When Was The Last Time . . .

[Occhidiangela]

. . . you looked forward to cutting the grass?

. . . a Scotsman looked at his wife and said "Darlin', does this kilt make me look fat?"

. . . a world champion boxer retired before he started embarassing himself in the ring?

. . . Rush Limbaugh thought something through before he opened his cake hole?

. . . Blizzard met a deadline?

. . . an Irishman said "this Island is big enough for all of us?"

. . . the Boston Red Sox didn't choke in the post season?

. . . a Arab in traditional attire asked his wife "Does this robe make me look fat?"

. . . the Dallas Cowboys won three games in a row?

. . . the dog didn't lick his balls in front of company?

. . . a politician understood and practiced leadership?

. . . a Hula dancer asked his wife "Does this grass skirt make me look fat?"

. . . an NCAA Division I team graduated 100% of its scholarship players?

. . . the vagaries in the price of a gallon of gasoline made any sense?

. . . you found a new locale when the last words on the phone were"You can't miss it?"

. . . you flossed your teeth without thinking that there must be something better to do with your time?

. . . you actually saw dental plaque?

. . . A woman actually asked her husband "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

I don't believe that last has ever happened. I have heard "how does this dress look" "does this dress look good on me" "is this dress good with these shoes" and "do you think this dress is my color" but I have never heard "Does this dress make me look fat" and I personally don't believe that any real live woman has ever uttered that question in real life: at least, not to her husband. I think it is one of the great urban legends, or the creation of some stand up comic. :D

What do you think?

Oh dear, free association has taken hold of me.


Ribald Poetry Included

Dice Material, proceed with caution

Dice as in Andrew Dice Clay

Ya know, that guy with a lousy attitude towards "chicks"

Yeah, that guy, the fella with the Brooklyn accent and all of the rhinestone leather

Yeah, the hero of The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the film whose only redeeming value was to see Wayne Newton set on fire, on film, by a lit Zambuco Shake.

That Dice

So, some folks may not want to continue.


Ya know, you folks who don't appreciate Ribald Humor. You know who you are. :)


Mary, Mary,
Quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
"What's it to you, snapperhead?"

[TaMeOlta]

. . . an Irishman said "this Island is big enough for all of us?"

. . . the Boston Red Sox didn't choke in the post season?

;) But in a facetious way :D

This island is big enough for all of us , and I'm keeping a close eye on those Sox :D ! If the island gets overcrowded , then the tribe can speak and we can snuff out a torch or two ;)

Go go Sox :D !

[ShadowHM]

I reached an agreement many years ago with the husband. He does not ask me which tie looks better and I don't ask him which dress looks better. Heck.....we stopped shopping for clothing together before that. Oh.....and since I never look fat in anything I wear (chronically skinny here) why bother asking if something made me look fat? Nothing ever does.

I have been firm in holding onto the mental image of that svelte and lanky man who stole my heart so long ago. Bless him, he knows this and would never try to shatter that rosy image by asking if he looks fat in anything. I might have to overcome the myopia of love and take a good look at him then, eh? :P

Looked forward to cutting the grass? You bet, if it gets me out of the cottage and away from the dishes ! Now that I can delegate either task, can you guess which one I would rather do? Peacefully wander up and down the yard in my own little world or listen to the sound of teenagers engaging in that wonderful passtime called 'No way am I going to do more than HIM."

Oh, and with respect to that "You can't miss it" kind of directions? Some things really CANNOT be missed. Things like the cottage with the toilet seat in the hedge? Or the lane with the six foot Inukshuk at the entrance? Cottage owners are a rare and wonderful breed. :rolleyes:

[Occhidiangela]

listen to the sound of teenagers engaging in that wonderful passtime called 'No way am I going to do more than HIM."

I just remind the whiner in such a dialogue that this family is not a democracy, it is an autocracy, I am the HMFIC, and said whiner just earned the right to do perform a hat trick. (This recently came up on the subject of "who scrups the pans after dinner" evolution.)

Such conversations are expected to crop up now and again, and in a few years, I get to reply with such witticisms as:

"I guess you don't get the keys to the car for two weeks, how does it feel to have shot yourself in the foot?"

Yes, Dad Rogues can be a Ogres, but it only happens when the whining starts.

[TaiDaishar]

Occhi, you make me love my parents (perants?) :)

[Bun-Bun]

. . . an Irishman said "this Island is big enough for all of us?"

When the prison ship docked at Australia? :)

[Leah_heartsword]

. . . Blizzard met a deadline?

They did with WarcraftIII: The Frozen Throne. :P

[Count Duckula]

"I guess you don't get the keys to the car for two weeks, how does it feel to have shot yourself in the foot?"

Are you just channeling my parents here or what? :P

I get a lot of the "does this (whatever) make me look fat?" because I live in a place where people actually care about that sort of thing. Really gets me pissy when some chick wearing a size I haven't in years asks me that. Of course, I always tell the truth. "Yes, it makes you look like an aircraft carrier. Don't be surprised if the planes overhead try to use you as a runway." Do I feel bad about it? For 0.2 seconds, yeah. But I figure if you're molding your life--and your wardrobe--around the opinions of others, you need every single shake-up I can give you. :D

(ROA is ~2 miles from campus, and we're considered scenic. Means lots of low-flying passenger jets and all the sound barrier/Yeager accompaniment.)

[Occhidiangela]

Yeah, and funny how Ned Kelly's famous quote seems to have been lost to the sands of either the time or the Outback. (NO, not the steakhouse!)

[DeeBye]

. . . A woman actually asked her husband "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

My wife asks me that once in a while. Every time she does, I snap my mouth shut and look at her with a dopey smile. I steadfastly refuse to answer such a loaded question on the grounds of "damned if ya do, damned if ya don't". I know better than to answer such things, and SHE knows that I know better.

It doesn't stop her from asking, though...


-DeeBye

[Occhidiangela]

Just being a parent.

It could happen to you, 20 years from now!

The really fun part is when you catch yourself saying stuff to your kids that you swore you never would. Occasional slamming of head into wall helps alleviate the stress from those instances, or sometimes you appreciate the profound wisdom of your own parents about 25 years too late. :)

[Gonaad the Barbarian]

Quote: "The really fun part is when you catch yourself saying stuff to your kids that you swore you never would. Occasional slamming of head into wall helps alleviate the stress from those instances, or sometimes you appreciate the profound wisdom of your own parents about 25 years too late."

Exactly. I'm going to paraphrase Samuel Clemens badly here but...
When I left home at 18 my father was an idiot. When I returned three years later I was amazed at how much he had learned.

Everything changes.

[Count Duckula]

My wife asks me that once in a while.

Anorexic collegemates are one thing, but significant others are quite another. Don't jjust sidestep the question--give an unexpected answer.

Next time she asks, look her straight in the eye and say "I think it makes you look unbelievably sexy."

I've used it, and it works. :o

Occhi: I found myself saying things to my hallmates I'd never say to anybody. I live by "if it's too loud, you're too old," but after hearing the exact same T.A.T.U. song four times in a row at 2AM cranked loud enough to be heard on Neptune, and the night before I had to drive 5 hours to my grandparent's house, I nearly broke their computer and gave 'em a sound tongue-lashing while I was at it. My hallmates looked at me like stunned bunnies. Me, the Countess of Musical Cacophony, telling them to shut the hell up? Yes. Swore I never would, but I did. All so I could drive to Tennessee for Grandma's corned beef. :)

[Occhidiangela]

Is worth driving 5 hours for, them tramps sure needed to turn that stuff down! :) I mean, that's some goo dcorned beef!

My own corned Beef Marinade, which then goes to a smoked on the barbq meal, is not to be pooh poohed, but I'd not insist anyone drive 5 hours to my house for it unless they also wanted free cold beer. :)

[Count Duckula]

Is worth driving 5 hours for, them tramps sure needed to turn that stuff down! :)  I mean, that's some good corned beef!

Good corned beef, marvelous pork chops and potatoes au gratin, superb spaghetti with the family's secret recipe sauce...and tomorrow I drive five hours for diarhetic pasta sauce, limp lettuce leaves, and a sh*t-ton of homework I "forgot" to bring with me. Where's the justice in this world? :unsure:

When was the last time you actually looked forward to college cafeteria cooking?

[--Pete]

Hi,

When was the last time you actually looked forward to college cafeteria cooking?

After a week of warming cans of chili, hash, etc. in a sink. Don't ask, long story :)

--Pete

[Count Duckula]

After a week of warming cans of chili, hash, etc. in a sink.  Don't ask, long story :)

Meh. If it had been Doc, he would have been doing some methane experimentation. :P (I used to think of Doc as a "Doctor Dolittle" type with his animal farm and tame fox. Now all I can think of is a Jeff Foxworthy routine about farts. Sorry Doc.)

...and what was tonight's dinner? Sandwiches. :(

[Drasca]

My parents would be the ogre's schoolmaster. No keys to the car privilidges? No keys or car access period. Nor help in getting a job. They just laughed when I even mentioned it. So, self-initiative it is. Start student banking account, check. Job? Check (by direct deposit, two weeks from now). Paying for everything else parents consider frivolous spending, check. Car in xx years and counting (down). Check. Self-reliance takes its toll charge at the door. You pay that price willingly when you find yourself unsupported.

Occhi's a nice ogre. He only lets out the alligators when there's something to snap at. "Do me a favor and feed snappy." -- Red Dwarf, Stoke me a clipper.

[Drasca]

But same feeling here. Cafeteria food looks gooOOod when you're weak. The fridge is low again. Its not bad, but its going to be one of those weeks where I'll be on a .5 - 1.5 food type diet. How does something qualify as .5 of a food type? Ask others about what semi-foods they've eaten. Some things don't exactly qualify as food, not when they're charred, burned, refrozen several times, rewashed, and left in the cabinet or fridge until a new species has consumed most of what used to be food. If you haven't eaten non-food, don't ask too many questions unless you want a stomach hurl.

[Saxywoo]

Ah, but from my days back at the wonderful Carry Quad dormitory cafeteria at Purdue University (Yeah, Bolty, the chicken school), I always found it amusing to watch the "evolution of food" - particularly the potatos.

Monday - Baked Potatos
Tuesday - Boiled Potatos
Wednesday - Diced Potatos
Thursday - Mashed Potatos
Friday - Garlic Mashed Potatos

It's like they kept making the actual potatos easier to choke down than the day before.

Now that I'm in the workplace, and have worked in places that have cafeterias that are managed by the catering service of some place (Aramark, Mariot), it's not that bad. In fact, I actually would look forward to it from time to time.

Pete: When you mentioned warming "hash" in the sink, I really hope that you were referring to something like corned beef hash... :D

A twist on Thanksgiving dinner:
For those of you that have or haven't tried it, when you can, get a turkey fryer. All you really need is a 32 quart stock pot, a bunsen burner from hell and stand, and about 6 gallons of peanut oil. Always juicy, always really good. But I suggest getting a whole turkey, and not just a turkey breast. Takes 3-4 minutes a pound, and you can do it in your garage if you have neighbors that you don't like who have an apartment above your garage. Nothing like making someone's house smell like cooking oil for a week after you fry a turkey.....you get a great meal, and they have to smell it for a week.....