Rites of Passage

[Doc]

As I noted below, the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral is one less drinker... :P

Being that my father's side of the family is Irish with a smidgeon of French in there, we're still trying to figure that one out, you can see where the funerals end up on that side... :whistling:

Easy enough to figure out, just toss some French red wine in to the mix. :w00t:

[--Pete]

Hi,

And home brewed single malt whisky.

Shouldn't that be "whiskey" given that it was an Irish wake?;)

I'm half Irish on my daughter's side (figuring that out is left as an exercise for the reader) and I can appreciate the "God bless the Irish. They put the fun back in to funeral." They don't do half bad at backyard BBQs, either :lol:

EDIT: OOTC -- "Now, when I die, don't think that I'm a nut . . ."

--Pete

[Doc]

Hi,
Shouldn't that be "whiskey" given that it was an Irish wake?;)

I'm half Irish on my daughter's side (figuring that out is left as an exercise for the reader) and I can appreciate the "God bless the Irish. They put the fun back in to funeral." They don't do half bad at backard BBQs, either :lol:

--Pete

You're probably right. Whiskey. I don't pay attention to those little details.

I could only imagine backyard BBQs.

I have attended a few Irish weddings... One in particular turned in to a THREE DAY drinking binge. People would pass out on the ground, wake up, and resume drinking. After the actual wedding, people got in to their "drinking clothes", the things they didn't care about puking on or passing out on the lawn with. When I was drinking, I was a heavy drinker... I had what most considered a godlike tolerance to booze... But I couldn't keep up with those people.

Just thinking about it makes my liver hurt.

[Rhydderch Hael]

Unfortunately, I know exactly how I'm going out: immolated into oblivion by a lightning barrage at the Battle of St-Quentin while trapped in the line with the British Fifth.

Maybe I should stop work on the time machine.

[Lissa]

You're probably right. Whiskey. I don't pay attention to those little details.

I could only imagine backyard BBQs.

I have attended a few Irish weddings... One in particular turned in to a THREE DAY drinking binge. People would pass out on the ground, wake up, and resume drinking. After the actual wedding, people got in to their "drinking clothes", the things they didn't care about puking on or passing out on the lawn with. When I was drinking, I was a heavy drinker... I had what most considered a godlike tolerance to booze... But I couldn't keep up with those people.

Just thinking about it makes my liver hurt.

When my cousin Lauren got married, my Uncle (her father) played it smart. The bar was not an open bar, you could get as much of the soft drinks as you want, but if you wanted a beer or better, you were paying for it. ;)

[ShadowHM]

A year and some after writing the original post in this thread, I was in the position of decision maker about how to handle the funeral of my beloved husband. So I thought I would report.

We had discussed the topic in some depth at the time of the original post, so I was reasonably sure I was, indeed, following his wishes.

We held a memorial gathering at our cottage, on the first day of summer. All guests were invited to bring a photograph or reminiscence of my husband with them, and those that were brought were tacked to the wall of the boathouse. That location became a gathering point for people to chat and reminisce and swap stories about him. It was very informal. I rented a tent, just because I worried that it might rain, and that the cottage would never hold all the people. I rented port-a-potties, because I didn't want to overwhelm the ancient but still healthy septic system. And I arranged for food and non-alchoholic drinks to be served. (This did not prevent drinking at the event; it just kept me from any criminal liability should anyone try to drive home drunk.)

I handed the camera to my two youngest sons. This gave them something to do and also gave them a more comfortable way to approach people, some of whom they had never met, to chat and glean stories of their dad. The resultant photo album will be a treasure for us and many of his friends for some time to come.

As he wished, I had him cremated. The crematorium picked his body up from the hospital, and I picked up a box full of ashes the following week. I was bemused to find that I couldn't have him cremated until an autopsy was completed. Apparently, they needed to ascertain that he did die of natural causes (and not with any of my intervention ;)) before I could have him cremated.

Some of his ashes are now planted with a tree at the cottage. This is what he asked for - that what there was left of his physical self should be at the cottage where his heart and our family life were centred. We planted a Ginkgo for him. They are very hardy and long-lived. They are very uncommon in cottage country, so it will be one of a kind there, just like my husband. And, for a bonus, we could actually plant a male tree for him. :) When my time comes, I hope my sons will plant a female one beside it for me.

[Tal]

That sounds like a lovely celebration of your husband's life ShadowHM. My condolences to you and your family on your loss.

[--Pete]

Hi,

We had discussed the topic in some depth at the time of the original post, so I was reasonably sure I was, indeed, following his wishes.

It sounds and looks quite nice. I suspect he would have been pleased, I know I would have. Your stories of the cottages and the pictures you've posted almost make me want to move.

Hope all is well with you,

--Pete

[eppie]

A year and some after writing the original post in this thread, I was in the position of decision maker about how to handle the funeral of my beloved husband. So I thought I would report.

Hi Shadow, my condolences......you left me speechless.
I just want to say that I respect your ways of dealing with this, and the way you handled the funeral arrangements very much. And the Ginkgo, what a great symbol...talk about eternal.

[kandrathe]

This is what he asked for - that what there was left of his physical self should be at the cottage where his heart and our family life were centred. We planted a Ginkgo for him. They are very hardy and long-lived. They are very uncommon in cottage country, so it will be one of a kind there, just like my husband. And, for a bonus, we could actually plant a male tree for him. :) When my time comes, I hope my sons will plant a female one beside it for me.

Also, my condolences. I hope when it is my time it is done with such love, foresight, and dignity.

[[wcip]Angel]

What a beautiful ceremony. I especially liked the poem in one of the pictures. Very moving indeed.

My condolences. I hope all is well with you and your family. I saw through the pictures you posted. They seem like nice people.

[NuurAbSaal]

My sincere condolences. I am not what you would call a spiritual person, but your post brought a tear to my eye, it kind of radiates love. That doesn't sound right, but it's the best I can do in English, apologies.

If I ever turn into a spiritual person, I hope I turn out like you and your family. Seems to be the way to go, from where I'm standing. The album is beautiful.

take care
Tarabulus

[Hammerskjold]

My condolences. On the subject of burial rites, when my ticket comes up I probably would want something like you mentioned. I love the outdoors, and there's a park nearby where I sometimes hike, and there's a bench there dedicated to someone who apparently worked tirelessly for the protection of the greenspace.

Anyways, my condolences again.

[Kylearan]

Hi,

Some of his ashes are now planted with a tree at the cottage.

This is a wonderful! I think many people need a place to go to to commemorate, a physical place linked to the beloved they lost, even (or especially) in later years. People who, for example, want their ashes to be thrown out into the sea, deny this to their family and friends. Having a tree planted with the ashes is a beautiful idea, especially if it's at the place most important to him and your family.

All the best to you, and thanks for reporting.

-Andre

[Occhidiangela]

I have begun to notice a change in the way we, as a society, are observing that final rite of passage – the funeral.

When I was a child, a funeral had a rule-set that was fairly universally observed. The funeral was held within a week of the death, usually within three days. If lengthy travel was required by close family members to get there, it might be the full week.

People were not usually cremated. Often, there were open caskets. The ornateness of casket itself was a measure of the person’s wealth, community standing and/or the respect the family held for them.

The funeral was held in either a church (the one attended by the deceased or, at least, by the family members of the deceased) or in a funeral home.

There was always a speaker, either the priest/minister/rabbi/church leader or a family designate, who would deliver a beatified summary of the person’s life. (Sometimes, you could even wonder if you were attending the right funeral, so glowing were the terms always used.)

The gathering would be concluded with a trip to the cemetery to inter the coffin.

Lately, the only people I whose funerals have been like this have been the very elderly. The people from 70 on down have begun to request a very different send-off. They are requesting that the ceremony be described as a ‘Celebration of their Life’ and that it be a much less formal affair.

For starters, most people are now cremated. This allows considerable flexibility in the timing of the event. Most of the funerals I have been attending of late are held at a time convenient to the survivors and those who they would like to invite, sometimes many months after the death. They seldom take place in churches or funeral homes, and are more likely to take place in private homes. And they have no link to the interment (or other disposal method) of the ashes.

These private and informal events are usually characterized by a general mingling and story sharing, to pass on our memories of the individual to each other, so we can know the many facets they had and the ways in which they influenced each of us. I have come away from these events with more of a feeling of completion and peace of mind than any of those more formal events have ever generated.

So, I am wondering: Am I part of a small sub-culture of change, or is this a phenomenon that is growing everywhere? What are the funerals you attend like?

And, before anyone asks, yes, I am attending one of those events soon. Hence the subject is on my mind right now.

I recently went to one of the old school events, that had a bit of the new school style of remembrance sharing. Brother of a cop I know very well. Freemasons arrived, did some neat stuff at the coffin interment from their rites.

I left feeling very uplifted. THe family were taking very hard the loss of their son, 44 years old.

I have left written notes from my two brothers to be helpful in the framework of my passing.

Music selections, requests for where the ashes are to be disposed (my mind has changed twice on that) and a few other notes. My wife doesn't like talking about it, so I have given my brothers my input.

I could happen next week, ya see, for any of us.

The new way is not such a bad thing. Seems a way of making the best of a sad event. Your memorial looks to have carried that theme forward.

My condonlences, as well. Words don't come easy on this one.

Occhi