11-02-2006, 06:07 AM
Even nine years on this thing still made me laugh.
You might be a Diablo addict if....
Barngrille:
If youâve ever told your spouse, "Sure hon, Iâm almost finished for the night" only to stay on-line âtil dawn⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever been heard complaining to others, "why are there only four hotkeys???"â¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever debated the merits of Windforce vs. Eaglehorn with confused relatives and friendsâ¦. ("you see, Grandma, it's like this....") ....you might be a Diablo addict.
If your reflex reaction to being cut-off in traffic is to reach for your F5 key and cast a good olâ Fireballâ¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you tried to "dupe" your last paycheckâ¦. ("why does that man keep dropping that envelope on the floor???")... you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve seen the doctor recently with wrist and elbow pain and told him, "Um, uh, musta been tennis or somethinââ¦"â¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you are on a first-name basis with Pat N. .... you might be a Diablo addict.
If you actually ordered the Blizzard T-Shirt on the back of the game instruction manualâ¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you actually WEAR THE T-SHIRT IN PUBLIC !!!! ... you might be a Diablo addict. (just kidding, Blizzard... it's a cool t-shirt...please don't ban me.... hehe)
If youâve named a family pet "KSOH"â¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you look through every drawer, box, trash can, or other container you walk past in search of that next magic itemâ¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
And sadly:
If youâve ever chosen to play a game instead of an opportunity for carnal activities with your significant other... you might be a Diablo addict.
When you sign checks, you accidentally sign the name of your character .... ("Sir, your driver's license says you're 'Bob', not Slayer666_PK")
In a bar, your pick up line is, "Hey baby, would you like to co-op with me?"....
You rescheduled the family vacation because your guild has a dueling tournament that weekend....
You accidentally called your neighbor's rude little boy "Wirt"....
You accidentally told your wife you were going to pick up a few things at "GrisMart"....
You have a link to the Strategy Forum in your Windows "StartUp"....
She senses a soul in search of answers... so, you figure maybe she can help you with that History final ....
When introducing yourself to others, you tell people your class and level ("Hi, I'm Bob, Rogue, Level 44....")
You've asked complete strangers if they have "player friendly on"....
You refer to any arguments with others as a "Flame War"....
You've stopped using bad language in public for fear of "being banned"....
Kenis:
if you are getting very excited the sec' you see gold letters, you might be a Diablo addict.
if the diablo CD is the only CD in your CD-rom for over 6 month, you might be a Diablo addict.
Ruger:
If youâve ever experienced a system crash and your first thought was recovering your character filesâ¦you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever changed ISPs for the sole purpose of getting less BNET lag⦠you might be a Diablo addict (guilty).
If your best friends are BNET "characters"(not Diablo players)⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever tried to explain to your boss why a project was behind schedule and you mentioned "Lazarus", "Sole Burners", or "Blood Knights"⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever had sexual fantasies about any of the Diablo towns people⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
[Van_Damned replies: "What kind of sicko are you???? Granny would not approve of you. I hope you're not thinking about peg legs." Then see "Gillian as Girlfriend" in "other forum humor" below. ]
Aurora:
If you've given up eating and drinking except for Blue Ice Gatorade, Fruit Punch Gatorade and Mello Yello (or Mountain Dew), you're an addict.
If the first thought you have when you meet people on the street is I wonder what resists this person has, you're an addict.
If you've ever used these phrases in normal conversations you're an addict:
"I sence a soul seeking answers"
"Hau, Wha Ken I do Fer Ya"
"Hello my friend, Stay a while and listen"
"What ails you my friend"
"Psst, over here"
If you've ever said "Oh nothing" when a significant other asks you what you're thinking and you're too embarassed to say you were thinking of that new Golem to the rear, Holy Bolt up front tactic, you're an addict.
If you've gone to a drug store asked where they keep their elixirs, you're an addict.
If you think dark alleys are actually safer than lighted streets because "If you can't see them, they can't see you", you're an addict.
If the first thing that pops into your head when your sig other asks for jewlery is "Jeez, I hope he/she doesn't want my Zod", you're an addict.
If you frantically search the floor every time you hear a "ding", you're an addict.
Maya:
...you take your wife's diamond wedding ring and tell her you're trading it for emerald because "it has better resists."
...you forgot how the end of Laz's "Abandon your foolish quest" speech because you always kill him too fast.
...you actually had above speech memorized before forgetting the end.
...when someone ticks you off, you attempt to cast fireball at them. When you fail, you always seem to mutter "Not enough mana" under your breath.
...you killed someone wearing a "Save the Whales" t-shirt because they were a "cheater".
...you walk around poking people in hopes to find out their name and life points.
Tanis Half-Elven:
If you can't walk into a church without wondering if Skelletons will attack you, you're a Diablo addict.
If you have strange feelings of terror when you enter a butcher shop, you're a Diablo addict.
If you get a engagement ring, and exclaim that it helps cut down on damage, you're a Diablo addict.
bikejr:
If you wake up in the morning and skip breakfast and go straight down to the computer and fire up a new (or resume an in progress game) of diablo from the night before.
If you actually bought a second copy of the game because you have two computers at home networked together.
If you're playing at least one character of each class, with the goal of 3 solo dots for all.
If you're thinking of or have upgraded your computer processing speed so it will be faster to go griz/adria/wirt shopping.
If you're posting messages like this on a diablo strategy forum.
Morgan:
If you got rid of that "Microsoft Natural Keyboard" just so your hotkeys wouldn't be split up anymore....
If you wondered about every witch at your Halloween party " Hmm is she a Snow Witch, or a Soul Burner?"....
If you write Blizzard begging for Diablo action figures so you may use them to better plan out your strategies and/or character positioning....
If everytime you find a Windforce, KSOH, or Dreamflange, you immediately send out 10-15 emails informing friends and family of your good fortune....
If you actually read through the ENTIRE "keyboard finger placement for rogues" thread from a couple months ago (remember that one old-timers?).....
If you do any testing/expieriments on the game that involve quantum physics, calculus, mathematical engineering, or a Stephen Hawking textbook for reference (I could name names here but..:)......
If you begin introducing yourself by your characters name in real life....
If you've already called Wal-Mart to reserve your copy of Diablo 2....
the Sage:
Your only reply to the judge when he asks you why you killed the local meat vendor is "The spirits of the dead are now avenged."
You have been institutionalized for running around cemetaries with a pot on your head swinging a meat tenderizer and yelling "Kill the King!!!!"
Your shift key or left mouse button has broken more than once in the past month.
You steal things from people and then blame it on the janitor (er...wait a second here.... :-/ ).
You wonder why athletes with the number 0 on their jerseys aren't dead.
You mercilessly beat anyone with only one leg.
You go to jail for telling a waitress at the local bar how she may serve you.
You buy books written in languages you don't know in hopes of finding a ring that will let you.
You think having a short staff of haste isn't a curse.
You go to prison for testing out your new flash spell in public.
You curl into the fetal position and start sucking your thumb when you see someone walking a pack of dogs.
You call your boss "Bilefroth the Pitmaster".
Your new pet name for your wife is "Stareye".
You compose a long list of reasons why you are addicted to a computer game to a bulliten board.
Eek!
You don't understand that "you must have lost your mind" look your wife gives you when you want to name your kids Grizwold and Adria.
You stop taking your rings off when you have a shower cause there might be a Hidden in there.
You notice that rogues have ... well ... umm ... nice butts.
violence:
If you've sent your wife across country without you for a vacation so you could play Diablo undisturbed.... you may be an addict.
If you HAVE sighned e-mails at work with you "handle"... face it your an addict.
If you can't hold a conversation without refering to Diablo....
If you tease people in RL for being cheaters.....
If you get pissed because your Diablo CD isn't in the CD rom.....
Da O'Toth:
You jump back when your neigbours cocker spaniel approaches you 'cause you think he'll spit acid at you...
You find yourself keeping close to the walls as you walk down supermarket isles.....
You get tense at a topless bar 'cause you fear that blood stars may start flying at you....
You get thrown out of a mausoleum for prying open the coffins....
You get stares at the library cause you keep "clicking" on the cover of the books with your right hand.....
You feel strange that when you enter a stairwell the suroundings do not disolve....
Blue or gold lettering on labels really gets your attention....
You switched to Chateu Neuf du Pape, Petit Shira and Cabernet Savignon because all of the sudden the color appeals to you.... And you always drink straigth from the bottle.....
You prefer paying your bills in coins, carrying them around in your backpack.....
The last thing you do before going work is to throw all the stuff you don't need that day on the floor..... And put all your things into your backpack before you go to sleep at night, making sure that you're not leaving anything on the floor.....
When your office pal tells you all about the new golf club he bought and you ask him what pre- and suffixes it has.....
You always wear headgear.....
Van_Damned:
.... your index finger twitches when you walk
.... you refer to another floor in your office bldg as "Level 3".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other Forum Humor
Gillian as Girlfriend (Van_Damned)
Unless her Granny is asleep, I have to take a certain barmaid behind the church to have any fun. I just love the way she asks "How may I serve you?" She's a bit jealous though - she keeps asking "The witches you were with today - were THEY topless again? Is THAT why you keep going there? You LIKE chasing them don't you? Are you going down there AGAIN? I just don't understand WHY you would want to." and "When you visit Adria does SHE dress like that too? What kind of 'answers' is she giving you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witch Fashion (Barngrille, Van_Damned)
Barngrille:
Believe it or not, one night the guys in my guild had a debate on whether the witches wear a "g-sting" or not, finally resulting in a scientific venture to hell for evidence (aren't you glad I didn't post about the "test" and results?? hehehe). Clearly they do wear one, as on the front-side, the color showed up on our test. But one of the guys said his wife gets really jealous about the witches (sort of sounds like your Gillian vignette above). His defense was, "hey, when I go to hell levels, I'm killing them... the fur really flies..." Draw your own conclusions. =8-)
Van_Damned:
Yeah, there was a post a long time ago wondering about that, specifically saying that when the witches die, facing away from you, there is no apparent string. I concluded upon my own research that, yes, they wear them, but when they die, it falls off. In fact, in the sound of their death scream you can hear a pop, kinda like elastic snapping.:)
Barngrille:
You know . . . now that I think about it . . . you're right . . . when you kill them, it goes, "ungh.... ungh... ohhh OHHHH . . . *SNAP* " Now I remember! Of course!
Van_Damned:
Maybe Diablo II will have witches with tassels, and when they stand there around the corner, doing the knee bends like they do, maybe their tassels could swing in different directions, a la "The Graduate".
Barngrille:
Or sort of like the P-38, which solved the torque problem. I dunno, this is pretty cutting-edge thinking, Van D. Sounds kind of like "Leisure Suit Larry 8: Lookin' for Luv in Hell"
You might be a Diablo addict if....
Barngrille:
If youâve ever told your spouse, "Sure hon, Iâm almost finished for the night" only to stay on-line âtil dawn⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever been heard complaining to others, "why are there only four hotkeys???"â¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever debated the merits of Windforce vs. Eaglehorn with confused relatives and friendsâ¦. ("you see, Grandma, it's like this....") ....you might be a Diablo addict.
If your reflex reaction to being cut-off in traffic is to reach for your F5 key and cast a good olâ Fireballâ¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you tried to "dupe" your last paycheckâ¦. ("why does that man keep dropping that envelope on the floor???")... you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve seen the doctor recently with wrist and elbow pain and told him, "Um, uh, musta been tennis or somethinââ¦"â¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you are on a first-name basis with Pat N. .... you might be a Diablo addict.
If you actually ordered the Blizzard T-Shirt on the back of the game instruction manualâ¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you actually WEAR THE T-SHIRT IN PUBLIC !!!! ... you might be a Diablo addict. (just kidding, Blizzard... it's a cool t-shirt...please don't ban me.... hehe)
If youâve named a family pet "KSOH"â¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
If you look through every drawer, box, trash can, or other container you walk past in search of that next magic itemâ¦. you might be a Diablo addict.
And sadly:
If youâve ever chosen to play a game instead of an opportunity for carnal activities with your significant other... you might be a Diablo addict.
When you sign checks, you accidentally sign the name of your character .... ("Sir, your driver's license says you're 'Bob', not Slayer666_PK")
In a bar, your pick up line is, "Hey baby, would you like to co-op with me?"....
You rescheduled the family vacation because your guild has a dueling tournament that weekend....
You accidentally called your neighbor's rude little boy "Wirt"....
You accidentally told your wife you were going to pick up a few things at "GrisMart"....
You have a link to the Strategy Forum in your Windows "StartUp"....
She senses a soul in search of answers... so, you figure maybe she can help you with that History final ....
When introducing yourself to others, you tell people your class and level ("Hi, I'm Bob, Rogue, Level 44....")
You've asked complete strangers if they have "player friendly on"....
You refer to any arguments with others as a "Flame War"....
You've stopped using bad language in public for fear of "being banned"....
Kenis:
if you are getting very excited the sec' you see gold letters, you might be a Diablo addict.
if the diablo CD is the only CD in your CD-rom for over 6 month, you might be a Diablo addict.
Ruger:
If youâve ever experienced a system crash and your first thought was recovering your character filesâ¦you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever changed ISPs for the sole purpose of getting less BNET lag⦠you might be a Diablo addict (guilty).
If your best friends are BNET "characters"(not Diablo players)⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever tried to explain to your boss why a project was behind schedule and you mentioned "Lazarus", "Sole Burners", or "Blood Knights"⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
If youâve ever had sexual fantasies about any of the Diablo towns people⦠you might be a Diablo addict.
[Van_Damned replies: "What kind of sicko are you???? Granny would not approve of you. I hope you're not thinking about peg legs." Then see "Gillian as Girlfriend" in "other forum humor" below. ]
Aurora:
If you've given up eating and drinking except for Blue Ice Gatorade, Fruit Punch Gatorade and Mello Yello (or Mountain Dew), you're an addict.
If the first thought you have when you meet people on the street is I wonder what resists this person has, you're an addict.
If you've ever used these phrases in normal conversations you're an addict:
"I sence a soul seeking answers"
"Hau, Wha Ken I do Fer Ya"
"Hello my friend, Stay a while and listen"
"What ails you my friend"
"Psst, over here"
If you've ever said "Oh nothing" when a significant other asks you what you're thinking and you're too embarassed to say you were thinking of that new Golem to the rear, Holy Bolt up front tactic, you're an addict.
If you've gone to a drug store asked where they keep their elixirs, you're an addict.
If you think dark alleys are actually safer than lighted streets because "If you can't see them, they can't see you", you're an addict.
If the first thing that pops into your head when your sig other asks for jewlery is "Jeez, I hope he/she doesn't want my Zod", you're an addict.
If you frantically search the floor every time you hear a "ding", you're an addict.
Maya:
...you take your wife's diamond wedding ring and tell her you're trading it for emerald because "it has better resists."
...you forgot how the end of Laz's "Abandon your foolish quest" speech because you always kill him too fast.
...you actually had above speech memorized before forgetting the end.
...when someone ticks you off, you attempt to cast fireball at them. When you fail, you always seem to mutter "Not enough mana" under your breath.
...you killed someone wearing a "Save the Whales" t-shirt because they were a "cheater".
...you walk around poking people in hopes to find out their name and life points.
Tanis Half-Elven:
If you can't walk into a church without wondering if Skelletons will attack you, you're a Diablo addict.
If you have strange feelings of terror when you enter a butcher shop, you're a Diablo addict.
If you get a engagement ring, and exclaim that it helps cut down on damage, you're a Diablo addict.
bikejr:
If you wake up in the morning and skip breakfast and go straight down to the computer and fire up a new (or resume an in progress game) of diablo from the night before.
If you actually bought a second copy of the game because you have two computers at home networked together.
If you're playing at least one character of each class, with the goal of 3 solo dots for all.
If you're thinking of or have upgraded your computer processing speed so it will be faster to go griz/adria/wirt shopping.
If you're posting messages like this on a diablo strategy forum.
Morgan:
If you got rid of that "Microsoft Natural Keyboard" just so your hotkeys wouldn't be split up anymore....
If you wondered about every witch at your Halloween party " Hmm is she a Snow Witch, or a Soul Burner?"....
If you write Blizzard begging for Diablo action figures so you may use them to better plan out your strategies and/or character positioning....
If everytime you find a Windforce, KSOH, or Dreamflange, you immediately send out 10-15 emails informing friends and family of your good fortune....
If you actually read through the ENTIRE "keyboard finger placement for rogues" thread from a couple months ago (remember that one old-timers?).....
If you do any testing/expieriments on the game that involve quantum physics, calculus, mathematical engineering, or a Stephen Hawking textbook for reference (I could name names here but..:)......
If you begin introducing yourself by your characters name in real life....
If you've already called Wal-Mart to reserve your copy of Diablo 2....
the Sage:
Your only reply to the judge when he asks you why you killed the local meat vendor is "The spirits of the dead are now avenged."
You have been institutionalized for running around cemetaries with a pot on your head swinging a meat tenderizer and yelling "Kill the King!!!!"
Your shift key or left mouse button has broken more than once in the past month.
You steal things from people and then blame it on the janitor (er...wait a second here.... :-/ ).
You wonder why athletes with the number 0 on their jerseys aren't dead.
You mercilessly beat anyone with only one leg.
You go to jail for telling a waitress at the local bar how she may serve you.
You buy books written in languages you don't know in hopes of finding a ring that will let you.
You think having a short staff of haste isn't a curse.
You go to prison for testing out your new flash spell in public.
You curl into the fetal position and start sucking your thumb when you see someone walking a pack of dogs.
You call your boss "Bilefroth the Pitmaster".
Your new pet name for your wife is "Stareye".
You compose a long list of reasons why you are addicted to a computer game to a bulliten board.
Eek!
You don't understand that "you must have lost your mind" look your wife gives you when you want to name your kids Grizwold and Adria.
You stop taking your rings off when you have a shower cause there might be a Hidden in there.
You notice that rogues have ... well ... umm ... nice butts.
violence:
If you've sent your wife across country without you for a vacation so you could play Diablo undisturbed.... you may be an addict.
If you HAVE sighned e-mails at work with you "handle"... face it your an addict.
If you can't hold a conversation without refering to Diablo....
If you tease people in RL for being cheaters.....
If you get pissed because your Diablo CD isn't in the CD rom.....
Da O'Toth:
You jump back when your neigbours cocker spaniel approaches you 'cause you think he'll spit acid at you...
You find yourself keeping close to the walls as you walk down supermarket isles.....
You get tense at a topless bar 'cause you fear that blood stars may start flying at you....
You get thrown out of a mausoleum for prying open the coffins....
You get stares at the library cause you keep "clicking" on the cover of the books with your right hand.....
You feel strange that when you enter a stairwell the suroundings do not disolve....
Blue or gold lettering on labels really gets your attention....
You switched to Chateu Neuf du Pape, Petit Shira and Cabernet Savignon because all of the sudden the color appeals to you.... And you always drink straigth from the bottle.....
You prefer paying your bills in coins, carrying them around in your backpack.....
The last thing you do before going work is to throw all the stuff you don't need that day on the floor..... And put all your things into your backpack before you go to sleep at night, making sure that you're not leaving anything on the floor.....
When your office pal tells you all about the new golf club he bought and you ask him what pre- and suffixes it has.....
You always wear headgear.....
Van_Damned:
.... your index finger twitches when you walk
.... you refer to another floor in your office bldg as "Level 3".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other Forum Humor
Gillian as Girlfriend (Van_Damned)
Unless her Granny is asleep, I have to take a certain barmaid behind the church to have any fun. I just love the way she asks "How may I serve you?" She's a bit jealous though - she keeps asking "The witches you were with today - were THEY topless again? Is THAT why you keep going there? You LIKE chasing them don't you? Are you going down there AGAIN? I just don't understand WHY you would want to." and "When you visit Adria does SHE dress like that too? What kind of 'answers' is she giving you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Witch Fashion (Barngrille, Van_Damned)
Barngrille:
Believe it or not, one night the guys in my guild had a debate on whether the witches wear a "g-sting" or not, finally resulting in a scientific venture to hell for evidence (aren't you glad I didn't post about the "test" and results?? hehehe). Clearly they do wear one, as on the front-side, the color showed up on our test. But one of the guys said his wife gets really jealous about the witches (sort of sounds like your Gillian vignette above). His defense was, "hey, when I go to hell levels, I'm killing them... the fur really flies..." Draw your own conclusions. =8-)
Van_Damned:
Yeah, there was a post a long time ago wondering about that, specifically saying that when the witches die, facing away from you, there is no apparent string. I concluded upon my own research that, yes, they wear them, but when they die, it falls off. In fact, in the sound of their death scream you can hear a pop, kinda like elastic snapping.:)
Barngrille:
You know . . . now that I think about it . . . you're right . . . when you kill them, it goes, "ungh.... ungh... ohhh OHHHH . . . *SNAP* " Now I remember! Of course!
Van_Damned:
Maybe Diablo II will have witches with tassels, and when they stand there around the corner, doing the knee bends like they do, maybe their tassels could swing in different directions, a la "The Graduate".
Barngrille:
Or sort of like the P-38, which solved the torque problem. I dunno, this is pretty cutting-edge thinking, Van D. Sounds kind of like "Leisure Suit Larry 8: Lookin' for Luv in Hell"
