A Lurker Lounge Contest

[unless]

It was a dark and stormy knight; except when he zealously wielded the colossal two-handed sword (for it is amongst the hellish bovines, where our scene lies), bearing his shield of storms, he swung his sword of mythic reknown and cried "Lo, lo", for it had been a crushing blow.

--rowdog

Man, I just fell out of my chair. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.


"Tea with Rakanishu" was awesome, too.

[Obi2Kenobi]

The post of two meanings
aka
What you talkin' bout, Willis?
By Anita Mann
I logged on to my wife's account, and began playing with her nude ass so I started punching this stupid dude called "Wind Ripper the Foul" (he was extra strong and fire enchanted... RUN!) when I beat him he dropped a cracked sash. (try and think of this as another way... unless you are thinking of it the right way, then there isn't a hidden meaning and don't ban me :P )

[pakman]

As the zombie stumbled around, Jimmy John, the sandwich man, jack of all trades, master of none, pervayer of the dark arts, and the protection against them, the all around nice guy, white haired, gaunt, necromantic follower, came along and destryed the following zombies with the incredibly overpowered, but underappreciated teeth mixed with a double shot of poison dagger and a pinch of bone prison: Joe, who used to be an airline piolot; Sevruga the lineman; Felix who had been incapacitated in a terrible, terrible swimming accident with a clown fish; Richie the Plague Carrier, and finally the greatest, most cosmically paradoxical, most frantic demon he had ever faced, Beluga the Blighted.

[Tuy]

My Guide to How to be a Effective Barbarian by Tuy

If you wanna be a Barb then read this; first you will need a weight set to give you some of those big muscles, and for Increased Stamina and Increased Speed you will need to run alot and exercise those leg muscles, you will need some face paints and put a big blue streak of paint down the front of your face, and cut off all hair except some that you will need to make a ponytail, and go to Ebay to buy a kilt, and I aint not never seen a barb that can't scream so go take a class on how to scream really loud, loud enough to hork up cell phones and other things from dead people.

[Occhidiangela]

Revoltin' Westmarch
The Return of the Brotherhood

by SabertAintSo

Meshif stood arms akimbo on his quarterdeck, his squinting eyes staring at the motely assortment of mailclad Paladins approaching his ship with packs fully laden, slowly breathing out the cigar smoke he'd been holding as he mentally calculated his profit potential for sailing northward with a hold stuffed with Holy Knights, when it dawned on him that there could only be one reason that packs of Paladins were all heading homeward: there was something rotten in the state of Westmarch!

*ducks*

[Occhidiangela]

By Tungin_Shiekh

OK, the sorceress is best played nude, since that displays her beauty to best advantage, so all you ladies who want to play sorceresses should play nude and then come over to my house, the one on 24th and Main in Omaha, just three doors down from the donut shop and across the street from the 7-11, ring the bell for #5, that is the guide for how you nude sorceresses can get to play--what, this isn't a personals ad?

[HeWhoBabbles]

Entry Numero Uno

(Every romance novel has to have "secret" "Whisper" and "heart" in their titles right?)


The lone barbarian looked around Atma's Tavern, sickened by the laughter and gaeity, he use to be like them, he use to be happy, but then, he lost, he lost HER, the love of his life, and since, he has vowed to never love again, until now.

[Tuy]

Elemetal Druid Guide

Ok, your Elemental Druid suxxorx, 'course it does so get out your mule and spam trades in channels for all teh best gear and don't forget to include lines of %_@_%_@ 'cuz that makes spams by other people go off the trade window so everyone will see yours, and then make a Elemental Druid and call him something like XxownzjOO-pvpxX, and don't forget the Xx...xX because that makes you look ub3r 1337 k3wl, and get your Windforce cuz its teh best weap0n that you traded for and socket it with a Zod cuz that is the best rune and give it to your druid and it'll help you ownxx0rz everyone and socket everything with a Zod 'cuz its the best rune and get then spam in the same fashion to tell people you need a power rush to c0wz.

[Rhydderch Hael]

Day 32. Entered the lost city of Kamnara. The sun is dead. Sand raiders attacking my troop's left flank. Nightcats ambushing from the rear. Caisson team decimated by sand maggots coming through the sand. Munitions short, caission sergeant dead. Alchemical incendiaries depleted, resorted to quadrello bolts and sword combat. Situation nominal. I attack.
—Journal entry of Roderec Dyrn, Captain of Rangers, Deto Squadron, IX Corps, Telara Border Legion, Army of Westmarch, Zakarum Empire

Sorry, kids, but I could not ruin it into one run-on sentence.

[Rhydderch Hael]

I'm surprised no one's copied Geglash's words of martial wisdom yet, paraphrased, of course:

In all my years and times that I've pummeled both the deserving and the innocent, I've come to see only two notable courses of action: you can either run, or you can fight—all other strategems are variations upon these.

Note: disqualify this from my contention. As I said, 'tis not mine.

[Occhidiangela]

. . . replacing all of your periods in the Day 32 journal entry, with ellipses. :o It would then look something ugly, like this:

Day 32 . . . Entered lost city of Kamnara . . . sun is dead . . . sand raiders attacking my troop's left flank . . . nightcats ambushing from the rear . . . caisson team decimated by sand maggots coming through the sand . . . munitions short, caission sergeant dead . . . alchemical incendiaries depleted, resorted to quadrello bolts and sword combat . . . situation nominal: I attack!

Enough to make anyone not enthralled by chatspeak vomit, eh?

Apologies for the abomination I perpetrated upon your most excellent entry, please forgive me . . . just trying to help you win . . . wait a minute . . . I want to win . . . DEATH TO EXCESSIVE ELLIPSING!!!!

[Occhidiangela]

It Takes Devastating a Village
Andariel's Wake
by Peter_Spraezer

Cain wept.

[HeWhoBabbles]

Entry Numero Dos


And all was well.

[Tuy]

When Trade Mutants Attack

An Amazon walked into the Rogue camp, wanting to see if she could get a new bow because her old one couldn't kill no quill rats, so she walked up to a tent and suddenly several Sorceresses looking exactly alike stepped out; "We are the Trade Mutants," one said, and the Amazon said, "I'm looking for a good bow,"; but suddenly the Trade Mutants started walking uncomfortably close to her and they started chanting, "wug..wug..wug..wug.."; and then.

[Occhidiangela]

One if by LAN, Two if by C
The Death of Sanctuary
by a Hack_Writer

The tall blond woman paused at the entrance to Baal's Throneroom when her hand began to glow with an eerie dark red glow, a glow that induced a burning pain that caused here to drop her Windforce bow as it disintegrated into ethereal smoke, then screamed in anguish as the beautiful white gold bands on her ring fingers turned slowly and inexorably to hot reddish gold: she was caught in a deadly Rust Storm!
=========================================================

Now, there's a fantasy! :D

[--Pete]

Tic-Tac-Toe for the Masses, a Simplified Game Guide

The pleasant but challenging endeavor of playing board and computer games is replete with many a deep pitfall and cunning hidden trap for the unwary novice who could potentially avoid all those deadly and subtle obstacles by paying extremely close attention to the hard earned sage advice of those brave souls who through experience and experimentation have thoroughly mastered the difficulties and subtleties of the game and have unselfishly put themselves out in an heroic effort to disseminate their knowledge and wisdom for the edification of all who need assistance and who are willing to deeply study tomes of experience and of value such as this guide which you are presently holding.

--Pete

PS I tried to write a complicated sentence, but seems like I couldn't. Sorry, I'm out of practice. Haven't had to write a report for the government for the last few years :)

[kandrathe]

by Bernie Z. Dinner

Perplexed by the quixotic doppelganger, the nubile young sorceress lay before her foe prone, breathless, and extremely vulnerable, at which point she panted, “So, you think you have bested me, foul beast?”, while slowing reaching into her backpack for her most powerful spell ingredients with which to formulate a massive fireball, rich with its sulfurous aroma, and yet pungent with the faint acrid wafts of bat guano.

[pakman]

Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory behavior forms.

How's that for complicated? :P

All that says is that children cry when they fall.

[Occhidiangela]

Nice one, and I join you in wishing death to the wug monsters! :lol:

[Occhidiangela]

By Markham_Tardy

Ironman, the ultimate challenge in Diablo II for those players who are tired of the humdrum and irresponsible monster genocide on battlenet, and can quite simply be summed up as the most realistic execution of role playing in the Sanctuary dungeon crawl in a world where the NPC's are simply not to be trusted in any way shape or form -- absent the telltale sign of an exclamation mark of the Light shining over their heads -- with the following minimalist guidance: go forth, kick butt, take names, and don't break operational security without clear evidence of the exclamation mark authentication code.