A joke or two

[Occhidiangela]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi, I hate drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The man behind the welfare desk says "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says "You're pulling my leg!"
The welfare clerk says "Yeah, well, you started it."
=====================================================
=====================================================

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly
gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that
I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof*, she's gone.

The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof*, she's gone.

The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St.Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a
bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper. He hands it back to her and says...."No Sister, this headline says "Sahara Pipeline, laid by 2,300 men in 6 months.
======================================================

A termite walks into a saloon and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

[Doc]

A Catholic Priest, a SoBap, and a TV Preacher hold a charity event and afterward, are arguing how to split the money.

The Catholic Priest says "50/50. Half for us, half for God."

The SoBap says "We should not invest directly into the church. Instead, let us invest in the Church's political future. We should find a politician who will work with us and use the money to encourage him to work for God."

The TV Preacher looks as if he has bitten into a lemon. "Hell, I say we throw the money up into the air and whatever God wants, he'll keep."

[dudearonymus_32]

The captain of a cruise ship hires a magician to entertain the passengers during the cruise. Everyone loves the magician except for the captain's talking parrot, every time the magician does a trick, the parrot will yell out "He's hiding it in his hair!" or "I saw him put it up his sleeve,".

Then one day the cruise ship sinks, taking all the passengers and crew with it, except for the talking parrot and the magician. The two drift along on a piece of wood for days and days without talking. Finally, on the fourth day the parrot says, "Alright I give up, where's the ship?"

[DeeBye]

A church has an opening for a bell ringer. The priest puts out a sign, and quickly gets his first applicant. The priest looks him over and says, "I don't mean to be rude or anything, but how do you propose to ring our church bells when you have no arms?"

The man replies, "I am confident that I can do the job as well as any other man!"

The priest, willing to give him a shot, leads him up to the belfry. He turns to the man and says, "Well, let's hear you ring the bell. Remember, it must be loud."

The man walks up the the large bell, leans back, and strikes it with his head.

bong!

"That's not bad," says the priest "but it needs to be louder than that. Can you hit it any harder?"

The man takes a step back and thrusts his head forward as hard as he can.

BONG!

"Wow! That was a lot better," says the priest "but it's not quite loud enough."

The man walks as far away from the bell as he can, sets himself, and runs headlong towards the bell. When he nears it, he takes a headfirst leap into the air.

And promptly flies past the bell and out the window, plunging to his death.

An ambulance is called, and police start asking the priest questions about the death.

The detective asks, "Do you know who this man is?"

The priest replies, "Well, I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

[ShadowHM]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was
going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves
were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they
had while making the toys. The reindeer had been playing their
reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired. To make
matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier
in the day and had crashed it into a tree.


Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions
of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my
reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don't even
have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out
HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am
I going to do?"


Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in
from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says,
"Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"


And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came
to pass...

[Count Duckula]

I finally managed to find a copy of this song, I immediately thought of Battle.net after listening to it again, scrambled to find the lyrics, and wrote this. Please don't take this seriously--it wasn't meant to be.

(with apologies to Denis Leary)

(gentle guitar, followed by spoken:)
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about Blizzard Entertainment. About me. About you. How our greedy little paws get on everything in sight. About the righteous feeling way down in our souls, maybe under the souls, maybe even the little red crystal poking out of our foreheads. Maybe in our hearts, maybe in our guts. Maybe even in other--lower--parts, I wouldn't know.

I'm just an average geek doing average work
I'm your everyday cybercultural jerk
I like newsgroups and hentai and posts about farts
I've got a great little laptop that's state of the art
My N64, my DVD player
Windows 2003, and my new popup slayer

But sometimes that isn't enough to keep someone like me entertained
(No no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta log on and have fun
At other people's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I lag really slow in a cow-killing game
and claim the cheaters are really to blame

I'm a newbie (She's a newbie, what a newbie)
I'm a newbie (She's a newbie, such a newbie)

I join unique trades and offer nothing but chips
I walk around Arcane Sanctuary with nothing to equip

I'm a newbie (She's a newbie, what a newbie)
I'm a newbie (She's the world's biggest newbie)

Sometimes I pk in hardcore-type games
hearing hardcore-type folks calling hardcore-type names

I'm a newbie (She's a newbie, what a newbie)
I'm a newbie (She's a real f*ing newbie)

Maybe I should read the manual first
And come back when I'm in singleplayer versed
'Cause right now my battle.net skills are the worst

(Naaaah!)

I'm a newbie (She's a newbie, what a newbie)
I'm a newbie (She's the world's biggest newbie)

(spoken)

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna build me a level 94 fire wall/frozen orb sorceress, tricked out with white rings and occy helmets and 4000% magic find skimpy lingerie, yeah! And I'm gonna take that little princess into all the cow runs I can find, teleporting around like crazy and stealing all the good drops and leading big packs of cows on massacre missions and when I'm done filleting everyone else in the game I'm gonna paste the Cow King all over that little wooden castle of his then crash everybody out of the game and there ain't a damned thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because I got the itamz, that's why. Two words. 1337 f*ing itamz, okay?! The Basin, the Lounge, dii.net, they can have all the fairness and legitimacy they want. They can have a big legitimacy hoedown right on Blizzard HQ's front lawn and it won't make a scrap of difference because I got the itamz, okay?! Bobafett ain't dead, he's inactive. And as soon as we find out where he's hiding we're gonna rip off his trainer and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever died to a naked mage? Multiply that by fifteen million times and that's how pissed off Bobafett's gonna be. I'm gonna get him and a couple trolls...

(Hey)

and INFERNO

(Hey)

and a few public battle.net channels

(Hey)

and a hacked CD-key and a B.net admin ID...

(Hey, you know you really are a newbie)

Why don't you just shut up and sing the song!

I'm a newbie (She's a newbie, what a newbie)
I'm a newbie (She's the world's biggest newbie)

N-E-double U-B-I-E Everybody! N-E-double U-B-I-E

(barking)
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Soo! A shooka shoo! A shooka shoo! A shooka shoo!
Oooh Oooh! Oooh Oooh! Oooh Oooh! Oooh Oooh!

(spoken
I'm a newbie and I'm proud of it!

[Kasreyn]

no text

[DeeBye]

Hilarious!

-DeeBye

[WarLocke]

An oldie but goodie:


St. Peter stands at the Pearly Gates, listening to each soul's story of their last moments in life and deciding whether they're fit to enter Heaven or not. This day is much like any other, until one particularly morose soul reaches the front of the line.

"Hail, poor soul, what troubles thee?" St. Peter asks the man.

"Oh, this is all a mistake!" the man replies. "I can't be dead! I had suspected that my wife was having an affair, so I came home early. When I entered our apartment and saw her lying in bed, wearing lingerie at three in the afternoon, I knew I had been right! I tore through our apartment, looking for the SOB who was sleeping with my wife, but I couldn't find him. But, just then I heard the building's front door opening. I had never seen the man exiting before, so he must have been the SOB! So I ran to the kitchen, hauled the refrigerator to the window, and dropped it on his head. Unfortunately, the refrigerator's power cord caught around my ankle and dragged me out with it."

St. Peter considers the man's story, and eventually decides to let him into Heaven.

The next man approaches, and St. Peter asks him about his last moments.

"Idunno, man," he says. "I was just visiting my mother - she has the cancer, you know? And as I left her apartment, something heavy hit me - BAM- like that."

St. Peter clucks at this, not being a believer of coincidences, but lets the man into Heaven.

A third man approaches, and St. Peter asks him how he came to be there.

The man looks down and says, "Well, I was hiding in this refrigerator, see..."

[Occhidiangela]

I was laughing out loud.

No Cure For Cancer is one of my favorite CD's of all time. I usually have it playing when I work in the garage, unless my son is helping me. (The missus thinks he could use a few years before he gets inundated with Captain Cynical.)

Ducky, that was truly beautiful.

"If they made a brand of cigarettes called Tumors, and had a skull and crossbones on the packgae, we'd still go out an by them!"

[Occhidiangela]

A very attractive woman walks up to the bar in a posh saloon. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his face.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his face and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, nor paper towels in the ladies room."

=========================================================

The Madam opened the brothel's front door to see a slick looking, well-dressed,
middle-age gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, Madam, I must see Natalie," replied the man gently but firmly.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.

Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end she questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a
row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."



The moral of this sordid tale?
Some things in life are certain: taxes, death, and being screwed by an attorney.

[aaa]

A Mushroom walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

*rim shot*

Two guys walk into a bar.
Third guy ducked.

*rim shot*

A minister, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What is this some kind of joke?"

*rim shot*



Ahh, err, I think I ran out of quick/bad jokes...

*rim shot*

[Orbert]

At a recent scientists' convention, the featured speaker announced that he had invented a bra which would stop breasts from jiggling as the wearer jogged, ran, etc., and furthermore would prevent "points" in chilly weather.

The others dragged him off stage and beat the **** out of him.

[Occhidiangela]

It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.

Landing on a carrier ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great.

Landing on a carrier at night is like a trip to the dentist: you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good s---. A night carrier landing is an opportunity to experience all three at the same time.

Unknown landing signal officer to a carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing.
"You've got to land here, son, this is where the food is."

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. " A DC-9 captain trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' A-320.

An FAA check ride ought to be like a skirt: short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

A "GOOD" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "GREAT" landing is one after which you can use the airplane again

It only takes three things to fly: airspeed, lift, and money.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

If it doesn't work, rename it. If that doesn't help, the new name isn't
long enough.

From a letter home: "Please don't tell Mum I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a
whorehouse."

Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

If it's ugly, it's British; if it's weird, it's French; and if it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

New FAA motto: We're not happy until you're not happy. (NTSA has that engraved on its founding documents.)

A copilot is a knot head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 2 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

"I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale." Pilot to copilot on a Southwest Airlines Flight to San Diego on fine evening.

Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it. \
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.
4. Pull stick back, buildings get small. Push sticks forward, building get big. You are right side up, and still flying.
5. Pull stick back, buildings get larger: YOU ARE UPSIDE DOWN. Dont Try to land until you have rolled right side up!

Helicopters don't so much fly as they beat the air into submission.

Welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain. "Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do. "

Blonde Helicopter Pilot Joke

A very "blonde" pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."

[BlackLightning]

Epale,
I think I've heard of that newbie song before, with the same kind of rhythm and stuff, but it was on Comedy Central and was called the A**-Hole song. I think it had John Wayne in it instead of Bobba Fett. It's still bloody funny regardless. Thanks for posting it!

Anyway,
-What do you call a Cuban in a red Corvette?
-Grand Theft Auto

-The president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez (you guys might know him from the news), gets invited to a high-ranking officer's house for dinner. When he sits down, his wife says "Look Hugo, the cutlery here is pure silver! Steal some and put it in your left jacket pocket!" So carefully, Mr. Chavez takes a few silver forks, knives and spoons and puts them into his left jacket pocket.
All the while, the officer's wife notices this happening, and tells her husband. Upon hearing this, the officer stands up and says "Hey everybody! I can do magic! Let me show you!" He picks up a silver knife, fork and spoon, and puts them all in his left jacket pocket. Then he says "So now Mr. Chavez, if you look in your left jacket pocket, you'll find that they're all there!"

Let me think of some more, and I'll get back to you guys.

[Griselda]

-What do you call a Cuban in a red Corvette?
-Grand Theft Auto

Please, let's not post any "insert nationality here" jokes.

-Griselda

[Doc]

I reserve the right to make fun of all Elbonians.

[NiteFox]

A little girl was reading on an airplane when the man beside her noticed her storybook, entitled "Jonah and the Whale."

The man thought he would see if the little girl believed the story about Jonah.

So, after saying ''Hi"' to the girl, he asked her to tell him about the book she was holding.

The girl said the book was about Jonah, and how he was swallowed by a whale.

The man asked, "Do you believe that really happened?"

The little girl replied, "Yes, I believe the story of Jonah is true."

"You mean you really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and okay?"

She said, "Absolutely -- this story is in the Bible and we studied it in Sunday school today!"

Then the man asked, "How can you prove that the story about Jonah is true?"

She thought for a moment, and then said, "When I get to heaven I'll ask Jonah."

The man then asked, "What if Jonah's NOT in heaven?"

She put her hands on her little waist, and sternly said, "Then I guess YOU can ask him!"

[pakman]

Three engineer were arguing over what kind of engineer God must be.

The structural engineer said, "God must be a structural engineer, I mean, look at the bone system, the pressures it can withstand, the stresses. God MUST be a structural engineer."

Then the electrical engineer piped up. "God must be an electrical engineer. Take a look at the nervous system. All the electrical impulses, the brain and neurons..all related with electricity. God MUST be and electrical engineer.

The third engineer was a civil. He had just been quiet and watching the argument when he decided to say, "No, no, no. You guys are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would locate a waste facility in the same place as a pleasure center?"

ba dum da chhhhh..

[Walkiry]

A friend of my father, pilot he is, once told me: "There are two kinds of pilots, those who have landed without landing gear, and those who will".