The Open: Open is NOT for cheaters!

[Occhidiangela]

In honor of The Open (called by some The Britsh Open) I would like to offer the positive thought that at least one Open venue is an anti-cheat arena. Golf > bnet!

I was pleased as punch to read in the paper this morning, after having watched Greg Norman's last 5 holes yesterday before I went to work, that he was under par and on the leader board with Davis Love III. Go get 'em Shark!!!!!!!!

Here are a few golf jokes, most of them old chestnuts, for your pleasure. The top 10 was passed to me by a fellow "Dogged Victim of Inexorable Fate"

*TOP 10 - BEST GOLF CADDIE REMARKS*

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

A few others not in the top ten:

Caddy one: "Your player's handicap."
Caddy two: "Four"
Caddy one: "Four? Must be an off day, Angus, he's hitting like a twenty-four or a thirty!
Caddy two: "Sorry, I misheard you, Caleb. His four handicaps are his stance, his grip, his backswing, and his follow through. Besides that, he gawffs passably well!"

Player: What do you think of my golf swing, Andrew?
Caddy: Oh, so that's what your calling what you just did to that seven iron?

Player: Do you think I can carry that bunker with this six iron?
Caddy: I'd say you are full, sir, since you've got half of the last two bunkers in your shoes.

Player: Which way does this putt break, Angus?
Caddy: I'd say that's a bit of a lottery, sir.

Player: I'm only two holes down with three to play, I think I'll press.
Caddy: Could you pay me now please, sir? I take cash, not IOU's.

Player: Isn't the pin in the back of the green? I want a seven iron, not an eight iron.
Caddy: It's in the back, sir, shall I head to the back bunker now, or would you rather hit the club I first gave you?

Player: FORE!
Caddy: He can't hear you, sir, we are into the wind, and you can't reach him anyway.

Player: Why have I played so badly today.
Caddy: Why, sir, 'tis your violation of the Three Sacred Rules of Gawff.
Player: What would those be, Andrew?
Caddy: Well, sir, Rule Number One is to Keep your Head down. Rule Number Two is to Remember to Keep Your Head Down. And rule number three is I Told You to Keep Your Tom Fool Head Down!
Player: I wish it really was that simple
Caddy: Indeed, sir, don't we all.

[pakman]

on a busy work day.

[[wcip]Angel]

Pure gold!

:lol:

[--Pete]

--Pete

[NuurAbSaal]

Funny stuff!

I just mailed this to a "gawffing" ( :) ) friend of mine, if he still plays like last year, he will have heard all of those by now :lol:


NuurAbSaal

[Occhidiangela]

To close out this thread:

Just as in this year's USGA Women's Open, a complete unknown came out of nowhere and won The Open today, one under par. He made a pure pressure par putt on 18 to keep it at one under. (Yeah, yeah, guilty of alliteration.)

The world's greatest and best all tried and failed on the back nine at Royal Saint George's golf club today: Tiger Woods, Thomas Bjorn, Nick Faldo, Vijay Singh,Davis Love III, Kenny Perry, Sergio Garcia. Even The Winner, a nice young fellow from Ohio named Ben Curtis, went from five under to one under on the back nine. 'Twas a brutal test of golf.

Mr Curtis, due to be married next month, has never won a professional tournament. His best finish ever was 13th at the Western Open in Chicago (where Tiger recently tied a tournament record.) The look on his fiancee's face when the last shot fell, leaving her hubby to be as Champion, was pure joy. I guess the wedding and honeymoon may be a bit more luxurious with that winner's check!

I watched all of the coverage today. Even for those who don't play golf, you could have cut the tension with a knife. It came down to the last hole for 7 of the 10 players in that last 5 groups.

Here's to the spirit of Carl Spackler, Caddyshack, and all of those Cinderalla Stories, all of those Kids Out of Nowhere:

Huzzah! :)

Guinness all around.

[jdirks]

thanks for the laughs!

I took one lesson and after watching my swing for 5 minutes the Pro said to me:


"I know what your trouble is Jim."

Full of hope that he could help solve 'it' I said, "And what's that?"

"You're standing much too close to the ball after you swing.", was his rpely.





*sigh* For that I was paying him $65/hour?!?!?!?

[Occhidiangela]

Based on email from a friend. Occhi comments included. I saw this elsewhere before.

Why is professional golf appealing to more fans? Is it the game, is it Nike, is it Tiger Woods, or is it something else? Whatever it is, the price of sh** is on the rise, again, in golf.

One golf lover sees it this way:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Occhinote: tell that to any amateur who has seen a playing partner use the old "foot wedge."

The PGA doesn't have some of its players in jail every week.

Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
(Not on the course anyway, but we will occasionally hit into the group in front of us if they are too slow!)

Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
While by and large it is true, big stars get some free money. Some golfers, like Tiger Woods, or Greg Norman and Curtis Strange in their primes, appear at some tournaments thanks to "appearance money."

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
(They do get courtesy rental cars at PGA tournaments.)

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
(No, but the sometimes gripe about the quality of the courtesy rental cars at PGA tournaments!)

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
No, they leave the munis to us scrubs. :)

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
And sometimes, if they do break a rule, a fan will call it in from TV land, and the golfer will get DQ'd and lose money. Paul Azinger and Craig Stadler are two famous examples.

The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30.

The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options - get rid of it or leave.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Of course, in Golf, the ball is just sitting there, not screaming towards your head at 95 MPH

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
No? The USGA has allowed ball and equipment specs to creep upwards, for its fans, most of whom are golfers! I'd call that changing the rules of golf, personally. Bring Back the Persimmon Driver!. I still have two.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

After four days, company, fish, and a flock of PGA players start to smell bad . . .

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
(Thank goodness! Craig Stadler Naked on National TV is a Bad Visual.)

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
You can see nice looking "birds" dancing at any NFL football game! :)

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
When Tiger Woods was a rookie, all you had to do was lip read if you wanted a primer on four letter words after a poor shot. He has since cleaned up his act.

Any pro golfer can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.
See MPH discussion above, and the laws of physics

Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

They do add to the "greenspace."

[pakman]

I have also seen that before. My mom's friend shared that with us.