[Act One: In Tristram. Deckard Cain is a Mystic of the Brotherhood of the Horadrim. While he is visiting a neighbor -- Ogden the Innkeeper -- both notice a particularly inept warrior wandering about the town of Tristram. Ogden challenges Cain to take this ordinary lug and turn him into an accomplished warrior worthy of the ranks of the LL regulars. Sung to: "Why Can't the English Teach their Children how to Speak?"]
(Cain):
Why can't the Warriors who are newbies learn to sneak?
Spellcasters know their spelling
The rogues know how to thieve.
A monk can fight bare-handed while Barbarians they sweep!
Oh why can't a Newbie, learn . . . to . . . sneak?
Why can't the Warriors who are newbies learn to sneak?
The Mages make their gestures
The Rogues have happy feet.
A Warr-ior he stands as if imbedded in concrete!
Oh why can't a Newbie, learn . . . to. . . sneak?
Why can't the Warriors who are newbies learn to sneak?
This blunder in the dungeon
Is sure to end in grief.
In scouting without rousing foes you try to be discrete!
Oh why can't a Newbie. . . (echo)
Why can't a Newbie. . . (echo)
WHY can't a Newbie,
Learn. . . to . . .sneak?
[Act Two: inside the Church of Tristram. Our hero -- Newby Waryor -- has ventured into the dungeon and begun exploring. Although he slogs along heartily, he soon finds some strong bosses and such. Sung to "Wouldn't It be Loverly"]
(Newby Waryor:)
All I want is to find the stairs
Free of foes on both ground and air
No rats -- no bats -- no scares!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
ID scrolls dropping at my feet
No ranged foes forcing me to flee.
A sword that was unique!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Oh, so, cleverly luring hordes of foes to certain doom.
Then crack barrels, open chests
Until it's an empty room!
Find a shrine that would boost a stat
Cop a drop -- Yes! A golden hat!
Blood fount, imagine that!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Upgrade slots on both bod and head,
Find a shield when my buckler's red!
Use blunts against Undead!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly!
Oh, cold-, bloodily hewing through the ranks of demons vile,
I would never stop until
Their heads made a little pile!
Something dead lying on the floor,
Taunting foes "Hey, you want some more?"
All this from a safe door!
Oh would.....n't .....it.....,
be loverly?
(Chorus of dead creatures): Loverly?
Newby: Loverly!
(Dead): Loverly.
All: Loverly.
[Act Three: The Catacombs. Although Newby Waryor is finding the going tough, heâs put words of wisdom to use in adding to his Dexterity first to increasing blocking, to hit, and AC. Sung to: "With a Little Bit O' Luck"]
(Newby Waryor):
The Gaming Gods gave warriors vital'ty,
so they could take big hits and still not shirk,
The Gaming Gods gave warriors vital'ty, YET
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a shield and Dex you wonât get hurt!
(Chorus of Catacombs Creatures): With a little bit! With a little bit! With a little bit, of Dex you won't get hurt! (Bum-bum-bum-bum!) With a little bit! With a little bit! With a little bit o' bloomin' Dex!
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some great strength,
so they could use big weapons that would stun,
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some great strength, YET
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a shield and Dex the work gets done!
(Chorus again)
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some magic,
So they could cast some spells that truly thrilled!
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some magic, YET
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a shield and Dex you won't get killed!
(Chorus again)
[Act Four: Eventually Newby makes it to Caves, where he finds the going much rougher. He finally breaks down and asks a young rogue to join him in his quest. He soon finds out this was a bad idea, but lives to sing about it. Sung to: "An Ordinary Man"]
(Newby Waryor):
Don't let a young rogue in your life!
Or your carefree days are gone!
She'll redecorate your chest!
Arrows hanging from your vest!
And sheâll chatter what's the matter don't just stand there plucking arrows Iâve moved on!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Or your every move you'll rue!
First she'll say the path is safe,
When you move she'll start to strafe,
Doesn't matter if they're scattered they'll still fly in sky high numbers hitting you!
You want to talk of sets and choke points, she only wants to run and gun,
You try to hold a gate or corner, and take an arrow in the bun!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Or you won't level anew!
She'll go hogging all the foes,
Finding bigger better bows,
Then she'll wonder why you blunder fighting beasts at least five levels over you!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Or your security is through!
Off to scout she'll quickly trot,
Bringing foes back by the lot!
Then she'll run past turn and gun fast and you'll find your sore behind sprouts something new!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Don't let a young rogue in your life!
I will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER,
Let. . . .a . . . young rogue . . . in my life!
[Newby Waryor expels Yhung Rhogue, who slinks away and sings "Just You Wait, Newby Waryor". Newby continues to Hell; Rhogue pauses, then quietly follows.]
***** Short intermission *****
[Act Five: Hell. Although Newby Waryor has forbidden Yhung Rhogue from accompanying him, she still trails at a distance. They reconcile after dispatching the Warlord of Blood together. Sung to "The Rain in Spain"]
(Newby Waryor): Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
(Yhung Rhogue): This mortal plane. This mortal plane.
(Newby Waryor): Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
(Yhung Rhogue): This mortal plane. This mortal plane.
Rhogue: Now once again, what was this reign?
Waryor: Of pain! Of pain!
Rhogue: And where'd you end that reign?
Waryor: This plane! This plane!
Both: Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Rhogue: Now once again, what was this reign?
Waryor: Of pain! Of pain!
Rhogue: And where's that blasted reign?
Waryor: This plane! This plane!
Both: Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Ole! Ha-ha! Ole! (They dance. More oles.)
[Act Six: Outside the Laz Chamber. Eventually both Newby and Yhung make it to the Laz Chamber. Although it's late and he's tired, he's pumped from his previous Hell levels and ready to take on Laz and his minions. Sung to, "I Could Have Danced All Night"]
(Newby Waryor):
I could have hacked all night,
Laid down the smack all night,
And still have begged for more!
I could have stabbed and bashed,
I could have cut and slashed,
And killed them by the score!
I'll never know what made it so exciting,
Why all at once, their heads took flight!
I only know that when, they started losing limbs,
I could have hacked, hacked, hacked,
All night!
(Repeat as duet, Newby and Yhung)
(Repeat again, duet)
[Act Seven: Hell Sixteen. Newby and Yhung make it to level sixteen for the grand finale. One last song prior to finishing off Diablo and curtain call. Sung to "I'm Getting Married in the Morning"]
(Newby):
I'm killing Demons without warning!
Crash! Bash! The fur is gonna fly!
Break out the Cudgel!
Let's start the struggle!
But get the Demon Lord to die!
I'm gonna do the deed this morning,
Belt full and inventory primed!
Big reds are dandy,
Small reds still handy,
But get the Demon Lord to die!
If he is pausing, give him a nudge.
I'm staying in this corner, I won't budge!
I'll kill Diablo in the morning
Repaired my armors all is fine!
Break out the big gun,
Take on the big one,
And get the Demon Lord to die!
I'm killing Demons that are swarming,
Buff-ing my chance to hit sky high!
Forget resistance,
Pump Dex, to hit chance!
And get the Demon Lord to die!
If I look naked, I just don't care!
A robe of precision's what I wear!
I'm gonna do the deed this morning,
Stop all the knockback every time!
Backed in a corner,
Just like Jack Horner!
And get the Demon Lord to die!
I'll kill Diablo in the morning,
Block each Apoc he might let fly!
AC is useless,
Axe is a nuisance.
But get the Demon Lord. . .
(All): Get that Demon Lord!
For God's sake get that Demon Lord . . .to . . . die!
[Diablo expires. Newbie Waryor takes soulstone and throws it to crowd. Curtain falls; curtain calls. Final curtain falls.]
The End (Whew!)
(Cain):
Why can't the Warriors who are newbies learn to sneak?
Spellcasters know their spelling
The rogues know how to thieve.
A monk can fight bare-handed while Barbarians they sweep!
Oh why can't a Newbie, learn . . . to . . . sneak?
Why can't the Warriors who are newbies learn to sneak?
The Mages make their gestures
The Rogues have happy feet.
A Warr-ior he stands as if imbedded in concrete!
Oh why can't a Newbie, learn . . . to. . . sneak?
Why can't the Warriors who are newbies learn to sneak?
This blunder in the dungeon
Is sure to end in grief.
In scouting without rousing foes you try to be discrete!
Oh why can't a Newbie. . . (echo)
Why can't a Newbie. . . (echo)
WHY can't a Newbie,
Learn. . . to . . .sneak?
[Act Two: inside the Church of Tristram. Our hero -- Newby Waryor -- has ventured into the dungeon and begun exploring. Although he slogs along heartily, he soon finds some strong bosses and such. Sung to "Wouldn't It be Loverly"]
(Newby Waryor:)
All I want is to find the stairs
Free of foes on both ground and air
No rats -- no bats -- no scares!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
ID scrolls dropping at my feet
No ranged foes forcing me to flee.
A sword that was unique!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Oh, so, cleverly luring hordes of foes to certain doom.
Then crack barrels, open chests
Until it's an empty room!
Find a shrine that would boost a stat
Cop a drop -- Yes! A golden hat!
Blood fount, imagine that!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly?
Upgrade slots on both bod and head,
Find a shield when my buckler's red!
Use blunts against Undead!
Oh wouldn't it be loverly!
Oh, cold-, bloodily hewing through the ranks of demons vile,
I would never stop until
Their heads made a little pile!
Something dead lying on the floor,
Taunting foes "Hey, you want some more?"
All this from a safe door!
Oh would.....n't .....it.....,
be loverly?
(Chorus of dead creatures): Loverly?
Newby: Loverly!
(Dead): Loverly.
All: Loverly.
[Act Three: The Catacombs. Although Newby Waryor is finding the going tough, heâs put words of wisdom to use in adding to his Dexterity first to increasing blocking, to hit, and AC. Sung to: "With a Little Bit O' Luck"]
(Newby Waryor):
The Gaming Gods gave warriors vital'ty,
so they could take big hits and still not shirk,
The Gaming Gods gave warriors vital'ty, YET
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a shield and Dex you wonât get hurt!
(Chorus of Catacombs Creatures): With a little bit! With a little bit! With a little bit, of Dex you won't get hurt! (Bum-bum-bum-bum!) With a little bit! With a little bit! With a little bit o' bloomin' Dex!
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some great strength,
so they could use big weapons that would stun,
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some great strength, YET
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a shield and Dex the work gets done!
(Chorus again)
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some magic,
So they could cast some spells that truly thrilled!
The Gaming Gods gave warriors some magic, YET
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a little bit, o' Dex
With a shield and Dex you won't get killed!
(Chorus again)
[Act Four: Eventually Newby makes it to Caves, where he finds the going much rougher. He finally breaks down and asks a young rogue to join him in his quest. He soon finds out this was a bad idea, but lives to sing about it. Sung to: "An Ordinary Man"]
(Newby Waryor):
Don't let a young rogue in your life!
Or your carefree days are gone!
She'll redecorate your chest!
Arrows hanging from your vest!
And sheâll chatter what's the matter don't just stand there plucking arrows Iâve moved on!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Or your every move you'll rue!
First she'll say the path is safe,
When you move she'll start to strafe,
Doesn't matter if they're scattered they'll still fly in sky high numbers hitting you!
You want to talk of sets and choke points, she only wants to run and gun,
You try to hold a gate or corner, and take an arrow in the bun!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Or you won't level anew!
She'll go hogging all the foes,
Finding bigger better bows,
Then she'll wonder why you blunder fighting beasts at least five levels over you!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Or your security is through!
Off to scout she'll quickly trot,
Bringing foes back by the lot!
Then she'll run past turn and gun fast and you'll find your sore behind sprouts something new!
Don't let a young rogue in your life,
Don't let a young rogue in your life!
I will never, ever, ever, ever, EVER,
Let. . . .a . . . young rogue . . . in my life!
[Newby Waryor expels Yhung Rhogue, who slinks away and sings "Just You Wait, Newby Waryor". Newby continues to Hell; Rhogue pauses, then quietly follows.]
***** Short intermission *****
[Act Five: Hell. Although Newby Waryor has forbidden Yhung Rhogue from accompanying him, she still trails at a distance. They reconcile after dispatching the Warlord of Blood together. Sung to "The Rain in Spain"]
(Newby Waryor): Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
(Yhung Rhogue): This mortal plane. This mortal plane.
(Newby Waryor): Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
(Yhung Rhogue): This mortal plane. This mortal plane.
Rhogue: Now once again, what was this reign?
Waryor: Of pain! Of pain!
Rhogue: And where'd you end that reign?
Waryor: This plane! This plane!
Both: Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Rhogue: Now once again, what was this reign?
Waryor: Of pain! Of pain!
Rhogue: And where's that blasted reign?
Waryor: This plane! This plane!
Both: Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Your reign of pain has ended on this plane!
Ole! Ha-ha! Ole! (They dance. More oles.)
[Act Six: Outside the Laz Chamber. Eventually both Newby and Yhung make it to the Laz Chamber. Although it's late and he's tired, he's pumped from his previous Hell levels and ready to take on Laz and his minions. Sung to, "I Could Have Danced All Night"]
(Newby Waryor):
I could have hacked all night,
Laid down the smack all night,
And still have begged for more!
I could have stabbed and bashed,
I could have cut and slashed,
And killed them by the score!
I'll never know what made it so exciting,
Why all at once, their heads took flight!
I only know that when, they started losing limbs,
I could have hacked, hacked, hacked,
All night!
(Repeat as duet, Newby and Yhung)
(Repeat again, duet)
[Act Seven: Hell Sixteen. Newby and Yhung make it to level sixteen for the grand finale. One last song prior to finishing off Diablo and curtain call. Sung to "I'm Getting Married in the Morning"]
(Newby):
I'm killing Demons without warning!
Crash! Bash! The fur is gonna fly!
Break out the Cudgel!
Let's start the struggle!
But get the Demon Lord to die!
I'm gonna do the deed this morning,
Belt full and inventory primed!
Big reds are dandy,
Small reds still handy,
But get the Demon Lord to die!
If he is pausing, give him a nudge.
I'm staying in this corner, I won't budge!
I'll kill Diablo in the morning
Repaired my armors all is fine!
Break out the big gun,
Take on the big one,
And get the Demon Lord to die!
I'm killing Demons that are swarming,
Buff-ing my chance to hit sky high!
Forget resistance,
Pump Dex, to hit chance!
And get the Demon Lord to die!
If I look naked, I just don't care!
A robe of precision's what I wear!
I'm gonna do the deed this morning,
Stop all the knockback every time!
Backed in a corner,
Just like Jack Horner!
And get the Demon Lord to die!
I'll kill Diablo in the morning,
Block each Apoc he might let fly!
AC is useless,
Axe is a nuisance.
But get the Demon Lord. . .
(All): Get that Demon Lord!
For God's sake get that Demon Lord . . .to . . . die!
[Diablo expires. Newbie Waryor takes soulstone and throws it to crowd. Curtain falls; curtain calls. Final curtain falls.]
The End (Whew!)
![[Image: Sabra%20gold%20copy.jpg]](http://lh4.ggpht.com/_5eP1tAQLrYk/Sekf3ggYfTI/AAAAAAAAB14/ECIStOuO58I/Sabra%20gold%20copy.jpg)