Joke Thread Alert! Joke Thread Alert!

[Alram]

Magda, the church gossip, and self-appointed police of the parish's
moral integrity, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members disapproved of her extra-curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.

She blundered, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being a lowlife after she saw his old pickup parked in front of
the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George in the
presence of several others that whoever saw it there would know what he was
doing.

George, a man of few words, just looked at her for a moment,
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Magda's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

[Premezilla]

What's six inches long that every woman wants?



















....a twenty-dollar bill.

Three men are waiting at the Heavenly Gates. St. Peter comes up to them and asks each of them how they died. The first guy says "Well, I came home early one day, because I knew my wife was cheating on me. I looked all over the apartment, but couldn't find the sonofagun. When I stepped outside to the patio for some air, though, I saw the badturd hanging onto the railing! I started kicking him, punching him, and throwing anything I could grab at him. He finally let go, and fell 16 stories down. He didn't die, though, because he hit some bushes. I was so mad, I went back into the apartment, unplugged the refrigerator, went back out, and tossed it over the railing. It fell on the guy and smooshed him! I felt so bad afterwards that I took my gun and shot myself."

"That's pretty harsh," said St. Peter. Turning to the next guy, he asked him how he died.

"Well, I was out on the patio of my apartment, doing some exercises, when I tripped and fell over the railing. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing a few floors down. Just when I'm about to climb up, this guy comes outside, and starts kicking me and punching me! I lose my grip, and fall all the way to the ground. I hit some bushes, and I thought I was safe, but the next thing I see is this huge refrigerator falling towards me. That's all I can remember," he says.

St. Peter says "Wow, that's pretty harsh as well. How did YOU die?" he asks, turning to the third guy.

The third guy shuffles nervously before saying "Imagine this. I'm hiding in a refrigerator..."

[kandrathe]

A man calls his pastor for counsel after a recent spat with his wife.

"How did it end this time?" asks the pastor.

"Well, this time she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"My that is different!" exclaimed the pastor.

"Yeah, she came crawling over and yelled...
'Git out from under the bed you Chicken!'

[Occhidiangela]

A valiant effort
[right][snapback]108132[/snapback][/right]

Groan, you will.

Engineers' Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital =
1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
===============================================
Occhi

[Klaus]

1 milihelen = the amount of beauty required to launch one ship

[--Pete]

Hi,

A man walks into an Irish bar in downtown New York and asks the barkeep for three pint glasses of Guinness. The host draws the drinks and the man takes them to a table in the back and drinks from each in turn until they're all gone and then he leaves.

This is repeated for several days, and then the barkeep ventures to say, "You know, I could draw these for you one at a timer, and they would keep their body better while you drink them."

The man replies, "Indeed, I thank you for your kind offer. But the fact is, I'm drinking with me brothers. One stayed in Ireland, another went to Australia, and I came here. Before we parted, we agreed that we'd each buy three Guinness of an evening and drink them so to each other's health."

The ritual was repeated over the years, and the bar being a family type, pretty soon everybody knew the story.

One day the man came in and ordered two pints. The hubbub quited in the bar as he took his beers back to a table and drank them. For the next few days, this was repeated, and the tension in the bar when he came in was almost visible. Finally, not being able to stands the suspense any longer, the next time the man came in the barkeep ventured to say, "Indeed, I'm sorry for your brother."

The man looked puzzled for a moment, and then a smile crossed his face. "Oh, no. Me brothers are foin. It's me doctor that told me I had to quit drinking."

--Pete

[Alram]

A new york feminist was driving 120 when she saw the flashing lights in her rear view mirror. She pulled over. Bubba the deputy sheriff swaggered to her car and bawled out "little lady, no one speeds through the great state of Georgia."
She replied, "Sherman did."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

Three newlywed men were discussing their wives. The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking. The first day I didn't see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line. The second guy married a MN gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cleaning. The first day he didn't see any change, but the second day, she fell into line. The third guy married a SD gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all of that, plus the laundry. The first day he didn't see anything, nor the second day, but on third day, the swelling went down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Did you hear about the guy who moved from Iowa to Minnesota and raised the average IQ in both states.