A Freebie Worthy of Deebye

[ShadowHM]

How old were you when you met your present husband?  If you were in your early 20's, how did you know you were making the right choice?  If you got married later, say your late 20's or early 30's, you probably had a better idea of what you were looking for.  25 years is a long time to commit to someone, and I applaud you for it.  However, not all marriages are like yours, I'm sure.  That is why I think that it is a great idea for people to date others in order to find that one person that they can spend the rest of their lives with.  That is how people are supposed to determine whether or not they are compatible, not by having pre-marital sex.  Call me old-fashioned, but if more people actually did that, we would definitely see fewer divorces.  This is something that I believe very strongly in.
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My 'present' husband is the only husband I have had. :)

I met him when I was 18. We were both dating others at the time, but remained part of the same social circle and developed a friendship.

We started 'dating' (including a sexual relationship) when I was 23. We moved to co-habitation when I was 25. We legally married when I was 30, because we were ready to have children together. As you can see, we took our time about making committments, because we were concerned about the long run. I didn't commit to 25 years. I committed to life - with him.

But back to the topic:

I am really bemused by your notion of 'dating'.

That is how people are supposed to determine whether or not they are compatible, not by having pre-marital sex.

Either you flat out disagree (on what grounds you are not specific) with my contention that sexual compatibility is part of a good marriage, or you didn't read what I wrote the first time. You will note that I am not suggesting that it is the only consideration.



The high divorce rate today is due to many reasons. First of all, people now do have the ability to legally leave a marriage. That has saved many from living hells.

Second, we no longer live in anything like the environment where our notions of marriage evolved. People used to live in close proximity to extended family. That part of the ceremony where the witnesses vowed to aid the couple was important. It meant that there was a support system for helping work out problems. Now we (generally) live in nuclear families that are far from extended family. We have to hire marriage councillors instead of consulting 'Aunt Maggie' and 'Uncle Frank', or parents or grandparents. Heck, in many cases we don't even really know our spouse's extended family at all.

Third, there remains this fairy tale notion that marriage is a 'happily ever after' thing. No matter how much you love someone, you are going to disagree at times. And you have to spend energy on working it through. You have to compromise. You have to *gasp* work at it. A lot of marriages go bad because people don't spend that time and energy. They merely bail out instead.

You will note the absence of pre-marital sex from my list. It is deliberate.

I won't call you old fashioned. I will call you naive and overly idealistic, as opposed to realistic. :)

(Brief tangent: You mentioned your concern at seeing your nieces get pregnant, blaming pre-marital sex. I think you are making a mistake - blame the ignorance that prevented them from using contraceptives. We have the technology; we need to make sure that people use it, and make procreation a deliberate act.)