For the Guy in your life

[mistique]

Completely off topic, wrong place and 100% correct!!!

Funny as hell too.

Mist

>The Guys' Rule
>At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
>Finally, the guys' side of the story.
>(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
>We always hear " the rules"
>From the female side.
>
>Now here are the rules from the male side.
>These are our rules!
>Please note... these are all numbered "1"
>ON PURPOSE!
>1. Men are NOT mind readers.
>
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
>You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>We need it up, you need it down.
>You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
>
>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
>or the changing of the tides.
>Let it be.
>
>1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
>And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
>
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>
>1. Ask for what you want.
>Let us be clear on this one:
>Subtle hints do not work!
>Strong hints do not work!
>Obvious hints do not work!
>Just say it!
>
>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
>we do.
>Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
> See a doctor.
>
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
>
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
>act like soap opera guys.
>
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
>Don't ask us.
>
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes
>you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
>
>1. You can either ask us to do something
>Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
>If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>
>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
>commercials.
>
>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
>Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour . Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
>have no idea what mauve is.
>
>1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
>We do that.
>
>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
>nothing's wrong.
>We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know
>you will bring it up again later.
>
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
>don't want to hear.
>
>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
>Really.
>
>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
>discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
>or golf.
>
>1. You have enough clothes.
>
>1. You have too many shoes.
>
>1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
>
>1. Thank you for reading this.
>Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
>
>
>But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
>
>Pass this to as many men as you can -
>to give them a laugh.
>
>Pass this to as many women as you can -
>to give them a bigger laugh

[Frag]

Something amiss, Mav? :P

~Frag

[Tal]

Completely off topic, wrong place

You're right. Moved to the Lounge.;)

[Magix]

:lol: Absolutely!!! :w00t:

**cough** I mean great laugh!! ...needed that:)

[Munkay]

:lol:

Thanks for a great laugh.

Cheers,

Munk

[Occhidiangela]

Would you consider formatting that to look like something other than hammered, cut and paste crap? Something like this:

The Guys' Rule

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Occhi

[ima_nerd]

Haha, saved:D

[Kevin]

Would you consider formatting that to look like something other than hammered, cut and paste crap? Something like this:

Occhi

Well his intended audience was the Lurkers who play WoW on the Terenas realm (which was why it was in the WoW Meeting Stone forum originally). We just looked at the formatting as his silly Aussie accent that we have come to know and love. :)

I also think some (not all) of the format (minus the carrots of course) choices were intentional, even if I don't think the emphasis they provide are good or needed in most cases, but I think some of the choices were intentional to try and increase the impact.

As an example

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Left multi-line creates a longer pause after reading each statement, which can be viewed as a pause for effect on the colon and an emphatic gesture on the exclamation points. This effect can certainly be achieved without the multi-line formatting, but the multi-line and the punctuation does lend to that being more obvious. Does a silly little work of humor like this need it? Nah. But it does help achieve it.

*The whole point of this post was to rib on Mist's accent, because he's too good a guy to not get ribbed about something. :) We just like to rib on him about being on the odd side of the world. :) All of that other stuff about formatting was just added because I felt like arguing about something and creating a potential tangent because tangents are fun! :)

(Don't mind me I'm just letting me broken brain do it's thing today mostly unfiltered, the use of me instead of my earlier in this sentence was in fact intentional as well.)

[[wcip]Angel]

I read this one elsewhere on the interweb. Good chuckle:)

never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that ##### knows I'm smarter than her.

[Frag]

Angel' date='Jul 5 2007, 07:41 AM' post='132789']
I read this one elsewhere on the interweb. Good chuckle:)

For some reason, that reminded me of this:

[Griselda]

Could you please edit your post to remove the offensive language in the last sentence?

Thanks.

Angel' date='Jul 5 2007, 06:41 AM' post='132789']
I read this one elsewhere on the interweb. Good chuckle:)

[Mavfin]

Something amiss, Mav? :P

~Frag

Removed personal info from the post:D

[[wcip]Angel]

Apologies. I wasn't thinking.

[Alram]

Men speak (and think, mostly, but that is another rant) in something like C. It's low-level, precise and efficient. Women, on the other hand, speak in something like Java. It does more per statement, requires interpreting on every machine by a Java Virtual Machine (JVM) and loses performance overhead like there's no tomorrow.

What do I mean by this? Let me examine men first. In the absence of women, men often resort to grunting as a form of communication. A grunt clearly correlates to a 1, and no grunt clearly correlates to a 0. We have a 1 and a 0, we got binary!

But seriously, let me take the three adjectives I used above to prove men speak in C. The three are "low-level, precise and efficient." I can prove the middle with one shot. Remember my question above? It had two clearly defined (even named) answers, and it clearly should have been answered with one of them. Right there, my question was precise in both form and expected answer. It was clearly a runtime error to get a text string return type.

Or how about "low-level" and "efficient"? The two go hand-in-hand. When I say, "I need to go to the store," I mean "I need to go to the store." There really is not a simpler way to define the need. That's a low-level definition. Do I imply anything by the statement? Am I really trying to tell you you look fat? NO! I am merely telling you about my need. And since my entire intention in communicating was phrased in that one easy to understand sentence, it is efficient. There are no wasted words. It takes exactly zero processor overhead to interpret the sentence, for there is no interpretation that needs done. And no overhead is the same thing as efficiency.

And what about women? Well, I have not forgotten them. I explained that women's language "does more per statement, requires interpreting on every machine by a Java Virtual Machine (JVM) and loses performance overhead like there's no tomorrow." Notice that I cannot even simplify the characteristics of their language without using lengthy phrases. For men's C, I used three adjectives, one of which was hyphenated. See a pattern yet?

Women's Java does more per statement, so it appears to be a higher powered language. Note that this is directly antagonistic to the low-level quality of men's C. Women have perfected the art of telling volumes of detail in a few sentences. They are so good that they can communicate whole sentences of men's C by body language. Rumor has it that women shuck the spoken word completely when men are not around and simply communicate by subtle eye motions and throat clearings. I can neither confirm nor deny these rumors, as I am never around a group of women who have no men around. Go figure.

Anyway, on to the next characteristic. Women's Java requires interpretation to something like men's C by every listener. This ties in very closely to the above point about high/low level of language. This system, you would think, is doomed to failure because meaning is decided separately by every listener. More on this later. Suffice to say (in this paragraph) that this is the source of unending communication problems between men and women.

Last we have that women's Java loses performance overhead. Men can speak sentences on end, and the listeners are ready for more right afterwards. Why? Because no time is spent on interpreting his words. Women, however, can say something that takes days to interpret. This is commonly referred to as "playing hard to get." She says "no," but she really means "Yes, and bring a dozen daises with you next time. I promise I will be surprised if I get them. Otherwise, I will be despondent because you OBVIOUSLY do not know how to take a 'no'." Clearly, the average male can spend days or even weeks to decode this, for the real answer has absolutely nothing at all to do with the words used to communicate the answer. In the extreme case, men simply grow sluggish in their movements and stop making sense because their mind is taken by trying to understand what she said. A few have even been known to die because the interpretation process goes into an infinite loop and takes away all processing time. This language CLEARLY loses performance overhead.

But wait! There's more!

Can we explain the problems of communicating between the sexes based on the hypothesis of men's C and women's Java? You had better believe we can!

Let's take men's C and its ability to be efficient. Many men are so used to being efficient that excess information or processing is abhorrent to them. For example, every month or so, my mother tells me the details of a situation I neither care about, will ever care about or will remember tomorrow. Usually, I ask why I got all this worthless data. Now, get this, she answers, "I just thought you might want to know." I might want to know? When in the last 20 years of my existence (which is all of it) have I even hinted that I wanted to know information about things irrelevant to me? NEVER! Now we change roles and see what happens:

"I_D (she calls me by my real name, actually), how was school today?"

"Fine."

See, I so love efficient speech that I culled all the worthless, irrelevant data out of my day to minimize the stress I would put my mom through hearing about my day. But is she thankful? Does she kiss my feet? NO! She wants more detail! The very detail I omitted because it doesn't matter to her! Problem is, I omitted it so hard I forgot it. Come on, though. I basically sorted all the junk mail out of her mailbox and she wants to know what I sorted out. This might explain the phenomenon of the ubiquity of junk mail, but that's another rant.

But the wonder of my hypothesis goes way beyond explaining those two stereotypical male/female communication issues. You see, the real core of men's C is low-level, efficient statements. The real core of women's Java is high-level, interpreted (inefficient) statements. They are clearly incompatible with each other.

Take the above sample men's C sentence, "I need to go to the store." Another man hears this as "I need to go to the store." He does this because he presumes the words mean exactly what they literally mean. A woman, however, often hears the sentence and thinks it's really women's Java. Thus, she hears:

"I am offering you a golden opportunity to tell me whatever you need at the store. Whatever you tell me, I will pick up. And I will pick up the right kind, even though you never told me which 'the right kind' is. Furthermore, I will stroll through the aisles looking for great sales and stock up on products we are already stocked up on. Lastly, I will wait happily here beside the door for several minutes with keys in hand and shoes on feet waiting for you to gather your list."

The study of language is amazing, is it not? This one men's C statement, if interpreted through a women's JVM (more on different JVM's later) turns into a monstrous paragraph of detailed intentions that a normal man would not think of ever. Even if he sat down and tried to generate all that detail, his inherent bent on efficiency and irrelevant data culling would preclude him from making all that.

And, I might add, the problem goes in reverse as well. Men try, Lord love them, to understand statements in women's Java as though they are men's C. When she says, "Do I look fat?" she is not looking for a boolean, integer or floating point answer. If she gets one, she generates what might be euphemistically called a "stack overflow". My own personal interpretation of this question is, "I hate you and am trying to find an excuse to do so." When she says, "How in love were you with other women before you met me?" well, I have no clue what the answer is supposed to be. You'd have to ask a woman.

But we men don't admit defeat that easily! No! We try on helplessly for many years trying to build our own JVM. Note that the perfect version of the JVM is inside every woman's brain somewhere. Men do not have that or anything like that. Thus, men build up their own sets of interpretations of women's Java statements into men's C statements. I gave one of mine above about the notorious "fat" question. One problem is, women's Java is context-sensitive: it means different things in different settings or with different tones. Another problem is that men can only build their JVM's one statement at a time in a trial-and-error process. These two problems clearly prohibit men from ever completely understanding women's Java.

[DeeBye]

Take the above sample men's C sentence, "I need to go to the store." Another man hears this as "I need to go to the store." He does this because he presumes the words mean exactly what they literally mean. A woman, however, often hears the sentence and thinks it's really women's Java. Thus, she hears:

"I am offering you a golden opportunity to tell me whatever you need at the store. Whatever you tell me, I will pick up. And I will pick up the right kind, even though you never told me which 'the right kind' is. Furthermore, I will stroll through the aisles looking for great sales and stock up on products we are already stocked up on. Lastly, I will wait happily here beside the door for several minutes with keys in hand and shoes on feet waiting for you to gather your list."

My wife does this to me all the time :(

I'll need to go to the nearest convenience store to pick up something simple like a loaf of bread or milk or something, and the next thing I know she's going over store flyers, handing me coupons, and writing lists. A 5 minute trip to the store just turned into a 2 hour excursion covering 20 miles and half a dozen stops, not including putting gas the car because it just dropped below half a tank and she hates that. AND GOD HELP ME IF I MISS SOMETHING!

[Munkay]

haha, java!

... wait, what?

:P

[Skky]

Mist,

That is great! LOL! Very true as well (almost everything). Women get on MY damn nerves and I am one! Sham has broken me of most of the bad habits girls have though. But, he's just a soap opera kind of guy. :wub:

Cheers!

§kky

[Taem]

humm, must have missed this the first time around. Very funny :lol:. I got a good laugh out of it. Can't wait to show it too my wife - she will find a lot of truth in it to be sure!