Joke Thread Alert! Joke Thread Alert!

[jahcs]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[Occhidiangela]

Seems there was this Irish fella, Sean, visiting near San Antonio one fine November afternoon, at the state fair grounds just north of the city. He was quite taken by the act of a scantily clad bearded lady. He stuck around to chat with her, after her act, and discovered she was recently released from the prison down in Beeville.

While chatting her up, he began to feel hungry. As he was deciding what to do about dinner, a Blue Norther sprang up and swept through the fairgrounds. No worries for the Sean, he'd brought his overcoat, and as for dinner, well, there he was with a Chilly Con Carny!

EDIT ADD

The next day, Sean went home to McAllen where he worked in shipping and receiving at the local Circuit City. He was unloading and unpacking boxes with his friend Albert, opening returned merchandise to inspect for defects to justify refunds -- sort of checking for fraud. He ran his utility knife across a box a bit too vigorously, and looked on in horror as the follow through sliced deeply into Albert's stomach as Albert was reaching up on the pile for the next box. Blood sprayed everywhere, and Albert's scream of pain brought the foreman a running. The foreman stared in disbelief at the man holding his intestines to himself, and turned to Sean in a fury, bellowing "Dude, you gutted Al!"

Occhi

This will be heard live in Austin this weekend . . . if I make it there.

*ducks*

[Alram]

What is Irish and stays out all night?















Pati O'Furniture

[Doc]

What do I wear under my kilt?









































On a good day, lipstick. :rolleyes:

[Occhidiangela]

Then there was the Irishman who was visiting -- oh never mind, he was drunk and forgot how to get there.

Occhi

[DeeBye]

What's brown and sticky?






























A STICK!

[whyBish]

Why is a blonde better than a toilet stall door lock?

A blonde can be both vacant and engaged at the same time.

[jahcs]

Cheating Husband



Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job over three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it!

[jahcs]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing
time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes
to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else
leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him,
pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight
I'm the designated decoy.'

[jahcs]

Country Folk Technology

[Jarulf]

One atom to the other:
- I feel like I have lost an electron.
- Are you sure?
- I am positive!

[FenrisWulf]

Here are a few fun knock-knock jokes, though the magic is really in the delivery.

1)
Alice: Knock knock!
Bob: Who's there?
Alice: Interrupting cow.
Bob: Interrupting cAlice: MOOOOOO!!!!

2)
Bob: Knock knock!
Alice: Who's there?
Bob: Control freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?"

3)
Alice: Okay, I'm going to try this new kind of knock knock joke, so try to follow along. [pause] You start.
Bob: Knock knock?
Alice: Who's there?
Bob: ...

A good one that I recently heard and completely fell for:

Alice: Hm, okay, have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
Bob: Eh? No.
Alice (incredulously): Really?! It's making headlines!

Finally, a pirate joke sequence:

Cap'n Ahab: Okay, how about some pirate jokes? What's a pirate's favorite place to hang out after work?
Cap'n Blackbeard: Er...
Cap'n Ahab: The BAAAAAARRRR! Alright, what's a pirate's favorite academic institution?
Cap'n Blackbeard: Um...
Cap'n Ahab: HAAAAARRRVAAAARRRD! Word, so what's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
Cap'n Blackbeard: Aha! The ARRRRRRRRMY!
Cap'n Ahab: What? No, no, the Navy.

(the first two Pirate jokes can be swapped out for any other Pirate jokes you prefer)

[Jim]

Hi,

An old Arab had been living in Chicago for forty years. Now he
wants to plant potatoes in his garden, but to plow it has become
too much, at his old age. His only son, Ahmed, is studying in
France. The old man sends an email to its son, explaining the
problem:

"Ahmed
I am very sad because I cannot plant potatoes in my garden this
year, I am too old to plow it. If you were here all my problems
would be solved; I know that you would do it for me I love and
miss you very much. Your father."

The day after the old one receives an email from his son

"My Beloved Father, for all the gold in the world, DO NOT touch
the garden! There is where I have hidden... you know what!!
I love you very much too
Your Ahmed"

The day after, at 4.00am, the house of the old Arab is invaded by
the police, FBI, CIA, SWAT, RANGERS, MARINES, Sylvester Stallone,
Arnold Schwarzenegger and the big hats from the the Pentagon, who
turn the soil in the garden like a glove, trying to find anthrax,
WMD and whichever other dangerous thing they can think of. Not
having found anything, they leave the house. The same day the man
receives another email from its son:

" My beloved Father I am sure that now the garden is now ready to
plant potatoes. This is the best I could do, due to the
circumstances.

I love you very much
Ahmed."

[jahcs]

Hi,
[right][snapback]77660[/snapback][/right]

nice one, King Jim. :D More likely in today's world the authorities would load all the dirt into big trucks and haul it away. :huh:

[Yrrek]

When will the rhetorical questions all end?

[Bob]

What's brown and steams out of cows?






























The Isle of Wight Steam Ferry

[NiteFox]

A scientist went up to God and said, "We no longer need you, God, for I have developed the method with which to create humans from dirt. Now that humans can create life from nothing, you are no longer necessary."

God, amused by all this, challenged the scientist to a man-making competition. Whomever created the finest human being from dirt would truly be superior.

The scientist nodded, "I accept your challenge." He smugly said as he stooped down to gather a handful of dirt.

"Hold on." God said. "Create your own dirt, first."

[jahcs]

>LETTER FROM A FARM KID,

>NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

>

>Dear Ma and Pa:

>I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

>

>I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

>

>Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

>

>Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

>

>It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

>

>The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

>

>This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys back home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

>

>Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

>

>Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

>

>Your loving daughter,

>Gail

[Dozer]

Me: I ran over a henway on the way to work today.
Other guy: What's a henway?
Me: ..about twenty ounces.




...most of my other jokes are not PG-13 :P

[jahcs]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:
>
>
> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
>
> The position of the dirt bag.
>
>
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
>
> Because it's worth it.
>
>
>
> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
>
> Doughnuts.
>
>
>
> What do you call a smart blonde?
>
> A golden retriever.
>
>
>
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
>
> 45 lbs.
>
>
>
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
>
> 45 minutes.
>
>
>
> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>
> Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>
>
> Why do men want to marry virgins?
>
> They can't stand criticism.
>
>
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
>
>
>
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>
> Mace will do that to you.
>
>
> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>
> Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
> Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
>
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
>
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
>
> A different bar.
>
>
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
>
> A speech impediment.
>
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
>
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
> along with... "a recipe".
>
>
>
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
>
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
>
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
> fairytale?
>
> A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
> A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this #$%^..."