Time for more jokes

[NiteFox]

Metaphors and Similes Found in High School Essays

Thanks Pir :)

I've landed a job marking examination papers for the summer. I've got a sneaking suspicion that I'll see some similar stuff myself.

[Lady Vashj]

The monks at a certain monastery, upon waking up, always went to their windows and sang the single word "Morning!". But one day, in between chants of "Morning", a single cry of "Evening!" rang out.

"Did you hear that?" said Brother Edward.
"Hear what?" said Brother Timothy.
Brother Edward sang in reply, "Someone chanted evening..."


The author is not responsible for the content of this post. Blame Fr. Joe.
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If you forget to pay the exorcist, will you be reposessed?

[[wcip]Angel]

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - #$%&! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Lady Vashj]

The orchestra was halfway through Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and the conductor was nervous. Earlier, he had caught his bass section passing around a bottle, boozing up right before the performance. They were doing all right so far, but now he needed extra effort from them. He was so nervous that as he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand, scattering the sheets everywhere. His worst fear had been realized:

It's the bottom of the ninth, no score, and the basses are loaded!

[[wcip]Angel]

Is that a (american) football-joke?
I've heard the expression "bottom of the ninth" before.

I play in a brass band, and the basses aren't the only ones passing booze around before a concert, believe you me :)

[Jeunemaitre]

Actually, the "bottom of the ninth" is a baseball term. The bottom of the ninth inning is the last chance for the home team to come from behind and win the game. If the home team is ahead after the top of the ninth (when the visiting team is batting) then the bottom of the inning is not played. In the case that the score is tied at the conclusion of the ninth inning, extra innings are played until a winner is decided, or a time limit is reached (I think the rule is that no inning can be started after 3 AM?)

In a situation where the bases are loaded in the bottom of the ninth in a game with a no score, the pitcher of the opposing team is under tremendous pressure because no room for error exists:
1. If he walks the batter, a run scores, the game is over, visitors lose
2. If he gives up a hit, a run scores, the game is over, visitors lose
3. If he gives up a home run, four runs score, the game is over, visitors lose
4. If he throws a wild pitch (or the catcher lets a ball pass), a run may score, the game is over, visitors lose
5. If the batter puts the ball in play, and a fielder commits an error, or is slow in fielding the ball, a run scores, the game is over, visitors lose

In short, the situation described is one with few positive outcomes. You'd best hope for a series of strikeouts (if your a fan of the visiting team).

[[wcip]Angel]

You know, in our European sports, we just kick people in the shin till they can't stand up anymore and have to get off the field. I haven't played baseball, so I can't really compare the two, but one is definitely simpler than the other ;)

[--Pete]

Hi,

You know, in our European sports, we just kick people in the shin till they can't stand up anymore

You're forgetting bicycle racing where it is an accepted tactic to get ahead of your opponents, find a nice spot overlooking where they have to pass, and urinate on them as they go by. :)

Europeans are so much more cultured :^)

--Pete

[kandrathe]

New MMORPG -- Kingdom of Loathing.

[Fragbait]

Adapted from German:

A man comes to the doctor and says: "I don't understand this! Maybe something's wrong with my trusty ol' pecker, my wife doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, and this is going on for 6 months now!"
The doctor examines him carefully, but can't find anything and finally advises him to send his wife into the surgery.
Next day, the man's wife comes in, and before the doctor even gets the chance to examine her, she starts to talk:
"Doctor, please listen. It's not that I'm feeling unwell or something, it's just...
Well. 6 months ago, I applied for a job as a warehouse clerk and luckily got the job. Unfortunately, I overslept the next day, which was my first day at work! I dressed, ran down to the street, called a cab and the driver brought me to my work. I realized that I had forgotten my purse, and when I told the cab driver, all he would say was: "So, we can either drive on to the police at once, or..." Well, being late already, I decided to go with 'or', and we did it on the backseats. After I cleaned up, I hurried to work. When I entered the warehouse, my storage supervisor already stood there waiting and questioned me why I was so late. I told him I overslept, and all he said was: "Well, we can either go to the boss right now, and you can tell him that, whereupon you'll get fired straight away, or..." As you can surely imagine, Doctor, I didn't want to lose my job on the very first day I had it, so I once again went with 'or', and we did it in the store. Thing is, after the laborious workday, I still didn't have my purse with me, and when the cab driver came to fetch me, I had to face the choice again: "Either I'll drive off without you right now, or..." - I plumped for 'or' again. This time we did it on the frontseats... So you see why I really was tired and didn't feel like having sex with my husband when I came home, don't you? You know, this is going on for the last six months, and that's why my husband is so vexed. Now that you know the truth, what are you going to do?"

The Doctor pondered for a moment and then replied: "Well, either we can go to your husband and retell him your intriguing story with each and every detail, or..."

:lol:

Greetings, Fragbait

[Bob]

If Dr Suess wrote technical manuals:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes the floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavey as a Souse,
Then you might as well re-boot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you'll have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.




There's a patrol of soldiers walking through a forest, and they come to a clearing. In the clearing is a massive tree, covered in bacon and gammon, and the like. Well, after pinching themselves a few times, and eating a few rashers, the return to base and report to their CO. "Well, sir, we found this tree, with bacon & gammon & pork chops, and such delicious things".
The CO replies, "That ain't no tree boys, that's an 'am-bush"


You know the chappy who proposed that light was emitted in quanta? (German fellow)
Do you know why he was smarter than his two younger brothers when they were kids?
Because they were thick as two short Plancks.

*hangs head in shame at the quality of own joke*


Ok, there's this woman, in the 1960's and she takes part in some shameful fornication, and, 9 months later, gives birth to twins, 2 boys, infact. As was the done thing for unmarried mothers in those days, she put them up for adoption. They were split up and one went to an Egyptian family, and the other to a spanish couple. They named the boys themselves, the Egyptians called their little boy Immal, and the Spaniards called theirs Juan. Well, a few years later, many years, to be more precise. A few weeks ago, to be MORE precise. The woman wanted to find out what had happened to her twin boys. After tracing them down, the adoption agency managed to get a phototgraph of Juan for his mother to so how her young lad, who she'd let go all those years ago had grown up. Well, after looking at the picture for a few minutes, she turned to the person from the adoption services and asked if they had a photo of Immal.
"oh, there'd be no point in that", said the man "when you've seen Juan, you've seen Immal."


-Bob

edit: typos & last joke added
edit2: typo-city tonight
edit3:
Thought you might like to see this site.

[Bun-Bun]

You know the chappy who proposed that light was emitted in quanta? (German fellow)
Do you know why he was smarter than his two younger brothers when they were kids?
Because they were thick as two short Plancks.

*hangs head in shame at the quality of own joke*

I thought it was Feyn, mann. At least, it was good enough Fermi.

[Fragbait]

Get ready...

>>>

A blonde called Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

<<<

:lol:

Greetings, Fragbait

[Obi2Kenobi]

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Minionman]

Could someone explain the Am-bush joke?

[Obi2Kenobi]

'Am is "ham" with Southern accent. The bush has ham, so it is a ham bush. It also means "ambush", a surprise attack.

[Jim]

Balancing the Scales of Justice

During a trial, in a small South Carolina town, the local prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in,
asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper, well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother
type, well spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the
woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why,
yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young
boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind
their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes.
Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors'
faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied,
"Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or
keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered
throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

[Fragbait]

nuclear thermodynamics

[Jim]

nuclear thermodynamics

Hi

I get this one....it's a Knock Knock joke :D


nuclear thermodynamics WHO ?

[Fragbait]

Well, nuclear thermodynamics is a study course at university.
Others are:
- naughty tribulations
- neat turtles
- noob terror
- nave tuna
- nasty toddler
- nice ti*s

or simply:

no text! :P :D


Greetings, Fragbait