Global Warming's causes

[Occhidiangela]

I heard on the news the other day that yet another study group is making noise about cow farts as a proximate cause of global warming, green house gasses, and more. How the buffalo herds influenced this back in the day is unknown. I think they are missing the point, as the current issue Al Gore and many e-activists are harping on is HUMAN induced global warming.

We can once again blame Canada, or perhaps Texas, for a discrete human activity that turns vegetable matter into methane gas. I refer, of course, to the annual Terlingua Chili Cookoff held in the Big Bend area of Texas.

Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Shiner Blonde keg, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant chef, Linda, seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Chili

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that airhead Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 broke wind, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Anyone have a particular Chili recipe they'd like to share? My own chili recipe is a variation on H Allen Smith's infamous concoction, which some purists decry as heretical due to the pinto beans. I add cinnamon rather than Ac'cent, and usually toss in a bay leaf. Either diced canned tomatoes or diced garden grown tomatoes, one cup per pound of beef. Dried chilis rather than, or in addition to, chili powder is usually in my arsenal.

Chili H. Allen Smith
"Make sure you have good meat--three pounds of lean chuck, or round, or tenderloin tips. Be sure the meat is trimmed down to where there is not a shred of gristle in it. Texans are great gristle-eaters [sic]and I find most of their chili inferior for that and other reasons. The poor creatures just don't know any better. Out, then with all gristle! Have the meat coarse-ground. (Occhinote: My mom and dad had a meat grinder, which was hand cranked. We used to grind our own ground beef, from cheap cuts of meat. That habit is slowly leaving America, as I understand it.) Sear it in an iron kettle. {skillet?}. If you don't have an iron kettle you are not civilized; go out and get one. Don't break up the chunks of beef. It is good to have lumpy meat in your chili. When you've got it seared, add one or two small cans of tomato paste or tomato sauce or if you want to use fresh or canned tomatoes put them through a colander. Now chop one or two onions and, if you hanker for it, half a bell pepper. (Occhinote: Red bell peppers tend to blend in better.) Add these ingredients to the pot with about a quart of water. Crush a couple or more cloves of garlic and then add about half a teaspoon of oregano, maybe a couple pinches of sweet basil, and a quarter teaspoon of cumin or cumin powder. (Occhinote: I suggest a full teaspoon of cumin.) Now put in a tablespoon of salt, and for a starter, two tablespoons of chili powder. If you can get the Chimayo ground chilies, packaged in Albuquerque, do so by all means. I will speak of it later, for I think it is the best I've ever used. Sometimes when they are available I use chili pods but don't be skittish about using a good brand of chili powder. Simmer your chili for an hour and a half or longer, adding some Ac'cent to sharpen the flavor, and then about ten minutes from conclusion, add your beans. Use pinto beans if you can get them; if they are not available, canned kidney beans will do. Simmer a bit longer. Doing some tasting and, as the Gourmet Cookbook has it, "correct seasoning." When you've got it right, to suit your personal taste, let it set a while. It will taste better the second day, still better the third, and absolutely superb the fourth. Texans consider it a bloody sacrilege to cook beans with their chili. I say they're all daft. They also scream bloody murder at the idea of any sweet pepper being included. You'll have to make up your own mind--just don't let their raucous way of talking overpower you. One final personal note: I cannot eat chili without a large glass of cold milk at my elbow. No beer, no water, no wine--just cold milk. (Occhinote: Beer, nuff said.) I deem it a pleasure to have given you my recipe for chili. I can only say in conclusion that some people are born to the tragic life. There are three distressing physiological mistakes made by nature: The vermiform appendix, the prostate gland, and the utter inability of many people to eat chili because of delicate digestive tracts.

I really bleed for them.

The End

Chili: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Occhi

[eppie]

Anyone have a particular Chili recipe they'd like to share? Occhi

No I don't but I will follow this thread because it might give me some nice idea's (go lurkers!). I remember Doc once posted his recipe on the lounge some year ago if I'm correct.

Anyway, as I'm vegetarian, is there something you can propose? If the meat is just there for some substance I can find some replacements without problem.

And one more thing. This chili, do you eat it with something? Like bread or flower tortilla's, or is it just the burning lava....with beer.

[Rhydderch Hael]

I don't believe in coincidence. I'm firmly assured that the universe actively conspires against me.

I stewed up a pot of chili last night for the holiday buffet at work. And judging from the above-mentioned critique of various chili recipes, I went the way of the tenderfoot and am not worthy of consideration (mixed from a kit, which meant a cellophane packet of chili powder and a can of tomatoes).

Real chili is the kind where you hand-pick the peppers right off the bush, dried over a campfire, and made from the beef and suet of a cow you yourself shot down with a black-powder muzzle-loader.

[Occhidiangela]

No I don't but I will follow this thread because it might give me some nice idea's (go lurkers!). I remember Doc once posted his recipe on the lounge some year ago if I'm correct.

Anyway, as I'm vegetarian, is there something you can propose? If the meat is just there for some substance I can find some replacements without problem.

And one more thing. This chili, do you eat it with something? Like bread or flower tortilla's, or is it just the burning lava....with beer.

Vegetarian chili is almost an oxymoron, as purist Chili is peppers, meat, maybe onions, oil, peppers. So, if you want a chili-like dish that has no meat, I'd say replace the meat with Pinto Beans and Zuchinni. That said, a recipe like this will suffice if vegetarian chili is your desire:

Three cans of pinto beans (or Kidney Beans(red))

One or two boxes dices tomatoes (in Italy, IIRC you can get diced tomatoes/pomodori in those cardboard containers, name of the brand is Parmelat IIRC.) Depending on the season, I'd recommend the tomatoes be fresh from your local market. About a quart of tomatoes.

Two bell peppers

One Onion

1 tbsp salt

3 tbsp red chili powder

1 tsp basil (Or a handful of fresh basil, easy to get in Italy. I'd chop up the leaves)

2 tsp cumin

two cloves garlic

1 dried hot pepper (there are a lot of varieties)

1 can of beer (a can of Nastro Azzuro should suffice)

3 tbsp olive oil

2 Zuchinni

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

Prep:
Chop peppers and onion
Mince garlic
Dice hot pepper
Chop Zuchinni into one inch (2-3 cm) thick disks

1. Put an iron skillet on medium heat. Add olive oil, onion, cumin, bell peppers, chili powder, salt, and hot chili pepper. Get them sizzling, then reduce heat to low. Add basil. Pour in beer. Stir, cover, let blend for about 10 minutes. Add tomatoes. Stir. Simmer for 10 minutes. Add beans. Stir. Simmer for 10 minutes. Add Zuchinni and cinnamon. Cover. Stew/simmer for about one half hour. If it is too thin, either raise heat and boil off excess liquid, or add some flour/cornstarch.

That's as close to vegan chili as I can come up with. It really does need the meat. You can serve with grated Roman or shredded Provolone to add a bit of character.:)

Have a piece of bread on the side with it. the nice thing about Chili is that it improves its flavor when you put the leftover amount in the fridge over night, covered. Next day, for more chili goodness, put some in a bowl, re heat, and enjoy.

Occhi

[eppie]

Have a piece of bread on the side with it. the nice thing about Chili is that it improves its flavor when you put the leftover amount in the fridge over night, covered. Next day, for more chili goodness, put some in a bowl, re heat, and enjoy.

Occhi

This is great, I see what the idea is. In Holland I often heard about this thing called chili con carne, whcih I used to think was something spanish......

Anyway, I will see if I can get the ingredients...(and if not I will experiment) and have a go.

To replace meat I probably can use `seitan` . I´m not sure how to write it in english. It is a chinese thing made from wheatproteins or something. It is better than the Tofu like things.

thanks...
eppie

[Griselda]

It seems like TVP (textured vegetable protein) would also be a good meat substitute in chili, as it would keep its texture but have lots of time to absorb flavor in a dish like that.

I can't really say that I've tried to make vegetarian chili before, although I've been a vegetarian for more than a decade. Mostly, if I'm cooking, chili's not what I have in mind.

[DeeBye]

I we can once again blame Canada, or perhaps Texas, for a discrete human activity that turns vegetable matter into methane gas.

'scuse me. Sorry about that :blush:

I once read a pretty interesting article about aliens being able to find life on Earth by remotely detecting cow farts. I can't recall who wrote it, but it sure sounds Clarke-ish.

As for chili, you purists are going to shoot me when I say that I really like a whole lot of vegetables in my chili pot. I like celery, carrots, onions, and mushrooms in my chili. What can I say, slow-cooking these veggies all day alongside some ground pork and ground beef and chili spices makes for some tasty feast.

I love sopping up chili juices with half-cooked garlic bread.

[Ashock]

I never understood one particular thing about eating all that chili. Doesn't it sorta interfere with sleeping in the same bed with someone else, considering all the ummm... outpouring of love... or gasses that it brings? I just don't get it the whole Chili craze. Must be a Texas thing.

-A

[Occhidiangela]

This is great, I see what the idea is. In Holland I often heard about this thing called chili con carne, whcih I used to think was something spanish......

Anyway, I will see if I can get the ingredients...(and if not I will experiment) and have a go.

To replace meat I probably can use `seitan` . I´m not sure how to write it in english. It is a chinese thing made from wheatproteins or something. It is better than the Tofu like things.

thanks...
eppie

Chili con carne is the proper name. The translation from the Spanish is, literally, "chili with meat" where the chili refers to a chili pepper. (Originally a red chili, IIRC.) Thus, purists disdain all those veggies and beans, rightly contending that a "proper" chili con carne is basically shredded carne(meat) flavored with chili peppers.

Occhi

[DeeBye]

[Thus, purists disdain all those veggies and beans, rightly contending that a "proper" chili con carne is basically shredded carne(meat) flavored with chili peppers.

I'm not taking the kidney beans out of my chili just because the purists disdain veggies. Kidney beans in chili taste 12 kinds of awesome.

[Vandiablo]

Beans, beans, they're good for your hearty chili...

I'm not taking the kidney beans out of my chili just because the purists disdain veggies. Kidney beans in chili taste 12 kinds of awesome.

Yep, definitely, judge it by taste not snobbery.

The real question is: regular kidneys or dark kidneys? I've gone to the dark side.

[DeeBye]

The real question is: regular kidneys or dark kidneys? I've gone to the dark side.

The white kidney beans look weird in a batch of chili. I use the red kidney beans.

[Rhydderch Hael]

I'm not taking the kidney beans out of my chili just because the purists disdain veggies. Kidney beans in chili taste 12 kinds of awesome.

There's no problem with kidney beans and chili. They just have a problem with kidney beans in the chili.

Put the beans where they belong: in a side-dish next to the bowl of chili.

[Occhidiangela]

Beans, beans, they're good for your hearty chili...
Yep, definitely, judge it by taste not snobbery.

The real question is: regular kidneys or dark kidneys? I've gone to the dark side.

This makes the dish chili con carne y Frijoles Sithos

I too prefer the dark kidney beans, even though down here pinto beans seem to be standard.

Occhi

[Merlinios]

I happen to live in the only place in the US where chile is not some sort of stew as the rest of you heathens seem to believe. Rather, it's more like a (much tastier) catsup substitute, a sort of a saucy condiment. Sometimes there is meat, but very little else aside from the peppers. It's served with everything. EVERYTHING. The obligatory "red or green" at any sort of local-food (and sometimes not) restaurant has led to many a confused tourist.

For something more like Americanized chile, I think you'd be after posole, which is pretty close, although I believe much less tomato-y. And I believe it's corn-based rather than bean-based, but the corn is some variety which is not sweet. Alas, my culinary relation skills wane as I progress further into college.

--me