A joke or two

[Occhidiangela]

In the Fighter pilot world, there is an old saying that there were two kinds of fighter pilots:

Those who have ejected, and those who will.

[Crystalion]

Not to pervert this "off-topic" thread, but I found this pretty funny...
Amazon Basin Diablo "couldn't sleep" weird ideas post

[Jeunemaitre]

Borrowed from a friend:

A pirate walked into a bar, settled into a stool and ordered a pint. After his 2nd, the bartender noticed a small ship's wheel poking it's way up above the pirate’s belt-line. The bartender didn't say anything at first, being disinclined to start anything with a cut-throat such as this. After the 3rd round for this bloke, the bartender decided that his patron was sufficiently softened up, so he said to the pirate:

"Beggin' yer pardon mate, but I noticed the helm wheel you got stuffed in yer pants. What's the meanin' of that, then?"
The pirate set down his mug, wiped the foam from his beard thoughtfully, and replied in a pained tone:
"Arr, it drives me nuts"

[Occhidiangela]

1. Heidi Fleiss
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Senator Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

WHY, YOU ASK? well...

1. Heidi is a hooker
2. O. J. is a slicer
3. Ted cant drive over the water . . .AND . . .
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last.






(Real life comment: Bill Clinton cheats at Golf. He is apparently both a duffer and a non rules follower. Golf Magazine article "18 holes with Bill Clinton" as evidence.)

[Lelorinel]

Just one more reason to hate clinton.

So a warrior walks into a bar, the rouge jumps over it and the sorceror teleports right through it.

[TaiDaishar]

What's the difference between a man falling from the 20th floor from a man falling from the 2nd floor?

The man from the 20th floor screams: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" BOOM.

The man from the 2nd floor screams: BOOM "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".

Lame, I know, old I know, but it's worth a try.

[Lord_Olf]

OK, one of my favourites:

A biker is stranded on a small island with nothing but a single palm tree on it. He's been there for ten years, eating nothing but coconuts, drinking nothing but coconut milk.
One day, he sees something in the distance, but he is not sure what it might be. "Maybe it's a ship", he says to himself, "let's take another look when it comes closer."
He waits for a time, but he still is not sure what he sees. "Maybe it's a float", he thinks, "I'll just wait 'til it gets here."
He waits, and the strange apparition comes closer, until he is able to tell that it's bubbles in the water. While the biker is still wondering, a beatiful blonde in scuba gear gets out of the water, removing her mask and mouthpiece, she walks up to him, smiling.
"Hey, when was the last time you had a whiskey?" she asks him. "Well, if been stranded here for ten years, that's when I had my last whiskey". Out of a waterproof bag, she takes a small bottle of whiskey and hands it to the biker. "Ahhhh," he says, after taking a long pull at the bottle. "I can't tell you how I have been missing this!"
"And when was the last time you had a cigarette?" she asks. "Well," the biker replies, "as I said, been stranded here for ten years." Out of the bag, she hands him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. After taking his first pull at the cigarette, the biker smiles and says "Wow, it's so good to have a cigarette again..."
The woman smiles, and begins, slowly and lasciviously, to open the long zipper of her wetsuit. "And when was the time you had some real fun?" she asks.
The biker gets really excited, jumping up and down like a school boy. "Now you don't wanna tell me", he yells excitedly, "that you have a motorbike in there !?!?!"

[Grayloch]

...of another biker joke:

A truck driver is settling down for lunch at a truck stop when a motorcycle gang arrives and enters the diner. They see the trucker sitting there and decide to have some fun with him.

The trucker’s lunch arrives and he reaches for his bowl of soup. Before he can touch it, one of the bikers tips the entire bowl into the trucker’s lap. All the bikers have a good laugh.

The trucker appears unfazed. He reaches for his sandwich, but another biker grabs it first and smears the contents of it all over the trucker’s shirt. The bikers have another laugh.

Remaining calm, the trucker reaches for his cup of coffee. Once more, a biker grabs it first and tips the hot coffee all over the trucker’s head.

With his lunch ruined, the trucker still shows no reaction. Without a word he stands up, leaves some money on the table, exits the diner, and gets back in his truck.

The bikers laugh uproariously. As the waitress comes over to collect the money, one of the bikers turns to her and says, “That trucker sure wasn’t much of a man, was he?”

The waitress glances out the window. “Seems he’s not much of a driver, either,” she replies. “He just ran over an entire row of motorcycles.”

-G.

[Occhidiangela]

A priest and a Rabbi are old friends who go fishing every Tuesday together. One fine Tuesday, Rabbi Herschel asks Father Connor what his ambitions are.

"Well," says the priest, "I think if I do well I could be a bishop, and boy, would that ever be a wonderful challenge to rise to in the Lord's service."

"That's nice," says the Rabbi, "but could you go further?"

"I suppose," Father Connor replies, "that if I were a good bishop, and I got a few breaks, I could become archbishop. There's a different kind of challenge, looking after so many of God's children."

"Aye, a hard job indeed," says Herschel, "but is that as far as you think you could go?"

"Herschel, you know me," replies Connor, "I am not politically inclined, but I suppose that if I put my heart into it and got the Lord's blessing, I could become a Cardinal. My, my, the responsibility! Electing the next Pope, agreeing on Church doctrine with all of the change in the world. That'd be a real challenge."

"Great demands are put on great men, my old friend," says Rabbi Herschel, "But do you think you could go any further than that?"

"What? Me, the Pope? Well, I doubt I'd be elected, were I to be Cardinal, but yes, if some angel dropped some luck on me, I suppose I could be the Pope: though I doubt it would ever occur, ya see, I am not Eye Talian."

"Be that as it may, Connor, that nice Polish priest made it. Who knows, maybe you could too!"

"Herschel, come on, we are chasing moonbeams here. Let's get back to fishing."

They fish for a bit, and the Rabbi asks:

"Father Connor, if you were the Pope, is that really as far as you could go?"

"As far as a priest can go? Rabbi Herschel, old friend, why, the next step is to be Jesus Christ himself!"

Rabbi Herschel grins and says: "One of our boys made it!"

[--Pete]

--Pete

[Yrrek]

What do you do with an elephant that has 3 balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[Grayloch]

Why does an elephant have four feet?

'Cause he'd look pretty stupid with only four inches.

[Grayloch]

I honestly couldn't say, never having watched that movie. I first heard the joke from a friend of mine a few years ago. It's one of the few I can seem to remember. :P

-G.

[Artega]

A man walks into a fine restaraunt, along with an ostrich and a tabby cat. The man orders a New York Strip, a rare wine, and plenty of other expensive food. Upon receiving the bill, the cat loudly cries out "I'm not paying for that!"

The man then reached into his pocket, pulled out exact change, paid his bill, and left. He returns multiple times that week, each time ordering something different, but no less expensive.

At some point along this pattern, one of the waiters asks the man how he can always manage to have exact change for the bill, as well as about his two companions.

"Well," the man says, "I found a magical lamp - genie, three wishes, the whole nine yards."

"And what were your wishes?" asked the waiter.

"Well, my first wish was to be able to reach into my pocket and always have exact change for my expenses," replied the man.

"What an excellent idea!" exclaimed the waiter. "What were your other two wishes?"

"Well, see, that's where I screwed up: I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

Not exactly the best joke for my "grand" return to the Lounge, but it's the best I could come up with on short notice.

[Bob]

A panda walks into a restaurant.

Orders and consumes his meal, just like everyone else. Then as he's about to go, the waiter comes up to him:
"excuse me sir, you've not paid your bill"

The panda draw a gun and shoots the waiter!

The manager of the retaurant, hearing the gunfire, runs out, "Oi !, what do you think your doing? you can't go around killing my waiters. You haven't paid your bill either!"

"Yes I can"

"No you can't"

"yes I can, read a dictionary, it says that I can"

With this the panda walks out.

The manager, miffed, goes and gets his dictionary and turns to panda:

"Panda:
n. eats shoots and leaves"

-Bob

[ZatarRufus]

A guy was sitting quietly reading when his wife walked up from behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[Nomad25055]

A newly married couple were traveling down a cobblestone road in a horse drawn buggy, and the wife was looking around enjoying the scenery when the horse slips and falls, the husband says "Thats 1". The wife gets a curious look on her face as the horse gets up. They resume the trip down the road and a few minutes later the horse slips and falls again, the husband says "Thats 2". The wife gets another curious look on her face and wonders whats going on but doesn't say anything. The horse gets up and she notices a very determined yet slightly worried look on it's face and they resume the trip once more. About 10 minutes later the horse slips and falls yet again, and the husband says "Alright thats 3", the horse gets an extremely scared look on it's face. The man hops down from the buggy and gets out his pistol and shoots the horse in the head. The wife jumps down and and says "What did you do that for? The horse was doing as good as it could and all you could do was kill the poor animal!!!" The husband says "Thats 1". -Nomad25055 B)

[NeoLunar]

A man got a new job of driving a taxi.

It was his first day, and he got his first passenger very early. The passenger tells him the destination, and he drives towards it. Then , when they pass MacDonalds, his passenger taps him on the back, and the driver suddenly swerves and almost hits a tree. The passenger was shocked and told him that she only wanted to go and buy something for her son at Mickey D's. So she did, and they continued to her destination. Then, she tapped him again, as she wanted to buy something else from Subway. This time, the driver swerves all the way into the gutter.

"What in the world is wrong with you?" The lady passenger asked.

"Sorry, but my previous profession is a hearse-driver" was the reply.

Lame...

[[wcip]Angel]

This is more of a riddle than a joke, but it's the only one I now:

Question: "How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Answer: "Fish."

[Grayloch]

Q: How does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He simply declares darkness to be the new industry standard.

-G.