Jokes

[kandrathe]

The Iraqi Foreign minister excitedly called a meeting of all Saddam's doubles.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is Saddam survived the bunker bombing. The bad news is he has lost an arm and a leg."

[the Langolier]

That blockbuster Broadway show would be Cats. :D

"I don't get it" would be the joke. As if I were dyslexic, I read it as if there was no error...

[Obi2Kenobi]

I didn't get that until you explained... Apparently neither did Duckula...


On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(Instead of irregular soap . . .?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this
one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And for those of us as immature as I am...

Sometimes ...
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears......





Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...





Sometimes...
when you are worried....
no one sees your stress......





Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ......








But FART just one time...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory,some just don't have film.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
~Steven Wright

[--Pete]

Hi,

Got this one from Magi:
http://www.happyfunpundit.com/hfp/archives...514.html#000514

Enjoy,

--Pete

[NuurAbSaal]

Argh, a two hour read by now!

Good stuff, Star Trek died when the Nazis invaded Voyager from the holodeck...

Hi Pete, I'm still here and "struggling" with the English language :lol:

G'night all
Nuur

P.S.: Something I found in my Inbox a couple of weeks ago:

> >A History of Thanksgiving According to The Humor Network...
> >
> >1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the
> >native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and
> >crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe
> >arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize,
> >and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
> >
> >1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean
> >up after Thanksgiving dinner.
> >
> >1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner,
> >as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old
> >"I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
> >
> >1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil
> >historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an
> >unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list,
> >and the treaty is signed without them.
> >
> >1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him
> >for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston
> >announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his
> >cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the
> >Revolutionary War.
> >
> >1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of
> >England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges
> >United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
> >
> >1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of
> >Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from
> >Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War.
> >The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.
> >
> >1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in
> >October, so they can say it was their idea first.
> >
> >1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that
> >will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps
> >ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
> >
> >1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go
> >Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
> >
> >1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine
> >my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed
> >under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
> >
> >1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of
> >hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed
> >around.
> >
> >1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn
> >as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
> >
> >1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in
> >turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure"
> >turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved
> >in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national
> >fowl emergency.
> >
> >2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law
> >to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives.
> >George W. signs this law into Congress, during a patriotic speech
> >he defends this decision claiming "the evil doers are just looking
> >for any opportunity to show up at your dinner table." This
> >Thanksgiving take a real good look at your relatives...and report
> >any suspicious behavior to the CIA, FBI or your local police...

[diegoforlan]

Quite a controversial joke for my first post in a while (sorry for any offence caused but.....)


How many frenchmen does it take to defend paris?


Who knows? They've never tried...... :D

Sorry again.....

Diego Forlan is god :D

[Bob]

Look here

Note the 6th one down - Lightforge is a unique helm now? :D

(Yes, I have told them about it, but didn't even get a reply)

-Bob

[dahak_i]

...I just want to thank you for that link. I had a good laugh, and definitely plan to check for updates this coming school year.

[kier]

Nathan Zohner, a teenager from Idaho falls, interviewed 50 americans over the stricter control of the dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide. He had plenty of good reasons, it can cause excessive sweating or vomiting, is a major component of acid rain, in its gaseous form it causes severe burns, inhalation can kill, it contributes to erosion, decreases the eficiency of car brakes and is found in the tumors in cancer patients. It is not suprising 43 of the 50 people suported a ban of this dangerous chemical, and good luck to them. Dihydrogen monoxide, or H2O, is more comonly known as water.

Try and leave off any racist/harsh jokes, as I think some of them are a bit OTT.

[Bob]

The complete site

unfortunately They didn't even reply when I sent them an idea for an article. :(

-Bob

[Occhidiangela]

These are fossils.

1. Herb was a manager at Worldcom, and in the recent 'belt tightening' he was cutting quite a bit of white collar help. In shipping, he could only keep Mary or Jack, and both were very professional. He could not choose, and hated to lose either. He decided to try some counselling to see who he could help get a job elsewhere most easily, and who could more easily handle the move.

He called Mary into his office and began to explain the situation, but was talking around the problem.

"Herb, could you cut to the chase? What's this really about?" asked Mary.

Herb was a bit flustered, so he blurted out: "Things are coming to a head here in shipping due to the downsizing, Mary, so I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Oh, in that case, Herb, jack off. I need to get back to work!"

2. Charlie and Jack, some months later, went on a fishing trip with some of the folks in the shipping department. Herb couldn't make it, but he wished them the best of luck and told them to call him if they forgot anything, or if they needed any help.

Well, as luck would have it, the three SUV's pulling the three small boats got into a rather nasty wreck on a sliperry mountain road, end result being that the cars were driveable, but the boats, and their trailors were totally destroyed. It looked like the fishing trip was doomed. Charlie then suggested they wire Herb. They sent him a telegram, there being no internet access out there in the boondocks (work with me here) and it read:

Bad accident. Stop. Send two punts and a canoe or vacation will end with horrible effects on employee morale. Stop. Jack and Charlie.

The next morning they came to the post office and got the reply telegram:

Ladies hired and sent via bus to arrive tonight at ten Stop. What the hell is a panoe Stop Herb.

[Chaerophon]

Don't want to get into it - I'm not particularly fond of the old "French can't defend themselves" jokes by now. I've just been to France, spent a day in Verdun as well as the Somme. Definitely puts it all in perspective. Then you travel the back roads, skip the peage (freeway) and read the plaques as you go along, visiting churches in all of the small villages. Town after town after town. You know the story.