Time for some Republican humour.

[Doc]

How to behave like a good Republican.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

[Occhidiangela]

How to behave like a good Republican.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
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I had heard those two sets intersect, perhaps it is unfounded rumor.

Doc: Those aren't jokes, those are political soundbytes, and bumperstickers. (I like a few of the points underlined, however.) A joke would be more like the Houses of Congress (rim shot) or something along these lines:

"Tom DeLay; that name was not earned from his frat brothers due to his success with co-eds."

"What's the difference between Hummus and Hamas? The difference between a gut bomb and a car bomb."

"What's the difference between a neoconservative and the Tin Man? The Tin Man finally got a heart."

My favorite joke came in this morning's newspaper: a feisty little Shi'ite cleric named Sadr borrowed a GW Bush rhetorical device. He called the US, UK and Israel "The Triad of Evil." (I chuckled when I read it. :lol: ) Aping GW Bush's rhetoric style is like copying from a D student on a chemistry test.

Occhi

[Doc]

I had heard those two sets intersect, perhaps it is unfounded rumor.

Doc:  Those aren't jokes, those are political soundbytes, and bumperstickers.  (I like a few of the points underlined, however.)  A joke would be more like the Houses of Congress (rim shot) or something along these lines:

"Tom DeLay; that name was not earned from his frat brothers due to his success with co-eds."

"What's the difference between Hummus and Hamas?  The difference between a gut bomb and a car bomb."

"What's the difference between a neoconservative and the Tin Man?  The Tin Man finally got a heart."

My favorite joke came in this morning's newspaper: a feisty little Shi'ite cleric named Sadr borrowed a GW Bush rhetorical device.  He called the US, UK and Israel "The Triad of Evil."  (I chuckled when I read it.  :lol:  )  Aping GW Bush's rhetoric style is like copying from a D student on a chemistry test.

Occhi
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:lol:

Neocons and the Tin Man.

:lol:

I don't much care for Neocons. :blink:

[Occhidiangela]

:lol:

Neocons and the Tin Man.

:lol:

I don't much care for Neocons. :blink:
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They are doing a lovely job of making America a debtor nation, and a few people are finally taking notice, due to

Port terminals?

*shakes head* That's another joke. Our ports have been infiltrated for years, by the drug lords. Containers of the stuff arrive. The risk that underground drug movements cut a deal with some Islamic, Communist, or other flavored nasties to slip some "WMD" into an American port has been with us since the mid 1980's, at the least, and was previously present due to the infiltration of the longshoreman's union by Communist agents, and the age old problem of graft and bribes in the right place. The only reason I think a drug lord would not permit that is his fear of damaging his business base.

The lie is that there was ever any security. The joke is that anyone believes that this very public gesture will do anything, materially, to improve port security. Let's have at the Chinese first, eh? On the Left Coast?

Smoke Screen.

Occhi

[Alram]

John Kerry walked into a bar. The bartender said, "So why the long face?"

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Bob Dole.

Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?

[Occhidiangela]

John Kerry walked into a bar. The bartender said, "So why the long face?"

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Bob Dole.

Sen. Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. Is that the best name for Ted Kennedy's dog? Isn't that like that  Jack Abramoff guy naming his dog Bribe?
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Scooter Libby walked into a bar. The bartender asked him what he wanted to drink. Scooter said: "I don't have to tell you that, you aren't on the VP's staff."

Occhi

[NiteFox]

Aping GW Bush's rhetoric style is like copying from a D student on a chemistry test.
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It might be worth it if you're a solid F student ;)

[Doc]

It might be worth it if you're a solid F student ;)
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:lol:

[Occhidiangela]

:lol:
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I just re read the title, you were seeking Republican humor.

Isn't that Rush Limbaugh laughing at his own jokes?

Occhi

[Doc]

I just re read the title, you were seeking Republican humor.

Isn't that Rush Limbaugh laughing at his own jokes?

Occhi
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Is that even possible?

By the way. There is now pickle relish and cottage cheese in my beard because I snorted and laughed at your little quip while eating a salad.

Edit.

BTW, the cucumbers grown in the solarium are delicious! So cucumbery. Cool. It's great having cucumbers fresh all year round. Mmm.

[kandrathe]

Doc,

I have to agree with Occhi. If this is humor, you don't understand "joke". I think really you just sent out your fishing trawler (troller) with 17 lines and hooks, looking to snag some good argument.

As an example, these are jokes;
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because they wouldn't want to violate the rights of those who might come into the room and like to sit in the dark.

Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "2nd Amendment Lights" ad while doing so,and one to complain about the waiting period.

Q: How many members of Dan Quayle's hunting party does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his Dan's privates out of the gun.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the screwing began.

or

A: Nine, four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.

Q: How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS OR SCREWING THEM!!!!

Q: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Ten, one to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed, one to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed, one to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb, one to tell the nations of the world that they are either "for" changing the light bulb or "for" darkness, one to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb, one to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished", one administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark, one to viciously smear the book writer, one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along, and one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Doc]

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They redefine darkness as the standard.

[Premezilla]

Q: What's the different between a dead snake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

[eppie]

How to behave like a good Republican.

And who said that americans are not funny....I guess it was me.
But I will take that back now, this thread made my day.

[Alram]

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Market forces will change it.

Did you hear about the new movie, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is being made about the life of former president Reagan?
It's called Partial Recall.

President Bush was onboard a ship with the Prime Minister of England. The Prime Minister's hat blew off his head and landed in the water. President Bush jumped into the sea and walked on the surface of the water about 50 yards, retrieved the hat, and then walked back to the ship across the water.
The next day the newspaper headlines read, "President Bush Can't Swim."

[Occhidiangela]

Did you hear about the new movie, starring  Arnold Schwarzenegger,  which is being made about the life of former president Reagan?
It's called Partial Recall.
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The Tamoan Judge grades that as The Best Joke in the Thread. :D

[jahcs]

The Tamoan Judge grades that as The Best Joke in the Thread.  :D
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Nay, I vote for this little gem posted by Alram:

President Bush was onboard a ship with the Prime Minister of England. The Prime Minister's hat blew off his head and landed in the water. President Bush jumped into the sea and walked on the surface of the water about 50 yards, retrieved the hat, and then walked back to the ship across the water.
The next day the newspaper headlines read, "President Bush Can't Swim."

[kandrathe]

How about?

Two guys are sitting at a bar. Eventually the conversation turns to politics. One man mentions that he's a Republican. The other replies that he's a Democrat. The Republican snorts, "Why the hell would you be a Democrat?"

The Democrat replies, "Well, my Father before me was a Democrat, and my Grandfather before him was a Democrat and my Great-Grandfather before him was a Democrat. That's why I'm a Democrat".

The Republican can barely conceal his disgust. He says, "Well what if your Father was a crook and your Grandfather was a crook and your Great-Grandfather was a crook? What would that make you?"

"A Republican", the Democrat replies.

Or?

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Attorney general Alberto Gonzales believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "X" and "Y ", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

Or?

Hillary Clinton was taking a break from her tough campaigning around Soho and walks into a curio shop.

Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.

Hillary gives the shop-owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As she walks down the street carrying this bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot toward the Hudson. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands maybe millions- -and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the river, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as she can.

Amazingly, the millions of rats run past her and all jump into the river after the strange bronze statue, and are all drowned.

Hillary quickly walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story?"

"No," said Hillary, "I came back to see if you have any statues of  republicans."

[Alram]

At New York's Kennedy International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Attorney general Alberto Gonzales believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "X" and "Y ", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
Or?

It's a sine of the times. If you pay close attention to Al-gebra you can log a rhythm to what they do. Frankly, terrorists belonging to that set are a bunch of snakes in the grass which actually means they can easily be kept under control. For as we all know, adders can't multiply.

[Occhidiangela]

How about?
Or?Or?
""No," said Hillary, "I came back to see if you have any statues of  republicans."
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A Republican and a republican are two very different political animals, as of the Ides of March, 2006, 0804 CST.

Capitalization mattters. ;)

"I come to bury Caeser, not to praise him."
"Beware the Ides of March!"
"Lend me your ears!"
"Up yours, Brutus!"
"And so are they all, all honorable men!"

"Uh, Marc Antony, it is tough to take you seriously when you're wearing a dress."
"Dude, that's not a dress, that's a toga!"

"Toga, Toga, Toga!"

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

It might not have been, but this post is over.

Occhi