Time for more jokes

[Occhidiangela]

Robert Heinlein, in his book "Stranger In A Strange Land" offered the idea that laughter was one way to react to pain, or empathatic pain.

Well, for many folks right now, pain, be it psychic or real, is probably a reality, including a few folks in Iraq regardless of the side.

Le't make this a joke thread, I will offer up a few little quips and ask that you all help me. :)

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

I did not make these up, they were emailed to me months ago.

And from Andrew Dice Clay

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
There came a big spider
Who sat down beside her
And said: "What's in the bowl, baaaaybee?"

(This is the cleaner version I tell my children) :)

Mary had a little lamb

The doctor fainted dead away.

That goes back to 4th grade. :o

[TaMeOlta]

Are we allowed to do the Andrew Dice Clay ones ? :P That one that got me to laugh the most was :

Three Blind Mice
See how they run
Where the Hell do they think they're going ?!

(also 'cleaned' up a little ;) )

[Copadope]

Here's one of my favorite limmericks that I read in Readers Digest long ago.

There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to compose limmericks.
But he failed at the sport
Cause he wrote them too short.


And for all you poetry lovers (also stolen from Readers Digest albeit not word for word)

It's easy to write
Haiku. Simply stop on the
Seventeenth syllab.


:D

--Copadope

[ShadowHM]

When I need a chuckle, Terry Pratchett is a font of them.

You did something because it had always been done, and the explanation was "But we've always done it this way." A million dead people can't have been wrong, can they?

-- Traditions justified

For the long-married among us:

Sam Vimes could parallel-process. Most husbands could. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full.

For those who fail to suffer appropriate paranoia:

Carrot: "There has never been an authenticated case of an unprovoked wolf attacking an adult human being."
Gaspode: "An' that's good, is it?"
Carrot: "What do you mean?"
Gaspode: "We-el, o'course us dogs only has little brains, but it seems to me that what you just said was pretty much the same as sayin' 'no unprovokin' adult human bein' has ever returned to tell the tale,' right? I mean, your wolf has just got to make sure they kill people in quiet places where no one'll ever know, yes?"
Carrot: "I wish you hadn't said that, Gaspode."
Gaspode: "You wish I hadn't said it?"

On reality and sexual fantasy:

He'd noticed that sex bore some resembalance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination -- but at the end of the day they'd settle quite happily for egg and chips.  If it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.

On the fundamental flaw of democracy:

Vimes had once discussed the Ephebian idea of 'democracy' with Carrot, and had been rather interested in the idea that everyone had a vote until he found out that while he, Vimes, would have a vote, there was no way in the rules that anyone could prevent Nobby Nobbs from having one as well. Vimes could see the flaw there straight away.

Or this gem to live by:

"But you know what they say, lad. 'Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.'"

I could go on and on......

But I do owe Mr. Pratchett a great deal of thanks for improving my outlook on the world so many times and in so many ways.

edit- checking tags only, per Shadow's request

[TaMeOlta]

:blink: I just saw Griselda appear then dissappear :blink: she really is magical ! ( :P )

"Test blah blah test2" ;)

[Erthshade]

Let's see if I can get these...

The first quote is from Pyramids.

The next four are from The Fifth Elephant.

The one about setting someone on fire... argh. Fifth Elephant as well? So many places it could be...

[Jonathon Spectre]

I was out playing golf one day and doing terrible when this frog jumped over next to my tee. I looked at him a moment, as he was a very bright green. Suddenly, he went, "Ribbit. Nine iron. Ribbit."

I could scarcely believe my ears. I knelt down and looked at him and AGAIN he said, plain as day, "Ribbit. Nine iron. Ribbit."

I took out my nine iron, hit the ball, and got a perfect hole in one. I looked at the frog and laughed, then gathered up my stuff and headed to the next hole. I was choosing my club when I heard a voice at my feet.

"Ribbit. Three wood. Ribbit."

Again I chose the frog's club, and again, a perfect hole in one. This happened for the remaining ten holes of golf. The frog picked the club, I made the shot, hole in one, every time. At the end of the day, delirious with happiness, I picked the frog up and said, "What now, frog?" I was not prepared for his answer.

"Ribbit. Go to Vegas. Ribbit."

I followed my instincts (and the frog's instructions) and headed out to the desert. Once we got to the famous Las Vegas strip, the frog said, "Ribbit. Mirage Hotel and Casino. Ribbit."

So we went to the Mirage Hotel and Casino. When we got inside, I looked at the frog. He looked bored, but said, "Ribbit. Roulette. Ribbit."

I moseyed over to the roulette table and watched it a minute. The frog said, "Ribbit. Red seven. Ribbit."

I put $100 on red seven and what do you know! It hit! That made me a cool $3600.

"Ribbit. Let it ride. Ribbit."

And so I did. For almost two hours I played roulette with my fortune-telling frog, until I was worth a vast sum of money and two thick-necked men had come 'round to explain that "you ain't playin' no more tonight, got it?" I stood there, exhausted and jubilant, and then looked at my frog. "What now?"

"Ribbit. Get us a room. Ribbit."

That was a great idea, so I went and rented us the "high roller" suite, and then made my way upstairs. What luxury! Leather couches! Huge bed! Hot tub! "What now, frog?"

"Ribbit. Take me to the bathroom. Ribbit."

I carried the frog into the bathroom.

"Ribbit. Put me in the tub and turn on the warm water. Ribbit."

I did so.

"Ribbit. Kiss me. Ribbit."

I thought about that one a moment, but the frog did change my life hugely for the better, so after just a moment I leaned down and planted one right on the frog's green lips. And lo and behold! An instant later smoke swirled around the frog and it vanished, and in the frog's place was a naked teenage girl!

And THAT, your Honor, is how that naked teenage girl came to be in the shower in my hotel room, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.

JS

[Elric of Grans]

Hail Occhi,

I keep a file on my system of the funniest Unix Fortunes I've seen pop up for me: here's a selection of the best of those :)


Dos: N., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system
crashes, usually just before saving a massive project. Easily cured by
UNIX. See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.
(from David Vicker's .plan)


If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"


If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
next year.
What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their
own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
-- Dave Barry


We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Hey! did you leave the lists alone?

Chorus: Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.

We don't need no compilation
We don't need no load control
No link edit for external bindings
Hey! did you leave that source alone?
(Chorus)

We don't need no side-effecting
We don't need no flow control
No global variables for execution
Hey! did you leave the args alone?
(Chorus)

We don't need no allocation
We don't need no special-nodes
No dark bit-flipping for debugging
Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
(Chorus)

-- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd


Our OS who art in CPU,
UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
In kernel as it is in user!


"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"

"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988


better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}


Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-- Matthew 5:37


It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students
that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5


No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
and Telegraph Company.
-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
machine, 1943.


And, for a regular joke, my personal favourite...

*Knock Knock*

"Who's there?"

"A little boy who cannot reach the doorbell"

EDIT: Formatting

[yangman]

Two guys walked into a bar.

You'd think the second guy would have known better.

- Mr. Andrews




I'll get off the stage now...

[WarBlade]

In my city we have Westies. You people won't know what Westies are, yet you probably have them in a city near you . . . They are frequently characterized by their large cars (often parked in collections on the front lawn with missing wheels, motors etc. ), Large dogs, old stereos blaring little outside of ACDC and Metallica and a tendancy to inhabit West Auckland.

First up. A quickie.

Q: What does a Westie girl use for protection during intercourse?

A: Bus shelters.

And now for an explanation of the future of the Olympic Games.

WAITAKERE CITY - OLYMPICS 2004
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Waitakere City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city (preferably from the New Lynn area), wearing the traditional balaclava.
The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof
of the stadium.

THE EVENTS.
In previous Olympic games, Waitakere's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT.
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES.
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.).

HAMMER THROW.
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer (claw, sledge etc)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm
to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas
style wages delivery man.

BOXING.
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Red
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS.
Competitors will be asked to break into the Kelston Boy's bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT.
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.

THE MARATHON.
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING.
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge over the Whau Creek. The first
three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK.
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Waitakere City.

GYMNASTICS.
Will now be held in an abandoned meat works, and will include carcass
vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS.
All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica

RELAY.
Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house
in New Lynn and getting back to Henderson using at least four stolen cars.

WRESTLING.
The rules will now specify that competitors must be topless and jelly will be involved.

BASEBALL.
Requires contestants to line up with steel baseball bats. The medal will be
awarded to the last man standing.

DISCUS.
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and
throw it to his mate the fastest.

ROWING.
The 500 metre skull will be changed to the 500 litre skull and promises to
be the most hotly contested event. Many, many, many athletes are currently in training.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY.
Entertainment will include formation rave-dancing by the members of the
Titirangi Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Henderson Community Choir. The Olympic
flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[Sheep]

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor you’re on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"


"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the
black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the
chicken and we'll find out.

Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any
chickens. I have never known any
chickens.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it
crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken
a job in New York.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer
is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross."


Courtesy of various chain letters.

"Are you omnipotent?"
"Aye lass, but I'm takin' pills fer it!"

Terry Pratchet: The Last Hero, Deity talking to Mad Hamish, old man.

I have lots more that are going to be on my site, but it's under construction.

[Executor]

Couple of my favorites:

D!ck Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. D!ck looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

And:

George Dubya and D!ck Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 ."

Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Rhydderch Hael]

A man on horseback rides into a bar.

The bartender eyes the strange sight for a moment, shrugs, and asks the man, "So, what'll you have?"

The horse answers, "Draft beer. And could someone get this guy off my back?!"

[Refrigerator]

Well, I don't know about little quips, but here is my library of funny jokes. All mailed to me by Jokepost, which is a great site.

Anyway, here is the first half......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you considering having children? To determine
whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we
suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub
your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken
bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at
night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look
cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to
the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to
run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I had. Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so i got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to *20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
the snow plow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to
do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very
cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white crap fell today, and its so cold it
probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to
get all dressed up and go to out to shovel then I had
to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk
is lying.

December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she...... NUTS?!?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's damn well lying.

December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the Son of a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I'll
drag him though the snow by his balls. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street. Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin'
snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time. I'm going to
kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
Shoveling!!

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-
old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought
George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked
him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top?
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't
belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up
there, and you just want to help the poor thing down.
That's a post turtle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every few months or so I accumulate newspaper headlines
that various people send in. Here's that batch for this
month.

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Famous Quotes

"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the
Red sea.

"Scattered showers my ass"
-Noah

"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the
same"
-Oscar Wilde

"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
-any man who has been married

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a
vegetarian because I hate plants"
-A. Whitney Brown

"I told you I was Sick!"
-On a tombstone

"What the hell are you trying to say?"
-any dog looking at its owner

"Time's fun when you're having flies"
-Kermit the Frog

"You want What on the ceiling?"
-Michelangelo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when
the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been
better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think
about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went
out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So
he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear
appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do
you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front
of him."

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone
else must of shot the bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the
doctor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the
meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful
John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this
only made her more curious. Over the course of the
evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a
letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his
mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you
'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual Medical Chart Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on
the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in
the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent
home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our
car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-
sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However,
he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped,
"Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for
shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left
are Styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer
head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the
dork list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with
Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my
beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from
Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID
LETTERMAN)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel on the Christmas tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems every
where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her mom was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness
the reindeer he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to
the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit
the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to
drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel
said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas
tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be
on top of the Christmas tree...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope, having been invited to address the United
Nations, arrives in New York and is whisked away in a
private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made
the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his
driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he
can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope
knows they are still going to arrive late and insists
that the driver make even better time. The driver fears
for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any
faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the
driver to get in the back and let him drive.

The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making
incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of
traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in
time. Six blocks from their destination a New York
police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them
over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and
recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer
informs the Pope he was speeding and driving
recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big
hurry to address an international audience on the most
urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's
pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to
headquarters.

"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.

"This is the chief, what's the problem?"

"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot,
and I'm not so sure what to do"

"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.

"Bigger than that" says the officer.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the
chief.

"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.

"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"

"Bigger" say the officer.

"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the
United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.

"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the
Pope!"

[Refrigerator]

OK, here is the second part. Sorry about the length, but this is even after I cut out some! I've been subscribed for a while, I guess....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there
for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went
up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires!

So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car
was parked around the corner.


I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

X-Files Top Ten Lines Never to Be Heard

10. "The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder....I think it
wants to phone home."

9. "Sure we could have these people killed to protect
what they know, but wouldn't that be a little harsh?"

8. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is
Casper and he's what you call a 'friendly' ghost."

7. "Look under the mask, this is no swamp monster, it's
Mr. Handy, the owner of the old country store!"

6. "My Lord! This conspiracy involves all 3 of the
Babor sisters!"

5. "Well, Agent Mulder, you've caught us. We'll
cooperate fully, of course."

4. "You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director
Skinner, that I've switched over to the nicotine
patch."

3. "The president wants to see you two immediately. His
cheeseburger's possessed."

2. "And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been
for you meddlin' FBI agents!"

1. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong....the government did
have our best interests at heart, after all!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Math Exam

A university Math professor had to compose an exam to
give his students at the end of the year. He was a bit
lazy, so he set the following exam:

----------
"Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples."
----------

That was all.

He handed out the exam to his students and gave them
three hours to complete it. However, after just a
couple of minutes one student stood up, handed in his
paper and left the room.

That student got an "A". But how?

Well, here's what the student wrote:

MATHS EXAM

Question 1.

Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples.

Correct Answer:

Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples.

End.

He figured that if that exam was good enough for a
university professor to set his students, it was
certainly good enough to use as an example!

In the future, the professor banned that specific
answer from the exams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high
scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed
instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with
Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to
inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of
sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of
beer. "So did you tell her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep", replies
Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" Exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband
died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"WHY?" Asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I
asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said,
'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said:
'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS one is FUNNY
Monks Made a Mistake

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery
going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the
originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls
were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--"
All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he
falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Van Gogh's Relatives

After much research it was discovered that Van Gogh had
many relatives. Here are a few:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His prune eating brother: Gotta Gogh
His constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
His brother that worked in a convenient store: Stopn Gogh
His Yugoslavian grandpa: U. Gogh
His brother that liked to bleach his clothes: Hue Gogh
His cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His uncle who was a magician: Wherediddy
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
His Mexican cousin's American half-brother: Grin Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
His sister that liked disco: Go Gogh
His stagecoach driving nephew: Wellsfar Gogh
His bird loving uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew that is a psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
His fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
His aunt that taught positive thinking: Wayda Gogh
His extremely bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
His niece that drives the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three guys were out drinking one night when one of them
finally passed out. The other two laugh and one peels
the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the
guy's forehead.

An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch and
realizes that he has to drive home. He hadn't even gone
a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his
rearview mirror and he's forced to pull over.

The officer walks up, looks in and shakes his head.
"Sir, have you been drinking?"

The guy lies, "well, I had one or two."

Disgusted, the cop says, "Why do you have a Budweiser
label on your forehead?"

The guy looks at himself in the mirror and sees the
label. Thinking fast he looks at the cop and says, "Oh
this? Well you see, I'm trying to quit drinking and my
doctor gave me this patch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The
driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?"

The biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't," replies the man in the car.

The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While
passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the
car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" the biker asks.

"No I haven't," this driver replies.

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too
late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops
and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood
and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where the heck are the
brakes?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legend of the Maidens

A student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native
Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.

The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens
who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If
you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes
quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a
fabulous time!"

Several days later, the headlines in the local
newspaper read: "Body of Naked Student found in Tunnel,
Run Over by Train."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Special Remedy

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have
these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor
replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have
sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How
are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel
so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely
home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Merry Christmas

[Geladrius]

Written by me!

There once was a dog named yoylet,
and he liked to drink from the toilet.
One day he caught a desies,
Could do nothing but sneeze,
and that's when he wished he'd boiled it.

[Roland]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Occhi, I almost choked to death on a big swill of Coke as I read that. Damn near spewed it all over my monitor, too! You're killing me. Literally! :D Keep up the good jokes my man.

[NuurAbSaal]

link to a post by Occhi that r0x0rs

Enjoy!

I hope you agree that it belongs here Occhi :)

Greetings
Nuur

[ShadowHM]

All are from The Fifth Elephant (first book that came to hand when I went looking) except the final one, which is from Jingo.

[ShadowHM]

Hi Elric,

Your post reminded me of these ones. It took a while to find them, but I do hope you enjoy.




Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
------------------------------------------
The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
------------------------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
------------------------------------------

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
------------------------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
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Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
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Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
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