My car is travelling back in time

[DeeBye]

As a responsible and law-abiding motorist, I must abide by Ontario's Drive Clean laws. Essentially, if a car is over three years old and under twenty years old, Ontario residents must have an emissions test performed on their car every two years. If your car fails the test, you cannot renew your license plates.

The emissions test ensures that cars do not pollute the environment any more than is absolutely necessary. It's a good program and I support it wholeheartedly.

Today I took my car in for an emissions test. My plates expire next month, and I wanted to give myself some time just in case I needed some engine work done in the event that my car failed the test. I've been quite nervous about the testing process because my car is a 1987 Toyota Camry. It's been very well maintained, but it's still a 17 year old car. I have been fretting over the possiblilty of it failing the test and requiring some costly engine maintenance.

I fidgetted and paced while my car was hooked up to the testing machine. It was a lot like being in a hospital. The patient had all sorts of tubes and hoses hooked up to every oriface, and was being monitored by guys in white lab coats and various machines. I was half-expecting someone to come bursting into the waiting room yelling, "Congratulations, you are now the father of a 2004 Tercell!" and handing me a comically large cigar.

Well, that didn't happen and the testing process ended with little fanfare. The machine beeped and that was it. They drove the car around to the front of the shop and handed me the keys.

Nervously, I asked "Did I win?"

The white-coated wrench-jockey said "Yeah, you did fine" and handed me the readout. I paid the fee and went home feeling quite proud of myself (and my car).

I (or rather, my car) passed the emissions test with flying colours. My car kicked that emissions testing machine's ass all over the place.

I compared the results of the test with the results of the testing done two years ago, and was dumbfounded. My car produces less pollution now. It wasn't just a little bit less either. My car now emits 1/3rd of harmful pollution than it did two years ago, on average.

With this data I have come to the following two conclusions. These are the only two logical conclusions I could possibly come up with given the overwhelming evidence.

1. My car is travelling back in time.


Despite not having had any major powertrain maintenance performed on my car over the past two years, my car is somehow producing less polluting emissions. The only logical conclusion is that it is travelling back in time. This is a conclusion not supported by my odometer, but I suspect that the odometer is jealous because it has nothing to do with my car's super-clean emissions. All it does is sit there and count, the lazy bastard.

While a time-travelling car sounds like a great thing to possess, please keep in mind that my car can only travel back in time, and does so at a constant rate. One day my car will revert into its constituent elements and all I'll be left with is a hunk of iron ore in my parking spot.

2. My car will soon produce negative pollution.

(I don't have a witty image to insert like I did for the last part. Apologies abound.)

I have unscientifically plotted out the pollution emitted by my '87 Camry over time. When I extrapolate into the future, it becomes quite clear to me that my car will produce negative pollution (I like to call it "anti-pollution") sometime next late next year.

Quite simply, my car will actually start cleaning polluted air as I drive around. This may be accompanied by a fragrant, hypo-allergenic scent, but I am unable to determine if it will be floral or fruit-based.

I fully expect that the air freshener industry will soon be hounding me for a consumer license, but I am already taking steps to patent my discovery. Production of the 1/100th scale anti-pollution '87 Toyota Camrys should on the market in time for Christmas.

[WarLocke]

(I don't have a witty image to insert like I did for the last part. Apologies abound.)

WHAT? No image? Darn you, darn you to heck!

Nice post, though. Although maybe you should have used an E/N tag? :P

[ShadowHM]

I don't drive new cars. I drive my cars until the next repair job is just not worth it. I just dropped $4000 into my 1996 Chrysler mini-van because it was worth it to have a re-built engine put in, compared to the cost of another 'new to me' vehicle. (Damn, but blowing head gaskets is a pain. I didn't even know what the damn things were until I blew them. My life with cars has been an adventure of finding out how they work by dint of having each part go on one old car or another. :o )

Nail-biting during the emissions test is part of the process. :D

And congrats on the spectacular results.

[Vandiablo]

Excellent post, and thank you for your environmental concern and future remediation.

I may have a boring anectode to add but (un)fortunately I have homework and housework to do. However, I will comment on this:

This is a conclusion not supported by my odometer

Evidently you don't realize that an odometer only measures absolute value. Just as you cannot go in reverse and decrease the odometer, you cannot go backward in time and decrease it either. Doing reverse in either spacial or temporal dimensions just adds to the odometer.

(The same is true for aging-- you only get about 70 years of life no matter where you go on the time scale.)

[Rhydderch Hael]

"(I don't have a witty image to insert like I did for the last part. Apologies abound.)"

Nonertheless, your first image is still apt to the second conclusion, considering that Mr. Fusion there eats garbage for fuel...

[Nystul]

"The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style."

[channel1]

I think the test equipment is screwy.

I got my '89 Olds tested in January for the first time. The report came back flat, all emissions at zero. nada. nil.

I haven't converted it to electric yet, and I did have the muffler attached before the test, so they would have a tailpipe to connect to.

By the way, in case smeone is worried about a sky-high bill to get their car to pass the test, there is a $200 ceiling on repairs to pass. That is, you get the test ($35), it fails, you spend $200 on repairs to improve the emissions, get a second test ($17.50), and if it doesn't meet the standards you still get your sticker. Two years later, you would need to spend up to another $200 to get it up to spec.

-rcv-

[Selby]

Various environmental changes can affect your emissions. If your car is warmed up completely it can produce less emissions, the weather can change emissions readouts as well. You also have a Japanese car with a rather small engine, chances are the worry about emissions for your car is small. Now if it were an American v8, you would need to worry and tune...

[DeeBye]

Various environmental changes can affect your emissions.  If your car is warmed up completely it can produce less emissions, the weather can change emissions readouts as well.  You also have a Japanese car with a rather small engine, chances are the worry about emissions for your car is small.

I refuse to acknowledge any theory that does not involve a time-travelling car.

[NiteFox]

Then if you do posess a time-travelling car, could find some way to prevent my car skidding on that patch of black ice Thursday a fortnight ago? It'd save me having to look for a new car now.

:)

[Jeunemaitre]

Various environmental changes can affect your emissions.  If your car is warmed up completely it can produce less emissions, the weather can change emissions readouts as well.

The other thing that can effect the emissions of a vehicle, aside from it travelling back in time, is the quality and type of additives in the fuel you're using at the time of the test. If you've switched fueling stations in the past two years, this may have something to do with the differences you observed in the reports. However, I think the time travel explanation is the most likely in this case.

[DeeBye]

Here is a really grainy picture of my time-travelling, anti-pollution emitting car. I just came across it as I was browsing my My Pictures folder whilst looking for a picture of The Amazing Mumford I recall saving.

Can you see how jealous the Cadillac parked next to my '87 Camry is?


Here is a super bonus picture of The Amazing Mumford.

[Sir_Die_alot]

If I ever see someone with that licence plate for real I will "ROTFLMAO".

[LochnarITB]

Wow, that is really in nice shape for an '87. It must never have been anywhere near salty roads or air. Please, please tell me that is your real license plate and not a doctored picture. That would be perfect.

[DeeBye]

Wow, that is really in nice shape for an '87.  It must never have been anywhere near salty roads or air.  Please, please tell me that is your real license plate and not a doctored picture.  That would be perfect.

I am sorry to say that I did indeed doctor the license plate :(

Even though I live in southern Ontario (where salty roads are aplenty in the winter), my car is in better shape than any '87 I've ever seen. As of right now, it has just a tick over 108,000 kilometers on it. That's about 67,000 miles for you backwards-thinking Imperial people. For a 17-year old car, that's quite amazing. And yes, it's all original mileage.

I've heard that the average car gains about 20,000 kilometers (12,000 miles) per year. My car would have about 340,000 kilometers (211,000 miles) if it was "average".

I bought the car about a year ago from my grandfather (aged 92 at the time). He decided he didn't need to drive anymore. There was a bit of a frenzy when he made that declaration, as I have a very large family and it seemed like everyone wanted to buy his car. I was lucky enough to "win" the sweepstakes. More on that if you're interested.

The car had less than 100,000 km (62,000 miles) when I took ownership of it. It was also immaculate. My grandfather took amazing care of his car. There is not a spot of rust anywhere, and the engine is so clean you could eat off of it.

[Rhydderch Hael]

Seriously, the answer may be gas, gas, baby.

Bad gas first time, good gas next time.

[LochnarITB]

There really is no way to say that any one thing contributed to the better emmissions. Although I never applied it to an occupation, my college degree was in mechanical engineering and the emphasis was on power and propulsion. I had a bunch of classes on what happens inside the engine. Combustion is a very complicated chemical process. Super computers have been focused on modeling the process to try to truly understand it. Things such as fuel, impurities and mixture go into the results. The vessel for the combustion (the cylinder, piston and head) also affect it. The movement caused by head geometry can promote better consumption of the fuel resulting in a cleaner burn. One other thing that I suspect may have happened in your case is buildup. Byproducts like carbon and impurities cake on the piston and the head. This can cause hot spots which provide extra latent heat which further affects the chemistry. If I remember right, the emmission most affected in this scenario is nitrous oxide. Also, as the engine wears, the rings can actually do a better job of seating meaning that fewer molecules of oil remain to be burned off when the mixture fires.

Of course, it could also be that the techs didn't push the right button, but I do like the time traveling theory better. If you can influence the time travel of vehicles, could you please warp my Honda CRX back out of the junk yard and to a point prior to the drivers side floor pan disappearing and the rear bumper falling off? It would be much appreciated.

[Nystul]

Seriously, the answer may be gas, gas, baby.

Bad gas first time, good gas next time.

If bad gas can make you fail the test, be sure you don't eat at WhiteCastle before taking your car in!

Hmmm, does WhiteCastle exist in Canada?

[DeeBye]

Hmmm, does WhiteCastle exist in Canada?

No. Am I missing something good?

[DeeBye]

If you can influence the time travel of vehicles, could you please warp my Honda CRX back out of the junk yard and to a point prior to the drivers side floor pan disappearing and the rear bumper falling off?  It would be much appreciated.

Sorry, you'll have to wait in line. I'm trying to get my old '81 VW Rabbit out of the junkyard first. I always loved that car.