A Lurker Lounge Contest

[LemmingofGlory]

The Lurker Lounge Proudly Presents a Competition
Based on the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

The Diablo-Lounger D2 Strategy Guide/Fanfiction Contest

Are your words worth less than the pixel they're printed on?
When you post, do you feel a constant need to nit yourself?
Do you ever wish for a D2 guide of the same calibre as Prima's D1 guide?
When you're hit on the head, is there an echo?
If not, what the blazes are you waiting for?

Lower your standards and -- No, lower. Still lower. Keep lowering them. Right there! Perfect!

Prove your worth in a most unintellectual intellectual contest by writing the absolute worst introductory sentence to a fictitious D2 Guide or fanfiction in our very own pseudo-Bulwer-Lytton contest! Make your fellow Loungers spit-take during their morning coffee and win fabulous prizes! Here's how!

The Rules

Write the worst introductory sentence to a D2 guide or D2 fanfiction. Like Bulwer-Lytton, the goal is good writing but utterly atrocious content. Examples from the real contest

On Thread Structure

1) Post your ENTRY in reply to this message. Post only ENTRIES in reply to this message.
2) Replies to entries are permitted. Replies to entries are not considered entries.
3) Please give ENTRY posts a title of some sort.
4) E-mail and Private Message submissions are not accepted.

On ENTRY Content

1) ENTRY length is a mere one sentence.
2) ENTRIES must be either a GUIDE or FANFIC relevant to D2. (Please specify somewhere in your post.)
3) A faux title and author may be submitted to accompany your entry sentence, but they alone will not win.
4) Parodies of existing works (other guides, real novels, etc.) are permitted.

(Example)
Towards the end of v1.09, after a storm of cheater-account deletion, during elevenses one morning, a hobo in a USWest Retail channel spammed at full speed, "My precious SoJ missing is, deleted by vile accursed Blizzardses!" --From The Idiot by Frodo Dostoyevsky

On Other Things

1) Posters may submit multiple entries, to a maximum of 5.
2) Contest ends July 8 or when the thread is closed.
3) The Contest is not an excuse to soil the Lounge. A post that would be moderated under normal circumstances will still be moderated.

On Winning

1) The Mods of the Lounge Table will alone decide the winner.
2) Mods can enter but cannot win.
3) There can be only one.

On the Prize

The Winner receives their very own Lurker Lounge title of their choosing!

[Bolty]

Although I am ineligible to win, I shall try to get the ball rolling. Please go easy on me, I came up with this in 2 minutes:

The Barbarian: A Tough Guy by Bolty

The Barbarian, if not played incorrectly, cannot be unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Running Man because he is wholly capable of cutting up great swaths of Cow Meat in the same manner as Emeril does on that fantastic cooking show that I know you've seen on that Food Network channel; in fact, by mastering the art of Whirlwinding you will be able to slice, dice, and make julienne fries faster than any other character class out there, which I know is all that really counts in this sequel to Diablo, a truly superb game made by Blizzard North.

-Bolty

[channel1]

U 2 cn B 1337 liek uz... rd dis gide, or mesa klan will PK u!

Alan Smithee

[Thecla]

Turning rapidly from Diablo's fearsome river of fire as a red glow flit across his sweaty brow, the naked Paladin ran past his newly found companion, a mighty Buriza-wielding Amazon who fired volley after punishing volley of deadly crossbow bolts into the tough hide of the beast; and meanwhile she eyed the retreating Paladin -- now crouched ignominiously behind a slimy pillar the flutes of which stretched up out of sight into the dark recesses of the sanctuary -- and said softly "sux 2b u n00b!"

[Dyntheos]

Parody of an existing work, as written by an Bnet HaX0r..



TEH BARBARIAN A 2UGH GUY BY TEH BARBARIAN IF NOT PLAEYD INCORECTLY CANOT B UNLIEK ARNOLD SCHWARZ3NEG3R IN DA RUNNG MAN B/C HE IS WHOLY CAPABL3 OF CUTNG UP GRAAT SWATHS OF COW M3AT IN TEH SME MANER AS 3MERIL DOAS ON TAHT FANTASTIC COKNG SHOW TAHT I KNOW U SEN ON TAHT FOD NATWORK CHANAL IN FACT BY MAST3RNG TEH ART OF WHIRLWINDNG U WIL B ABLE 2 SLIEC DIEC AND MAEK JULEINE FREIS FASTER THAN ANY OTH3R CHARACTAR CLAS OUT THEIR WHICH I KNOW IS AL TAHT RILLY COUNTS IN THIS SEQUAL 2 DIABLO A TRULY SUP3RB GME MAED BY BLIZARD NORTH

-BOLTY1!!1!1! LOL

[Vash]

U 2 cn B 1337 liek uz! rd dis gide, or mesa klan will PK u!

Allen Smithee

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

That's technically two sentences isn't it? You've got two exclamation marks in there :P

Well...if you want to get even more technical, it probably wouldn't even be considered ONE sentence :P

[Vash]

I'm not sure I understand the requirements of a good entry.

Are you guys looking for run-on sentences with convoluted grammatical structures?

[kandrathe]

With furtive glance at the encroaching bipedal cows, the barbarian eyed his cold, bloody, steel, instantly measuring his chances of surviving yet another slashing whirlwind, pirouette of death, and yet he was growing weary ( and a bit dizzy) of the endless carnage, slaughter, and waste of good beef -- for what, in gods name, for what, a few jewels and trinkets?

[Nicodemus Phaulkon]

Fanfic - by Hissing Rhymelliterationist

"The small, circling snippets of soft, glowing snow showed shadows of subtly subdued shade as it sank into the sad state that was the city of Sanctuary, sealing the certain scent of smoldering incense that snuck silently among the spruce, roast goose and moose juice which distracted the sorceress' seemingly dreaming trance of sun-dancing ants chanting antsy, prancing rants which awoke the various village vagrants sleeping victorious on their vainly gained planes of woodgrain."

[Dagni]

actully this isnt a strat guide i just wanted to kno if ne1 knows what nec will be like in patch?

[Taem]

And she killed it, the arrow ripping shreds of its body apart (because of the critical hit, of course) much like the carnage of a vibrating tree when falling in the forest and rolling over an anthill – many ants die – and it fell dead to the ground in a gnarled heap of ripped up meat; and that’s what happens when you use Guided Arrow.

[Fragbait]

Excerpt of the tale of Penthragon, Guardian of Light:

"The silver plate of the brave paladin trembled, and his fanatic aura flickered as he spotted several sand maggots, grimly guarding their eggs that slowly began to break, one after the other releasing more sand maggot youngs, dozens if not hundreds of which were already quickly approaching the holy man with only one aim: to suck every tiny bit of life out of his - in their eyes - stinking and worthless human body."


- Fragbait

[rowdog]

It was a dark and stormy knight; except when he zealously wielded the colossal two-handed sword (for it is amongst the hellish bovines, where our scene lies), bearing his shield of storms, he swung his sword of mythic reknown and cried "Lo, lo", for it had been a crushing blow.

--rowdog

[Brista]

Introduction to Diablo without Cows - a guide

For those beefing about cheesy repetition or leather Windforce beats Burrito, no moos is great moos for players hoof now get to milk udder areas of Diablo2

Honk honk ;)

[Hammerskjold]

But my vote goes to you. The "Honk Honk" just sealed the deal for me. Not that I'm a mod nor is this a vote, but yeah.

[Walkiry]

"Munchkin" is a term that has often been coined by those self-respecting, true, all-the-way role players to somewhat look down upon those of us who enjoy stretching the rules and would wear our underwear over our armour for a +1 bonus to anything that matters (oh Red Mage, how we admire thee); but you have to ask yourself, if they were really true RPG gamers they wouldn't talk, much less insult you, when their characters are, oh so very dead, with their guts splayed all over the place, would they?

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Gah, I suck :lol:

Edit: Who/That, I keep misusing those two if I don't pay enough attention, it's kind of annoying.

[dahak_i]

nice, got me to laugh out loud for a little while ;-)

[kier]

An exert from Decard Cain's Diary kept when held captive in Tristram
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"I am hoisted in the air, and jabbed with pointy pointed pointing sticks by vicious monsters, with nothing to talk to apart from a rather smelly Griswold-the only thought keeping me alive is that my love, Charsi, will come and rescue me from this ruin, and I can tell Warriv of my great deeds ,such as telling a zombie to go away, and poke fun at Gheed"
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[Tal]

With his mighty mace at the ready the armored warrior leapt into the crowd of mindless minions and his blue cape swirled around his body as he slammed the automatons from this plane of existence until panting he surveyed the damage. "STFU! Blizzard SuXx0rs - I'll git mroe cdkeys and have pindlebot running by tomorrow!" was his only response.

-Exerpt from the Endless Saga of the Warrior of the Blizzard.

[LemmingofGlory]

Something that makes us laugh, however you manage to do it.