.net wankers have been doing to their keyboards; as the patch will be a hopelessly endearing but ultimately futile effort on Blizzard's part to woo the legitimate players into the game, players will no doubt feel like the Blizzard design team is a 8-week-old golden retriever puppy who just made water on your expensive Persian rug--yeah, it's an inconvenience, but how can you chastise something that darn CUTE, and as a special bonus Blizzard's going to release patches 1.11-1.82 to try and fix 1.10's "design flaws" (read: gamebreaking bugs) and keep stacking on the patches filled with fixes and incentives until D2's so old that the Powers That Be at Microsoft Vivendi Entertainment pull poor old GFrazier, the International Public Relations Man of Mystery, out of stasis to deliver another reassuring warning to the moron-bloated Battle.net forums, saying:)

"Oh,

Players, don't let your users go out and be cheaters.
Don't download the trainers or do them old dupes.
We're catchin' the bad guys to give 'em the scoop.
Players, don't let your users go out and be cheaters.
'Cos they'll break all the rules and call you all fools
Even when they're in the wrong."

(Hey everybody, sing along!)

"Players, don't let your users go out and be cheaters..."

(EDIT: Ith-studded weapons make a lot more sense than Ith-studded armors. But I wouldn't put it past the average cheater's IQ to think an Ith-studded armor actually helps. :P)

[protoshoggoth]

Yes, shocking, I know. I had originally titled it "so...then you're not glad to see me?" as a strange pre-emptory reference to it's disturbing lack of smuttiness. But I was afraid that would have given the joke away too easily. :)

[protoshoggoth]

Grown men 'ave been known to pull their own 'eads off rather than diagram that sentence. Excellent!

[kier]

As well as the secret cow level, there is a secret chicken level, using 4 tombs of identity and wirts leg, you open a world full of incredibly smart chickens, which can identify items for you- the problem is they don't have a voice box, they just squawk while you try to guess that the sash you found has "10 to life", making the chickens more and more mad at your foolishness, eventualy causing them to peck your feet, causing small amounts of damage and sore toes!

[Occhidiangela]

Willie Necroson. :D

[Count Duckula]

Don't forget that the best-known version was a duet between Willie Necroson and Waypoint Jennings. ;)

[Tuy]

This is a parody of NothingSacred's Chain Lightning Guide.

Chain Lightning Guide

Wood you like to be like Zeus who had mastery over the sky and the powers it had and when he was angry he through down bolts of lightning when he wasn't happy and also thunder, because you can do the same, because lightning is deadly and it is a beautiful force yet, because besides Thunder Storm, the most damage that a skill can dish out comes from Chain Lightning, which is the skill in the Sorceress skill tree of Lightning!

[Mortilator]

In a dark cellar room, barely lit at all, you find a book that must have been there, forgotten by the world above, for a long time. Perhaps one day its words will be remembered again, you think, as you read:


"Take heed and bare witness to the truths that lie herein, for they are the last legacy of Blizzard. There is a war that rages on even now, beyond the fields that normal people know - between the utopian forums of the legit players and the chaotic pits of the cheating idiots. This war is known as the Rust Storm, and it has raged and burned since the Rising of the Prime Evils (Hacking, Duping, Botting). Neither side ever gains sway as the forces of Cheating and Legitness constantly vie for control over all Battle.net."


This is more than one sentence, I know, but it might still qualify as

Something that makes us laugh, however you manage to do it.

I hope that at least someone here can laugh about it.

[Obi2Kenobi]

LOL Nice prime evils. :)

[Refrigerator]

The absolute worst introductory sentence to a fictitious D2 Guide

Guide to Playing Diablo II Properly
by Mr.Retertimonyesterguesster

Hello kids, adults, and teenagers, this is an excellent guide about just how to Play the Great game Diablou, oops, <backspace> (backspace) {backspace} What in the Holy name of St. Peter's Green Goats is going on, the Blinking Computer is Rebelliously not obeying my obvious and orderly commands!!!

Greetings,
Refrigerator