Memoirs of a Chilified Canadian Wrote:Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Shiner Blonde keg, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant chef, Linda, seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Chili

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that airhead Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 broke wind, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Quote: Chili H. Allen Smith
"Make sure you have good meat--three pounds of lean chuck, or round, or tenderloin tips. Be sure the meat is trimmed down to where there is not a shred of gristle in it. Texans are great gristle-eaters [sic]and I find most of their chili inferior for that and other reasons. The poor creatures just don't know any better. Out, then with all gristle! Have the meat coarse-ground. (Occhinote: My mom and dad had a meat grinder, which was hand cranked. We used to grind our own ground beef, from cheap cuts of meat. That habit is slowly leaving America, as I understand it.) Sear it in an iron kettle. {skillet?}. If you don't have an iron kettle you are not civilized; go out and get one. Don't break up the chunks of beef. It is good to have lumpy meat in your chili. When you've got it seared, add one or two small cans of tomato paste or tomato sauce or if you want to use fresh or canned tomatoes put them through a colander. Now chop one or two onions and, if you hanker for it, half a bell pepper. (Occhinote: Red bell peppers tend to blend in better.) Add these ingredients to the pot with about a quart of water. Crush a couple or more cloves of garlic and then add about half a teaspoon of oregano, maybe a couple pinches of sweet basil, and a quarter teaspoon of cumin or cumin powder. (Occhinote: I suggest a full teaspoon of cumin.) Now put in a tablespoon of salt, and for a starter, two tablespoons of chili powder. If you can get the Chimayo ground chilies, packaged in Albuquerque, do so by all means. I will speak of it later, for I think it is the best I've ever used. Sometimes when they are available I use chili pods but don't be skittish about using a good brand of chili powder. Simmer your chili for an hour and a half or longer, adding some Ac'cent to sharpen the flavor, and then about ten minutes from conclusion, add your beans. Use pinto beans if you can get them; if they are not available, canned kidney beans will do. Simmer a bit longer. Doing some tasting and, as the Gourmet Cookbook has it, "correct seasoning." When you've got it right, to suit your personal taste, let it set a while. It will taste better the second day, still better the third, and absolutely superb the fourth. Texans consider it a bloody sacrilege to cook beans with their chili. I say they're all daft. They also scream bloody murder at the idea of any sweet pepper being included. You'll have to make up your own mind--just don't let their raucous way of talking overpower you. One final personal note: I cannot eat chili without a large glass of cold milk at my elbow. No beer, no water, no wine--just cold milk. (Occhinote: Beer, nuff said.) I deem it a pleasure to have given you my recipe for chili. I can only say in conclusion that some people are born to the tragic life. There are three distressing physiological mistakes made by nature: The vermiform appendix, the prostate gland, and the utter inability of many people to eat chili because of delicate digestive tracts.

I really bleed for them.

The End

Quote:Anyone have a particular Chili recipe they'd like to share? Occhi

Quote:No I don't but I will follow this thread because it might give me some nice idea's (go lurkers!). I remember Doc once posted his recipe on the lounge some year ago if I'm correct.

Anyway, as I'm vegetarian, is there something you can propose? If the meat is just there for some substance I can find some replacements without problem.

And one more thing. This chili, do you eat it with something? Like bread or flower tortilla's, or is it just the burning lava....with beer.

Quote:Have a piece of bread on the side with it. the nice thing about Chili is that it improves its flavor when you put the leftover amount in the fridge over night, covered. Next day, for more chili goodness, put some in a bowl, re heat, and enjoy.

Occhi

Quote:I we can once again blame Canada, or perhaps Texas, for a discrete human activity that turns vegetable matter into methane gas.

Quote:This is great, I see what the idea is. In Holland I often heard about this thing called chili con carne, whcih I used to think was something spanish......

Anyway, I will see if I can get the ingredients...(and if not I will experiment) and have a go.

To replace meat I probably can use `seitan` . I´m not sure how to write it in english. It is a chinese thing made from wheatproteins or something. It is better than the Tofu like things.

thanks...
eppie

Quote:[Thus, purists disdain all those veggies and beans, rightly contending that a "proper" chili con carne is basically shredded carne(meat) flavored with chili peppers.

Quote:I'm not taking the kidney beans out of my chili just because the purists disdain veggies. Kidney beans in chili taste 12 kinds of awesome.

Quote:The real question is: regular kidneys or dark kidneys? I've gone to the dark side.

Quote:I'm not taking the kidney beans out of my chili just because the purists disdain veggies. Kidney beans in chili taste 12 kinds of awesome.

Quote:Beans, beans, they're good for your hearty chili...
Yep, definitely, judge it by taste not snobbery.

The real question is: regular kidneys or dark kidneys? I've gone to the dark side.