Happy Holidays

[Magix]

Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays!

[ZatarRufus]

Like clockwork I get this in an email this time of year.

Santa Claus, A Scientific Investigation

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

This is a complex theological question that each child must decide for him- or herself. Until now, that is. With the aid of a calculator, SPY JR. has conducted a rigorous statistical investigation into the question of Santa's existence. Be forewarned: you may not like our conclusions...

We begin our investigation by assuming that Santa Claus really does exist. Now, if you've learned anything about human nature, you know that it's highly unlikely that a normal man would choose, for no particular reason, to devote his life to making toys and delivering them to boys and girls the world over. But this is an objective inquiry, and questions of motivation aren't relevant. We want only to know whether such a man could accomplish his mission.

Santa's first obstacle is that no known species of reindeer can fly. However, scientists estimate that out of the earth's roughly 2 million species or living organisms, 300,000 or so have yet to be classified. So, even though most of these undiscovered species are insects and germs, we can't rule out the slight possibility that a species of flying reindeer does, in fact, exist. And that no one besides Santa has ever seen one.

A bigger obstacle for Santa is that there are 2 billion children under the age of 18 in the world. The good news is that he needs to deliver presents only to the Christian children, of whom there are approximately 378 million. Let's assume that 15 percent of these Christian children have been bad and are thus -- like Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, and Muslim children -- ineligible for gift getting. Still at an average rate of 3.5 children per household, Santa has a backbreaking 91.8 million homes to visit on any given Christmas Eve.

Fortunately, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas Eve darkness to visit all these homes if he travels from east to west, thanks to the rotation of the earth. Unfortunately, this still works out to 822.6 visits per second. So, for each Christian household with good children, Santa has just over a thousandth of a second to land, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the rest of the presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left out, get back up the chimney, climb back into his sleigh, take off and fly to the next house.

How fast is Santa moving? Assuming all 91.8 million stops are spread evenly over the earth's landmass, Santa must travel 0.79 miles per household -- a total trip of 72,522,000 miles. (This is a conservative estimate. It doesn't include trips across oceans, feeding stops for the reindeer, etc.) Given the 31-hour time period, Santa's sleigh must maintain an average speed of 650 miles per second, or more than 3,000 times the speed of sound. To give you an idea how fast that is, the fastest man-made vehicle ever built, the Ulysses space probe, travels at a relatively poky pace of 27.4 miles per second, and conventional, land-bound reindeer travel at a top speed of 15 miles per hour. But let's assume that Santa's flying reindeer are somehow able to reach hypersonic speeds -- thanks, say, to the magical spirit of Christmas giving.

Let's take a closer look at Santa's vehicle. First of all, assuming a cheapo 2 pounds of presents per child (that's like one crummy Lego set), the sleigh must still be able to carry a load or 321,300 tons -- plus Santa, an overweight man. On land, a reindeer can't pull more that 300 pounds of freight, and even assuming that flying reindeer could pull ten times that amount, Santa's massive sleigh has to be drawn by 214,200 beasts. They increase the weight of the overall Santa payload to 353,430 tons (not including the weight of the sleigh itself). This is more than four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner. Imagine: Santa skimming over rooftops in a gargantuan hypersonic aircraft with even less maneuverability than a Big Wheel.

Here's where things get fun.

Three hundred fifty-three thousand tons of reindeer and presents are going to create an enormous amount of air resistance -- especially at 650 miles per second. This air resistance will heat up the reindeer in the same way that spaceships are heated up when they reenter the earth's atmosphere. According to our calculations, the lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. This means that they will burst into spectacular, multi-colored flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them. As Santa continues on his mission -- leaving defeaning sonic booms in his wake -- charred reindeer will constantly be sloughed off. All 214,200 reindeer will be dead within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

As for Santa, he will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa will be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,375,015 pounds of force (after we deduct his weight). This force will kill Santa instantly, crushing his bones, pulverizing his flesh, turning him into pink goo.

In other words, if Santa tries to deliver presents on Christmas Eve to every qualified boy and girl on the face of the earth, he will be liquified.

Our conclusion: if Santa Claus does exist, he's dead.


-From SPY Magazine, first published sometime in the late 1980s...

[Sabra]

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

[--Pete]

Hi,

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

I got a big chuckle out of that, as well as a memory.

As I child, I was intelligent but stupid (kinda like the engineer who, on the jammed guillotine, says, "I think I see what the problem is").

When I was around 7, I told my parents that there was no Santa. I'd gotten presents from him, but we had no fireplace. Besides, no way could he do all that in one night. They were happy that I'd figured it out. It was also the last time I got presents from 'Santa'.

Like I said, intelligent but stupid.

Happy days to one and all. Whatever your beliefs, may today give you joy with family and friends.

--Pete

[Taelas]

My parents (and, I believe, most Danes) don't really do much with the Santa Claus myth -- we have fun dressing up as him and delivering presents, but we open our presents on Christmas Eve, not the 25th. If Santa delivers presents, he'd have to do so in person. Here, even the most dense child soon figures out that the "Santa" who just handed them a present is really their grandpa in a funny suit with a fake beard (especially since there's usually a card telling them who the present is from).

I must admit, I sometimes shake my head when I see English movies where children believe in Santa Claus. It's cute, I suppose, but ... I never understood why anyone would want their children to believe that story.

Anyway!

Happy holidays.

[--Pete]

Hi,

I never understood why anyone would want their children to believe that story.

It's training for when they'll become voters.

--Pete

[Magix]

Hi,

I never understood why anyone would want their children to believe that story.

It's training for when they'll become voters.

--Pete

Couldn't help but, LOL...

[DeeBye]

Merry Christmas Lurkers!

[Taelas]

Hi,

I never understood why anyone would want their children to believe that story.

It's training for when they'll become voters.

--Pete

Hah! Penny Arcade had a comic recently which said much the same thing, only comparing it to God instead.

[kandrathe]

I explain to my kids that in our time, "Santa Claus" is not a living person, but a more abstract idea of the spirit of holiday giving. If they choose to not believe "in the spirit of giving" at the holidays, then Santa Claus will cease to exist for them. Then I read to them the classic, "Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus". Finally, I've shown them the actual historical accounts of Saint Nicholas of Myra and the Greek and Byzantine folklore of Basil of Caesarea. So, they know "Santa Claus" was a real person who gave gifts to children, and in the spirit of that tradition we continue it in the modern day.

I think they understand. It's an abstract concept like "love, generosity, and devotion".

[--Pete]

Hi,

Finally, I've shown them the actual historical accounts of Saint Nicholas of Myra and the Greek and Byzantine folklore of Basil of Caesarea.

Historical accounts? You mean the collection of fables and fairy tales written about a turn of a fourth century priest by the following three centuries of credulous monks? In one thing they all agree -- that St. Nick's bounty was always in secret.

As to Basil, his story, being better documented and in the more intellectually advanced east, is nowhere as fantastic. However, he is not associated with individual giving so much as with following Jesus' injunction to give everything one has to the poor and follow Him.

I think that what you are doing, instilling humane values into your children and teaching them the sources of our customs, is very laudable. But if you present medieval superstition and exaggeration as "historical accounts" then you are instilling the credulity in one place that you are eradicating in another.

Note: not faulting you. Your children, your right to raise them as you will. And, from your attitude and some of your comments, I think you're doing a great job (not that what I think matters a whit in this case). Just saying.

--Pete

[kandrathe]

I think that what you are doing, instilling humane values into your children and teaching them the sources of our customs, is very laudable. But if you present medieval superstition and exaggeration as "historical accounts" then you are instilling the credulity in one place that you are eradicating in another.

Yeah, mostly I wanted to be honest with them about the source of our traditions, and inform them on how it's been transformed into a yearly festival of excessive marketing and conspicuous department store consumption. It's more that our tradition of secret giving began with Nickolaus of Myra, whose bones I actually ended up seeing while stranded for a day in Bari on my way to Greece. But, yes, Saint Nickolaus has been attributed with some pretty fantastic tales, which are most likely exaggerations and mythology.

I actually find the holly, mistletoe, pine tree decorations, and other northern European traditions more interesting.

[--Pete]

Hi,

... Nickolaus of Myra, whose bones I actually ended up seeing ...

Isn't it in Ivanhoe that the comment to the effect that if all the pieces of the one true cross were gathered together you'd have quite a forest?

I actually find the holly, mistletoe, pine tree decorations, and other northern European traditions more interesting.

I agree. I also find the tie in with the Germanic and Nordic religions more interesting as well. The whole symbolism of the world tree, the unity of nature, etc.

--Pete

[eppie]

In the Netherlands Santa Claus came close to being the most popular gift giving character, but luckily Sinterklaas (saint nicolas) defended his territory well, and still reigns.

Try to explain that to your children.

Anyway Sinterklaas finally is a bit more real in the fact that according to Christians he really existed. (Some time ago I saw statues of him on the facade of a church in Sardegna).
But maybe in 1000 years also Santa Claus becomes 'real' for a group of people.

I wonder actually how the Sinterklaas fest in the Netherlands became popular.

edit: after a quick look at wikipedia....indeed Sinterklaas as modern childrens fest became probably only in use after 1850......so maybe Santa Claus is older after all.

[LavCat]

In the Netherlands Santa Claus came close to being the most popular gift giving character, but luckily Sinterklaas (saint nicolas) defended his territory well, and still reigns.

Are not Santa Claus and Saint Nichlas the same name? Though Santa, as we know him now, is a creation of Coca Cola.

[--Pete]

Hi,

Are not Santa Claus and Saint Nichlas the same name? Though Santa, as we know him now, is a creation of Coca Cola.

I always get St. Nick and Old Nick confused. One presides over a season of crass materialism when money is lord and the other rides around in an airborne sleigh.

I think Macy's contributed to that creation.

In "The Night Before Christmas" the name is St. Nicolas, but the description is very much Santa Claus. That was the early 1800s.

--Pete

[Jester]

I wonder actually how the Sinterklaas fest in the Netherlands became popular.

Zwarte Piet was a very credible threat to make to naughty children?

-Jester

[kandrathe]

... Nickolaus of Myra, whose bones I actually ended up seeing ...

Isn't it in Ivanhoe that the comment to the effect that if all the pieces of the one true cross were gathered together you'd have quite a forest?

I think John the Baptist has at least three heads.

I find it odd that Catholic alters need to be consecrated by relics in the first place, and then these relics are the assorted body parts of supposedly venerated Christian Saints and martyrs. It's rather morbid. Reminds me of my time in the Capuchin crypts. I wasn't hungry for t-bone after that.

[--Pete]

Hi,

... It's rather morbid. ...

Well, it is a death centric religion. Its central icon is a person suffering an agonizing death sentence. Its central dogma is that justice will occur after death. Its central worship is ritual cannibalism. Many of its heroes are people who died for the faith. So, yeah, morbid. What else do you expect.

--Pete

[kandrathe]

Hi,

... It's rather morbid. ...

Well, it is a death centric religion. Its central icon is a person suffering an agonizing death sentence. Its central dogma is that justice will occur after death. Its central worship is ritual cannibalism. Many of its heroes are people who died for the faith. So, yeah, morbid. What else do you expect.

--Pete

Which is why I'm not a Catholic, I guess. Not to say that various sects of protestantism don't have their quirks either. We're pretty much convinced communion is still "remembered" with grape juice and crackers. I hang with the people who are more focused on caring, love, charity... The two commandment people... you know, love God, love your neighbors.