Three Generation Households

[ShadowHM]

Hi

I read this article in the New York Times with interest.:) It seems that there is a new trend to offset the increasing isolation of families in our society.

I have read many articles in the past, decrying the increasing number of 'single-parent' families and the perceived attendant societal problems that stem from that trend. Although the senior members of multi-generational households do have to overcome a shift from expectations about how they will spend their time once their own children get to adulthood, this 'new' trend does seem to me to be a more positive thing for the youngest members of such families.

I am quite sure that there are Lurkers who do live in such households. I would like to hear their perspectives on this living arrangement and other issues raised by the New York Times article.

At this time, I only know one such family (Mother, three sons, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren, all under one, albeit large, roof). It has been a surprisingly good thing for all concerned. The matriarch has the comfort of seeing her grandchildren daily, as well as aid with household chores that are becoming increasingly difficult for an elderly woman with arthritis. It doesn't hurt that one of her sons is also a fine and willing handyman for those 'fix-it' lists that come with any older house. The most difficult role is that of the one daughter-in-law, whose perception is that her efforts are often under-appreciated, and who yearns to be mistress of her own household.

[Maitre]

-- snip --
I am quite sure that there are Lurkers who do live in such households. I would like to hear their perspectives on this living arrangement and other issues raised by the New York Times article.
-- snip --

Kind of on topic here, but my father grew up in a 3 generation household. He and his twin sister were numbers 4 and 5 of 6 children. His eldest sibling (call her G) had gotten married, moved out, had a child, and ended the marriage and moving back in with the son (call him D), who was just a few years younger than my fathers younger brother (D has children as old as my brother and I). From what I've gathered over the years it was a bit of a strained household after a while because G moved out and left D to be raised by my grandparents. There are a number of other things that ended up straining my fathers family, but most of them came up years after the older siblings started moving out. Not the least of which was when my father enlisted in the Army and told his parents on his father's birthday: "Happy birthday Pop, I joined the Army and they're sending me to Vietnam."

The point of the story is that in some harmonious situations like the one ShadowHM describes, things work out well for most of the people involved, but at some critical mass (different for each family) it becomes too many issues. There's a lot to be gained by members of 3 generation households, but in some cases there's a lot to be lost as well.

In regard to single parent families, after just six weeks, my wife and I look at each other everyday and make each other promise that they'll never walk away. Neither of us would have any hope of being a single parent. Anyone who does it successfully is better person than I.

[Doc]

At this time, I only know one such family (Mother, three sons, daughter-in-law and two grandchildren, all under one, albeit large, roof). It has been a surprisingly good thing for all concerned. The matriarch has the comfort of seeing her grandchildren daily, as well as aid with household chores that are becoming increasingly difficult for an elderly woman with arthritis. It doesn't hurt that one of her sons is also a fine and willing handyman for those 'fix-it' lists that come with any older house. The most difficult role is that of the one daughter-in-law, whose perception is that her efforts are often under-appreciated, and who yearns to be mistress of her own household.

Cripes, it sounds like a promo for CBS's newest reality show or something.

Still, it's probably a good thing for the children. Family is becoming such a rarity.

[ShadowHM]

Cripes, it sounds like a promo for CBS's newest reality show or something.

Frankly, there are days when it fits the description of sit-com more than anything. ;) Since I know all of the household members very well, I have been the sounding board for many the gripe and anecdote. :P

[Doc]

Frankly, there are days when it fits the description of sit-com more than anything. ;) Since I know all of the household members very well, I have been the sounding board for many the gripe and anecdote. :P

It's hard being the older wiser sort. (No offense there young lady) The whole sounding board thing. People come to you and expect you to not only listen, but somehow solve all of their problems. Hell, I'm older but I am not all knowing and I certainly can't fix everything like people seem to expect me to... I got my own problems, like remembering what day of the week it is, or what year it is, or what the current month might be. (The other day I insisted in an argument that it was still April. And it is actually June. I think)

I think it is good for us older folk to be around young children... Like a grand parent living in the home. Now, see, most adults, they grow up, and they really grow up if you know what I mean. They get all responsible and uptight and have a mortgage and all these bills and what not. These adults forget to have fun. And they act like parents, which is a real drag. They are running around all frazzled and bent out of shape and a load on their shoulders. In short, they have probably become their own parents.

However, you reach a point where you burn out and no longer give a damn. You just don't give a damn what other people might think. You no longer give a damn if something just might leave a hard to clean stain. You no longer give a damn if that second bowl of chocolate pudding might go to your ass or perhaps your thighs. You no longer give a flying flip at a rolling donut that you might do something that may make you look foolish. In short, you killed that bug up your ass and became fun again... Which is why older grandparent types really do belong in the family, because the parents themselves are moody self suffering buzzkills.

The other day I actually sat down with my niece and coloured on the walls. Hell, what's the big deal? The crayons wash off. Damn sure doesn't hurt the wall... Just a little 409 and about five minutes with a sponge and everything is right again. She had a good time, I had a great time, and there was no harm done... Until I got lectured for letting her colour on the walls yet again. (And that's another thing, what business does anybody have lecturing me at my age, hell with you, I already know thank you very much. I own those walls and I am most certainly not teaching her anti social bad habits)

I find it sad that both of her parents have long since ran away from all responsibility and that there will never be a three generation house for her... Her grandparents are her parents. (And if granny lectures me one more time I am going to let that fool woman have it)

I guess these multi generation homes, when they are healthy and good and functional (No comment about extended families all living in the same trailer) they should be celebrated.

[Maitre]

-- snip --

I think it is good for us older folk to be around young children... Like a grand parent living in the home. Now, see, most adults, they grow up, and they really grow up if you know what I mean. They get all responsible and uptight and have a mortgage and all these bills and what not. These adults forget to have fun. And they act like parents, which is a real drag. They are running around all frazzled and bent out of shape and a load on their shoulders. In short, they have probably become their own parents.

-- snip --

I guess these multi generation homes, when they are healthy and good and functional (No comment about extended families all living in the same trailer) they should be celebrated.

I agree with you Doc, when it works, it can be great not only for the youngest generation but for the middle as well. Some of us young folks are too proud to admit it, but there's a lot you can learn from your parents about how to deal with kids on a daily basis. I was actually thinking to myself the other day that there was no way I could "call in healthy" today, because I have a mortgage, two cars, the new baby, and all that relying on me saving my vacation time until it's needed for something other than enjoying one more nice day outside.

Another thing that you can get from the multi generation household is a better sense of connection with one's geneology and ancestry. I recently attended a funeral for a great uncle of mine, and met at least 10 people for the first time despite the fact that I am related to them by blood, and that was my mother's family. I don't have the first clue how many people are in my father's family that I've never met (I think at last count my grandparents have 35 grand and great-grand chidren, and 2 great-great-grandchildren). It seems like the times that I'm able to pick up the family structure are those chats on easy afternoons when we go for a visit, which seem like just the thing that happens when grandma and grandad are two floors away, rather than two states.

[kandrathe]

I was pretty upset when my Mom decided to move far south (20 hours by car). I would have loved to have her nearer to my children, and I regret daily the relationships she and thay are missing.

[--Pete]

Hi,

. . . this 'new' trend does seem to me to be a more positive thing for the youngest members of such families.

I think we need to distinguish multi-generational households by the circumstances under which they've come about. If they've come about because the people wished to live together, or if there are health reasons where one generation is caring for another (typically, one thinks of middle generation helping the older, but the opposite can well be true in cases of chronic illnesses), then all could be well. If the reason for a multi-generation household is the typical 'kid fails to make it in the world and moves back in with mom and dad, bringing his/her offspring along', then the picture is not as bright.

The summer ('70) I worked for the Census Bureau doing their crime survey, I ran across many multi-generation households (one had 5 generations, and not a male over the age of 14). Not one of them was a Brady Bunch.

--Pete

[ShadowHM]

Hi,
I think we need to distinguish multi-generational households by the circumstances under which they've come about. If they've come about because the people wished to live together, or if there are health reasons where one generation is caring for another (typically, one thinks of middle generation helping the older, but the opposite can well be true in cases of chronic illnesses), then all could be well. If the reason for a multi-generation household is the typical 'kid fails to make it in the world and moves back in with mom and dad, bringing his/her offspring along', then the picture is not as bright.

The summer ('70) I worked for the Census Bureau doing their crime survey, I ran across many multi-generation households (one had 5 generations, and not a male over the age of 14). Not one of them was a Brady Bunch.

--Pete

You make a good point, Pete.

However, even under the circumstance of ''kid fails to make it in the world and moves back in with mom and dad, bringing his/her offspring along', it seems to me more likely that the 'offspring brought along' may well be better off than they would be otherwise. However, since I have had little to no exposure to that particular family arrangement, I am in no position to assess. It could, I am sure, also be argued that the dysfunctional patterns established in the second generation would be simply reinforced for the third generation in the household.

By the way, I do believe that all families are dysfunctional, one way or another; it is just a matter of degree. I don't know any family that lives up to 'Brady Bunch' standards. ;)

[--Pete]

Hi,

By the way, I do believe that all families are dysfunctional, one way or another; it is just a matter of degree. I don't know any family that lives up to 'Brady Bunch' standards. ;)

Thanks for the Tolstoy moment :D

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

--Pete

[kandrathe]

However, even under the circumstance of ''kid fails to make it in the world and moves back in with mom and dad, bringing his/her offspring along', it seems to me more likely that the 'offspring brought along' may well be better off than they would be otherwise.

My older sister went through this phase and is still in some ways doing this with my mom. She married a guy after she finished being an MP in the Air Force, he didn't want children and she was told by the doctor she was unable to have them. Well, surprise after tens years together. Nature figured out how to make her parts work. Husband freaked out and a divorce ensued. They sold the house and business they jointly owned, then he took the money and lost it at a casino. Exit deadbeat loser. My family doesn't really believe in welfare so she ended up moving in with my mom, then for the next ten years pretty much relied on mom for stability. During that time she went back to the university and obtained her masters degree in chemisty, and now has a good job. But, she has no interest in men. She is kind of the archetype for Man-Hating-Bitch, and with her military background she routinely stomps the heinous jerks she attracts or she drives away the nice ones since she can't respect them. I think of her as a really mean Grace Jones. Anyway, her daughter is 180 degrees opposite and is the 100 percent definition of feminine and docile. Even though the daughter is now in her late teens, they jointly (my mom and my sister) decided that living with grandma was better than the daughter being lonely and unsupervised with mom and mom focused on her career.

So that is just one case that I know alot about. It's no Brady Bunch, but it's also not a multi-generational welfare drug abuse thing either.

[BigGrim]

However, even under the circumstance of ''kid fails to make it in the world and moves back in with mom and dad, bringing his/her offspring along', it seems to me more likely that the 'offspring brought along' may well be better off than they would be otherwise.

Jeez. How long has it been since I posted?

Anyhow, don't forget to mention the rising cost of living versus the stasis of people's income levels. Perhaps it's because I live in California, but I know a great number of my generation who still live at home with their parents because it is just that expensive to live anywhere without an established support system. There are small houses here in the suburbs that are going for a million plus. Add that to the rising tuition rates and gasoline prices and there are simply way too many things that make it more economical to stay at home and save up for that house...which might taken an eternity depending on how much money you make and how thrifty you are with it.

Don't forget some of the other socio-economic factors either. Divorced or single parents often need that extended family support system present to aid with the providing for and raising of children. They might have successful jobs and careers but a sudden drastic change in circumstance can have all of that tumbling down in a heartbeat.

-Grim-