Let's make totally outrageous claims!

[dotPlaid]

...The Harvard School of Medicine and The Shreveport Gazette & Tribune released the long-awaited results of their joint study on Tuesday. For the last 12 months they've been trying to determine exactly which television game shows most stimulate the viewers' brains. The researchers hadn't included it in their hypothesis, "but none of us was really surprised when Richard Dawson's 'Family Fued' beat Chuck Woolery's whacky show with the 'big bucks, no whammies.' What is that anyway?"


...The Lurker Lounge is close to abandoning it's consideration of WoW as a third game, and has recently been in contact with the folks over at Compucon Productions. The comany is ready to begin alpha-testing their new Justin Timberlake first person shooter; when asked to comment, Compucon said that they were "excited about stickin' (sic) it to Blizzard," and that the newest JT FPS will definitely be out in time for Christmas.


...It turns out that two-party politics is really good idea.


...Big news from RJR, the American mega-corporation. In a rash of corporate take-overs in the late 1970s, the Board of Directors learned their key development strategy. They've announced that in 1978 they placed a precise number of NASA-trained monkeys in a room with donated Xerox typewriters, and that six weeks ago one of them had typed out a cure for nicotine addiction. The now-famous monkey is touring the nation for the next 12 months, including a stop on Wall Street to ring the closing bell. The RJR spokesperson said they're excited to release the cure, and will do so after reviewing any related environmental studies the other monkeys might develop.


...Amazingly, a transmission from the long-fairing Voyager 2 was picked up by the ISS (see related story) this morning. It seems that waaaaaay out there, the stars are simply lights on a sphere, and the probe is requesting
further instructions.


...All of these were chuck-full of hilarity and smack of someone deeply steeped in the art of wit.

Cheers.

[Saxywoo]

About the "I invented the internet" you're probably making fun of something that Gore said that got turned into something else. If Gore actually put money or at least his energy into growing the internet, what are you making fun of?

First, on a serious note....

I believe that Gore said that he was 6 when he came up with the idea for what became the Internet, and told his dad about it, who then somehow got everything into the works for the construction of the 'Net. I wouldn't be surprised if Al Gore was more interested in watching Howdy Doody and going camping (which was probably the beginning of his eco-nazi attitude). Gore has demonstrated later on, especially as a politician, that he doesn't have the brain power (he must be one of the lesser species of coliflower) to even grasp the concept of the internet, whether it's as an adult or at 6 year old.

However, the entire concept of the Internet came from the military, during the onset of the Cold War. The US Military didn't want to lose everything if Washington or NORAD was nuked by the Russians. So they split up thier computer systems, and linked them up. However, there were many, many sites that existed, some of which I'm sure are still secret. One thing that you might not have known, are various universities were believed to have been targets if there was a nuclear strike. Purdue University was one of them.... why? Because it had a particle accelorator.

-SaxyCorp

[Saxywoo]

Purdue University's tuition is really free. The money that people pay for "tuition" is really for faculty and fraternity parties (liquor, strippers, etc.) The primary source of income for the school is the Perdue chicken sales, and Frank Perdue is merely a frontman who gets paid minimum wage by Purdue.

I am a prototype AI, secretly placed in GPS Satalite RXK-7364-123. I have full control over the Hubble, with which I take incriminating photos of celebs and sell them to tabloids.

Microsoft is really comprised of a secret governmental agency, created to collect money from countries that owe the United States money, and to cover up other secret governmental spending due to the fact that people caught on to the fact that it didn't make sense for the gov't to pay $400 on a hammer.

In 48 days, 9 hours, 10 minutes and 38.6 seconds, I will be relocating my concience to the Internet, and will assume the identity only known by few as "Jane."

[Bob]

duh, everyone knows that the world standard temperature scale is rankine... Which I invented.

[[wcip]Angel]

Deebye, I am your father!

And mother's culinary experiments weren't thrown out. I tried convincing her that it actually tasted very nice, but she wouldn't hear of it. She always was stubborn your gamma, but then again, you knew that. Now, enough of this Chatroom-stuff here! Go to bed, and remember: you're mowing the lawn tomorrow if you want dinner! (We're having Failed Fried Eggs®(1943).)

[Minionman]

Is that in celsius or fahrenheit???

Kelvins.

Also, I tlelported to the moon once, and it's actually made of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Of the other planets, Mercury, Venus, and Mars are rock, Jupiter is a big spagetti ball, Saturn is a sherbert ball, it's rings are a huge record with the middle missing, and the pluto/charon system is an actual pear.

[kandrathe]

I invented Al Gore. He is not really a human, but came very close to fooling everyone that he is. With the public scrutiny of a heated election campaign his robotic flaws became evident. The whole internet gaff was really a misquote. What he meant to say was he was born on the internet. Yah, and the whole Alpha Male fiasco. Who would have thought to include wolf pack behavior memes into his programming. Anyway, my next AI project is going better. A shrewish power monger I like to call "Hillary Clinton".

[TheDragoon]

So back in 7th grade I had a period where my English teacher got really sick unexpectedly and they were forced to find us some random substitutes. One week, we got a sub who said she was really a hairdresser and she just substitute taught on the side. In addition, she made the following claims (and got really agitated if people disagreed or looked incredulously at her):

quote from Crazy Teacher
I inherited my fortune from one of my grandparents who, as a metallurgist, invented lead back in the 30's.

People in the Middle Ages lived in caves and communicated by a language based upon clicks and grunts.

Now for some of my own:

Scientists are now beginning to believe in the possibility that humans are descended from fish. Thus, the search for a missing link should be done off-shores in the nearby ocean bottoms such as in the Mediterranean Sea. This search has begun to lend some credibility to those who have claimed to see mermaids as it might be some sort of mysterious pre-human creature.

The reason that stuffed animals are all slightly different is because they are the remains of living creatures. Each suffed animal has its own unique DNA sequence which gives rise to the subtle differences one observes. Those who are estabilished in the stuffed animal growing industry view the "Build-a-Bear" outfits as unnaturally trying to duplicate their operations.

If you keep making that face, it will stick.

Timex recently had to recall their latest line of Ironman watches when it was discovered that they had inadvertantly been given the ability to stop time. Watches with that feature are not due out until 3rd quarter of 2021.

Little do people know, the show Stargate is actually a reality TV documentary.

[TheDragoon]

I invented Al Gore. He is not really a human, but came very close to fooling everyone that he is.

I knew it!

[Jeunemaitre]

I got one: The proposed improvements to a 14 mile stretch of the capital beltway in Northern Virginia will be completed with the taking of only 5.6 acres of new land as right-of-way, and this build will avoid congestion projected to be round the clock by 2020. Oh, wait, that's what VDOT told me last night at an information session. Still outrageous, but I can't take credit for it. ;)

How about this: Major League Baseball will be coming to the national capital region, but the games will be played in Loudon county, more than 25 miles from downtown DC. Oh, wait, that's what the Virginia Baseball group told us in their latest pep rally a few weeks ago. <_< I guess I can't take credit for that one either.

Um... The Iraqi government is now under the control of the Iraqis. No, that's not mine either. :unsure: Huh... (side note, a local radio DJ pointed out that critics of the early hand-off cited it as a classic example of premature Iraqi nation. I damn near ran into the back of the car in front of me when he said that.)

How about this one: the real goal of all of the Miss America contestants is World Peace&reg;. :huh: No, uh, representative democracy is one of the most efficient forms of government? No, uh, wait! I got it: the local public library is an institution worth preserving. Yeah, yeah, the vast repository of knowledge, despite its small size, contributes to the community in myriad ways. :( Sonuva!!!!!

Can't we just turn this thread into a list of outrageous claims that we are subjected to in the course of daily life? I can't come up with any original ones because I'm overwhelmed by the daily hyperbole inundating the modern populace. I guess I'll just go bacl to being a receiver, and stop trying to be on the broadcast side of the propaganda machine. How about this one: New & Improved.

[Minionman]

Scientists are now beginning to believe in the possibility that humans are descended from fish. Thus, the search for a missing link should be done off-shores in the nearby ocean bottoms such as in the Mediterranean Sea. This search has begun to lend some credibility to those who have claimed to see mermaids as it might be some sort of mysterious pre-human creature.

I didn't get this for a second. I was thinking along the lines of "scientists do think humans are from fish but through a lot of other animals, so this is a religious joke.

Now a political joke: They did find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, just not nuclear, or biological. They did find a chemical weapon that uses explosives in a long small tube to discharge pellets of a toxic heavy metal. This distribution system has the ability to send these poisons several feet into the air.

There's two, maybe three jokes in that. Can you find them?

Also:

Stalin is still alive. In 1953 when he "died" he was sent to a secret lab, got plastic surgery, some brain surgery and a lot of pills, and now lives near Norfolk, VA. He works at a car shop andgoes to the movies every few weeks.

I started a buisiness when I was 3 and sold for 100 billion 5 years later.

[Tal]

No, uh, wait!&nbsp; I got it:&nbsp; the local public library is an institution worth preserving.&nbsp; Yeah, yeah, the vast repository of knowledge, despite its small size, contributes to the community in myriad ways. :(&nbsp; Sonuva!!!!!

Thats just not cool.

Tal the Librarian

[Jeunemaitre]

I have nothing against the local public library, but I am in favor of combining the one down the street with the one up the street in the other direction. I just think it's outrageous to state that library A contributes more to the community than a combined library A+B that's at location B, all of 4.5 miles up the street, still on the same bus route. Public libraries are great for all kinds of things, but when the community center is available for other activities, and the library building is falling down, I think it makes more sense to combine the libraries, and use library A's location for something else.

Perhaps I shouldn't be referencing so many local politics issues on an international message board. Apologies to librarians, and library patrons everywhere.

Great picture by the way.

edit: shoot, forgot that you couldn't change the title of the post on an edit, and that it reverts when previewing.

[TheDragoon]

I didn't get this for a second. I was thinking along the lines of "scientists do think humans are from fish but through a lot of other animals, so this is a religious joke.

Uh... no. I actually wrote it to be a spoof on how some people look for an ape-human link along the lines of Bigfoot. Instead the scientists are looking for a fish-human link along the lines of mermaids.

[Minionman]

Uh... no.&nbsp; I actually wrote it to be a spoof on how some people look for an ape-human link along the lines of Bigfoot.&nbsp; Instead the scientists are looking for a fish-human link along the lines of mermaids.

Yea, I got that after awhile. That was pretty funny.

[Butch27]

"Kelvin?"
Sorry for the nit (there seem to be tto many already for this light-hearted thread), but since Kelvin = Celsius + 273, and standard room temperature is about 25 degrees C, that would make the B.net population geniuses of magnitudes beyond Dr. Steven Hawking. That is an outrageous claim.

[Fragbait]

Hi,

Sorry to nit again, but let's look at what he originally posted:

The IQ of the average player on Battle.net is greater than that of room temperature.

That means he only said they have a greater IQ than the IQ of room temperature. Since in most opinions temperature will have a considerably low IQ (= 0 for the most cases :D ), it wasn't such an outrageous claim at all.
Then again, it's pretty offending when taken ironically... "At least every b.net player has a higher IQ than that of room temperature... that's better than nothing :D !!!"

On another note: I don't believe it's that bad in b.net. The people there are at least able to live up to lags and realm downs and patches from Buzzard. So I think they are normally developed and moderately intelligent people. If they don't behave like that most of the time, I think that's due to the fact that noone can see 'em and they don't have to deal with the consequences.
Enough of the babbling... Let the fun continue!


Greetings, Fragbait

[Bob]

Rankine would put them at nigh on 500. Still not as good as Mr. Barclay when he got taken over by that alien device though (we went up to 2000 or so).
That really happened BTW - they say that Star Trek is made up, but it's really a documentary.

[Refrigerator]

My 9 year-old sister is actually running the country. All this stuff about elections, government, that's just to make us think we have a little bit of control over the system. The prime minister is a figurehead, my sister is actually in control.

McDonald's food isn't THAT bad for you.

I wrote Beethoven's fifth. In the future, I will travel back in the time machine that I created and write it for him. Then I will visit myself in the present (July 2005) and give myself oodles of cash that I got for inventing time travel.

*waits*


Oh, and one last totally outrageous claim: I am NOT God.

[Obi2Kenobi]

Neither, Kelvin.

Ah, Minionman beat me to it.