06-22-2005, 01:36 PM
This may be a huge mistake, but I'm posting it anyway. Please do not whisper me in game, please don't send PM's with helpful information. If I want to talk with you directly about it, I will.
I've been suffering from a very crippling mental disorder. I wasn't able to leave my house from about early April till the middle of May. I'm getting treated for it now. I can't work right now, though I'm still employed thanks to the Family Medical Leave Act, but I have no income. I can leave the house now with medication. I can actually talk with my family on the phone again (something I couldn't do before). I can talk with more people online than I used to be able to without freaking out. Taking a shower is no longer a terrifying proposition. I can post and read here without taking pills before hand or closing my eyes while I type or copying and pasting from notepad. I am still freaked out when I try to shave so I have a beard now. I can do dishes but not laundry. I can clean the kitchen, but not the bathrooms. There are other completely random things that I can or can't do.
My doctors know about me playing WoW, we are using it as part of the treatment. It isn't escapism like it was back in April.
I still can't play horde. I still get panic attacks when I try to. I still sometimes get attacks when I play with new people. I can usually listen on Teamspeak but I can't talk on there sometimes. I will sometimes be playing and just crying for no reason that I can tell but I don't say anything and most of the time it passes and I have fun again and usually after something like that other things in life become easier. This is why I talk to my doctors about it, this is why we think the game can be part of the treatment.
Tal, Sabra, and Ruvanal have known about this condition for awhile. NSD and Swirly have known but for not as long. They have made excuses for me in the game at times. I'm sorry for that. You don't have to anymore. I thank you again for all your support. You guys have been wonderful and helpful. You all knew when to step in. You all knew when to step out.
For those who still don't know, Treesh and I are married. This condition has put her under stress, but she is an incredible person and has been the biggest support I could ask for, this has not affected our marriage at all. :D But it has affected her life too. I'm not speaking for her, I'm not making excuses for anyone. I'm just saying I know it's been a stressor for her.
So if I've had some odd behaviors in game that is part of it. I've stuck out some groups that I shouldn't have because it set me back but I didn't want to mess up other peoples fun. I'm not doing that anymore either. I'm telling you all right now that I might not be reliable. Some days I know are going to be bad. Some days I know I will be fine. I will let you know if you group with me which it will be so you can decide.
I don't want any special treatment. I don't want sympathy. That won't help me, that may hurt me. If I get a panic attack and have to leave a group you have a right to be mad at me for it. I won't join a group on a bad day, unless you put me in a non critical roll. I don't want to mess up anyone else's fun. That being said, I hope you will forgive me later.
Again the very last thing I want right now is a bunch of whispers saying "I'm sorry to hear about this" or "Have you tried this?" or other advice or well wishes or "hey I've had that problem too you'll get through it". I know that from the interactions that I have had with you people that you are already wishing me well or keeping me in your prayers. I do appreciate it. I just don't want it in the game right now. If you want to PM that's fine, just make sure the subject is clear. People being so supportive can make me break down too, but usually I'm happy afterwards.
I just don't want to ruin other peoples fun anymore and I'm well enough to come out and talk about it now. I still would like to play the game and again there are days when I'm completely normal. I take those days to go to the store call family and work with work and my doctors and have a lot of fun playing WoW. Other days not so much. All of you have been helpful in some way, even if you didn't know it. I thank you for that.
So anyway that is that. I'm a nutjob, but I'm getting better. This may not flow well, it may have a lot of typos, I can't bring myself to edit it, and I've been crying (mostly happy that I can post this) for a lot of it. But there you go.
I've been suffering from a very crippling mental disorder. I wasn't able to leave my house from about early April till the middle of May. I'm getting treated for it now. I can't work right now, though I'm still employed thanks to the Family Medical Leave Act, but I have no income. I can leave the house now with medication. I can actually talk with my family on the phone again (something I couldn't do before). I can talk with more people online than I used to be able to without freaking out. Taking a shower is no longer a terrifying proposition. I can post and read here without taking pills before hand or closing my eyes while I type or copying and pasting from notepad. I am still freaked out when I try to shave so I have a beard now. I can do dishes but not laundry. I can clean the kitchen, but not the bathrooms. There are other completely random things that I can or can't do.
My doctors know about me playing WoW, we are using it as part of the treatment. It isn't escapism like it was back in April.
I still can't play horde. I still get panic attacks when I try to. I still sometimes get attacks when I play with new people. I can usually listen on Teamspeak but I can't talk on there sometimes. I will sometimes be playing and just crying for no reason that I can tell but I don't say anything and most of the time it passes and I have fun again and usually after something like that other things in life become easier. This is why I talk to my doctors about it, this is why we think the game can be part of the treatment.
Tal, Sabra, and Ruvanal have known about this condition for awhile. NSD and Swirly have known but for not as long. They have made excuses for me in the game at times. I'm sorry for that. You don't have to anymore. I thank you again for all your support. You guys have been wonderful and helpful. You all knew when to step in. You all knew when to step out.
For those who still don't know, Treesh and I are married. This condition has put her under stress, but she is an incredible person and has been the biggest support I could ask for, this has not affected our marriage at all. :D But it has affected her life too. I'm not speaking for her, I'm not making excuses for anyone. I'm just saying I know it's been a stressor for her.
So if I've had some odd behaviors in game that is part of it. I've stuck out some groups that I shouldn't have because it set me back but I didn't want to mess up other peoples fun. I'm not doing that anymore either. I'm telling you all right now that I might not be reliable. Some days I know are going to be bad. Some days I know I will be fine. I will let you know if you group with me which it will be so you can decide.
I don't want any special treatment. I don't want sympathy. That won't help me, that may hurt me. If I get a panic attack and have to leave a group you have a right to be mad at me for it. I won't join a group on a bad day, unless you put me in a non critical roll. I don't want to mess up anyone else's fun. That being said, I hope you will forgive me later.
Again the very last thing I want right now is a bunch of whispers saying "I'm sorry to hear about this" or "Have you tried this?" or other advice or well wishes or "hey I've had that problem too you'll get through it". I know that from the interactions that I have had with you people that you are already wishing me well or keeping me in your prayers. I do appreciate it. I just don't want it in the game right now. If you want to PM that's fine, just make sure the subject is clear. People being so supportive can make me break down too, but usually I'm happy afterwards.
I just don't want to ruin other peoples fun anymore and I'm well enough to come out and talk about it now. I still would like to play the game and again there are days when I'm completely normal. I take those days to go to the store call family and work with work and my doctors and have a lot of fun playing WoW. Other days not so much. All of you have been helpful in some way, even if you didn't know it. I thank you for that.
So anyway that is that. I'm a nutjob, but I'm getting better. This may not flow well, it may have a lot of typos, I can't bring myself to edit it, and I've been crying (mostly happy that I can post this) for a lot of it. But there you go.
---
It's all just zeroes and ones and duct tape in the end.
It's all just zeroes and ones and duct tape in the end.
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