A joke or two

[Oomph-aak]

Doc...
How does your sig capture the IP address of the person viewing that post?
Thats a good joke! It would be scarier but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who can see it.


Here's my favorite Knock- Knock joke....


ME: I know a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it...
YOU: uh, ok...uh, knock-knock.
ME: Who's there?
YOU: *Glassy-eyed vacant stare*
ME: *Laughs Hysterically*

Oomph-aak

[LochnarITB]

How does your sig capture the IP address of the person viewing that post?

I'm not Doc but I'll give you a little info. Your browser can supply quite a bit of information to the sites you visit. There was a page at Gibson Research that showed some of the info that a site could grab and what can be done with cookies but I couldn't locate it again. It did, however, have a link to Browser Spy which shows all the stuff that can be done. Give it a visit. You might be surprised at what you find.

The thing about these sigs that I found more interesting was that the browser info was imbedded in a .jpg image. I went to the site to try to find out how it was done but they didn't explain it. My guess is that they have used an .htaccess file to do something akin to a custom error page which runs a script to run an editor for the pic and send back the .jpg. The author does say it was written on a whim so there probably isn't a lot to it.

[Occhidiangela]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet, and the wagon is tied to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

PS: I am most definitely not a cat person.

[Occhidiangela]

This one is for the "silly season" and is party neutral.
====================================================

While walking down the street one day, a lady senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator.

And she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open,and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her,and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a great time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers:

"Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... today you voted for us."

[Lady Vashj]

A man and a dog walk into a circus manager's office. The man says, "I have an act you might be interested in."

The manager shrugs. "I've been in this business for thirty years," he says, "and I've seen just about everything there is to see. But show me what you got."

The man explains, "Well, my dog here can talk." He turns to the dog and asks, "What's the top of a house called?"

The dog says "Rrooof!"

"Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

"Rrruuuuth!"

The manager is unimpressed and throws them out. As they're walking back to the car, the dog turns to his owner and asks, "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

[Refrigerator]

This has got to be one of the most resurrected threads here!

Anyways, to business.... This one is a true joke. The other day, for my birthday, I recieved a soccerball. On the package/case of the soccerball, there was this awesome warning message. (Warning message?) This is it:

NOTE

IF THIS BALL APPEARS TO
BE UNDER INFLATED,
IT IS NOT DEFECTIVE.
IT SIMPLY NEEDS
TO BE INFLATED

This was so unexpected when I opened it that.... well, it was really funny. So I felt I had to share this with you. What is really funny is there had to be a reason that they put it on the cardboard. Too many complaints about how the ball is 'defective'? Man.... some people's children.... :lol:

[DeeBye]

How does your sig capture the IP address of the person viewing that post?

It's an overused trick.

I will be glad when the phenomenon is done with.

[Count Duckula]

It's an overused trick.

I will be glad when the phenomenon is done with.

Maybe you should give the world a sig, Dee. :)

Anyway...

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.

[NiteFox]

Sorry for any offense caused by the telling of this joke.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were out for their weekly round of golf. Just as they were about to tee off on the first hole, another man carrying a suitcase and a golf bag joined them.

"Hi," the newcomer said. "Pardon my rudeness but my usual partner just called in sick. Do you two mind if I join you?"

Both men welcomed the man, and they teed off. The game continued without incident until they reached the fifth hole. One of the men asked the newcomer what he did for a living.

"I'm a hitman." he simply replied.

"Get out of here! You're a hitman?"

The self-proclaimed assassin nodded and set his suitcase on top of his golf bag. "Yep," he said as he clicked open the case to reveal a well-maintained sniper rifle. "This is my rifle."

"Wow," one of the men said. "Hey, mind if I have a look through the telescopic sight? I bet I can see my house from up here."

"Sure." the hitman said, handing him the piece. "Knock yourself out, it's the least I can do for letting me play along with you."

The man raised the scope to his eye. "Hey, I can see my house from up here. Hell, I can see right through my bedroom window... Hah! My wife's there. She's naked!" he paused for a moment before his voice affected a more angered tone. "Wait... My next door neighbour's there. He's naked too! The cheating bitch! I knew she was having an affair!"

"What?" his partner said. "No kidding?" he took the scope and looked through it. "Whoa. You're right. She's cheating on you with your neighbour!"

The angered husband passed the scope back to the assassin. "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"For you, my friend, I'll charge a flat rate. A thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger. Do you want this done?"

The man nodded. "Yeah, I'll pay you two thousand for two shots."

"Okay, how do you want this done?"

"First, shoot my wife through the mouth. She's always been a talkative bitch, it seems right that she dies that way... For my neighbour... Ah, leave him alive, but shoot his dick off. At least that way he'll know that what he did was wrong and never fool with anyone's wife again."

The sniper assembled his rifle while the man gave his grim orders and crouched on the grass. "Okay, just give me a minute."

He aimed at the bedroom window, but hesitated.

"What the hell are you waiting for?" the man yelled. "Get it over and done with before I change my mind!"

"Hang on." the hitman said with a sly grin. "I might be able to save you a grand here..."

[Lady Vashj]

This was written for a biology presentation.
To the tune of Lola:

I met him in a swamp down in the Great Lakes
Where the rivers catch on fire and they don't go out
Until the next day
Na-na-na-na next day

I saw the slimy wretch sucking onto a fish
I asked him his name and in a wheezy voice
He said "Lamprey"
La-la-la-la lamprey

Now I've been around but I ain't never seen
A thing that looks like a tube sock but it's wrinkled and green
Oh my lamprey....

It continues, but I lost/forgot the rest of the words.

[Occhidiangela]

I am sure all the leathernecks in the audience will have heard this before.


"God Is Dead"

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that
there is no God. He said, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give
you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,”Here I am, God. I’m still waiting.” He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine replied, “God was busy; He sent me. Semper Fi.”


Of course, that makes me wonder about how an athiest Marine would handle all that, though I have heard that there are no athiests in foxholes . . .

[Bob]

Some soldiers are walking through a forest when they come to a clearing, and in the middle of the clearing is this tree which is covered in bacon and gammon & the like.
Well, naturally suprised by such an occourence, they go back to back to report to the CO.
"Well, sir, we found this tree with bacon and gammon, and pork chops and stuff on it."
"That ain't no tree" replies the CO, "that's an 'ambush"

-Bob

[swirly]

A joke with a bit of the same style to it. (copied from an IM a friend sent me)


a congregation decided to paint their church.

they painted and painted and when they got about half way done they realized they weren't going to have enough paint to finish. so they added some water to the paint and finished the job.

as soon as they finished the sky opened up and rain poured down washing away all the paint. then a voice boomed from the heavens which said........

Repaint! and thin no more!

[swirly]

Another one from that same friend of mine:

"(This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.
It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.)
*************************
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in
the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing
trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will
have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420
and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever."

[Occhidiangela]

That was good. :)

[Yrrek]

That has to be the most clever ad I have ever seen! :lol: :D

[Occhidiangela]

Everyone seems to be wondering why some young Muslims are so quick to commit suicide as human bombs.

Let's see now:

No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

More than one wife.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas. (Occhinote: that last I could live with for sure.)

That stinking checkpoint to get to and from work, if you can find it.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. Not much water available for a shower to wash off the
smell of donkey cooked over burning dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, except in private, and then there is the probllem of dental hygene. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then, the wise men you trust tell you that when you die as a martyr, it all gets better!

IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ?

[Occhidiangela]

Bush and the Pope

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac... sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Pres Bush waves them off, saying “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

Pres Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water (he knows whee the rocks are) and walks out to the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back across the water (at least CIA knew where those rocks were . . .) to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats on the Hill, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, the New York Times, CNN, NPR, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is “Bush Can’t Swim.”



A few years back, I saw this same joke is a different form:

Pres Clinton has just come off of the witness stand in re "is" and "not having sex with that woman" bit Stories of Mrs Clinton's understandable upset with him, over infidelity and fellation, and the papers abound with snippets of flying lamps and ashtrays in the White House private quarters.

The next day, Rush Limbaugh reports on his talk radio show that "The President is so inept he Can't Get Laid."

[Crab~Nebula]

I like the quick jokes....

Two guys walk into a bar...
3rd guy ducks....

*Rim shot*

Save a tree: Eat a beaver

*Rim shot*

Why don't homo's suck off clowns?
They taste funny!

*rim shot*

I'll post more when I can think of some!

[--Pete]

Hi,

Recent events at our house brought this oldie to mind. From the net, enjoy.

Petey was a snake only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his Mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit, if you must hiss go outside the pit to hiss". So Petey went out side the pit to hiss. Petey was having fun hissing around when he leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard him hiss in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit".

So Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss, but Mrs. Pott wasn't home so he hissed and hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said "Petey if you must hiss in a pit go home and hiss in your own pit".

This made Petey very sad and he cried all the way home. When his mother saw him crying she asked "what's the matter Petey".

"I went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss but when she came home and found me hissing in her pit and told me to go home and hiss in my own pit".

This made Petey's mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old lady, I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in"

--Pete