*slaps forehead*

[Obi2Kenobi]

(Sorry for stealing this idea, DeeBye)

I finally scroll down on my inbox (I am using a pathetic monitor, 640x480 max resoultion), and I see the words "Invite 5 friends
to Gmail" in red... So, I'm going to make a competition for (a la Deebye) 4 of them (1 goes to one of my few RL friends). So, the competition is...


Movie Scripts that didn't make it

Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and if you don't, 11 sumo wrestlers will come to your house and have a "discussion" with you [involving guns and baseball bats]), is to make me laugh with a failed movie script. It can be from a movie that exists, or one you made up yourself. It can be a one liner, a scene, or even a whole (short) movie. Heck, it can even just be a title.

For the judging, I will decide. If I can't decide (a tie among the losers of the winners and all), I will consult my toaster. Mods may enter, but they may also win. :)

It goes without saying (but I'm going to say it anyway), no plagarizing. I will Google it up (I am a grandmaster of Google-fu), and I also watch Whose Line is it, Anyway?

So, now that that's all said, commence! (I'll even start it off with one of my own).

Darth Vader (to Luke): Who's yo` daddy?

[Rhydderch Hael]

I'm not in this for the prize. It's art, baby.

Santa and the Christmas Ninjas
In 1986, the CEOs of several big-name toy companies came to a decision: eliminate their long-standing philanthropic competitor, Santa Claus. They would assassinate the jolly fat man and assure their iron grip on the holiday toy season for all time.

Meanwhile at the North Pole, Santa's not feeling all too well about the changing times and is becoming disheartened by a slagging work force of disgruntled elves, a troubled marriage with Mrs. Claus, and the fact that the Christmas spirit is waning from childrens' hearts. But, he summons enough resolve to make one more Christmas run with his sleigh and reindeer.

On Christmas Eve— several F-15 fighters under the employ of the toy companies make a combat air patrol over the polar ice cap and attempt to intercept and shoot down Santa. They manage to get a lock-on and fire their missiles. Santa tries to evade the incoming, and in doing so his hitch to the reindeer team breaks and the unpowered sleigh plummets to earth while the flying reindeer scatter and avoid the missile fire.

Santa crashes into an isolated fishing village in Japan, where he is first captured by a ninja clan, reluctantly nursed back to health, and both Santa and the ninjas start a long process of gaining each other's understanding and friendship. Santa teaches the ninjas the joys of childhood mirth and gift-giving, and the ninjas teach Santa how to fight and snap a man's neck with just three fingers.

Meanwhile in the rest of the world, everyone is mourning and lamenting the loss of Santa Claus. At the North Pole, he's listed as MIA, but no one holds hope. The toy companies revel in the apparent death of their rival, and the world wonders about next Christmas.

All this time Santa is training and preparing with the ninjas for next Christmas' inevitable showdown, and by the time the holidays roll around again, Santa is ready to fight and the ninjas are going to back him up. The ninjas are going to act as Santa's helpers and deliver presents to the children of the world (delivered the only way ninjas know how). And the kids on the Naughty list get a real special Christmas lesson.

And there's the climactic confrontation between Santa and the toy company execs, rescuing the hostages (elves and Mrs. Claus) the businessmen have taken, and the unveiling of the soon-to-be famous "Sword of the Fat Man" katana decorated in a grip wrap of red and white. And when it's all over, Santa and his clan have a renewed sense of Christmas joy and the movie ends in the warm-n-fuzzy celebration that any good 80's movie finishes off with.

[Rhydderch Hael]

Then there's my plans for an animated TV action series, The Adventures of the Nuclear Coyote.

Vegas, baby. Needs a superhero. Spidey's got New York, Batman's got Gotham. Las Vegas' newest superhero of derring-do is The Nuclear Coyote, a mutated desert animal born in the irradiated wastes of a Nevada atomic bomb testing range. He walks. He talks. He gambles. He loves Sinatra music. He has certain impulse-control problems. And a desire to fight crime (super-strength and coyote-like senses help him there) but is handicapped by some seriously deluded perceptions of the nefarious criminal element.

In other words, he has this obsessive compulsion to suspect elderly folk and cute children of being super-villians, and acts against them accordingly.

Originally captured by the Air Force and held at Area 51, "Nukey" (as he is called by Dr. Brenda Trewilliger, the blonde bubble-headed chief researcher at 51 who oversaw the coyote's detainment) made fast friends with the other "star residents" of the facility: a party of aliens who accidentally crashed on Earth while in search of another party of alien explorers who disappeared fifty years ago (the Roswell crashees).

These resident aliens include among their number a noteworthy extraterrestrial archaeologist and his comely young daughter; a world-wise adventurer with a smattering of sarcasm in everything he says; a hoidy-toidy heiress who had embarked on the adventure simply to "see the galaxy" before returning home to marry some rich alien industrialist; a young and optimistically naive journalist for the galaxy's largest media outlet; and the only survivor of the Roswell aliens— a young child of the original crash victims who has grown up fully acclimated and versed in the ways of the natives (that being us, the Earthlings).

Nukey doesn't stay long at Area 51, though. Breaks out and makes a beeline for Las Vegas, and settles in to become the city's crime-fighting 6'5" tall bipedal canine superhero. Teamed up (reluctantly) with a beautiful female LVPD detective, the Nuclear Coyote combats the villainny of such foes as the Hypno-Ninjas (infiltrating Vegas by impersonating Benihana chefs) and the terror of Nukey's ultimate foe: the fellow radioactive mutant, Destructo-Duck (who is, by all appearance, an ordinary Peking duck except that stuff starts exploding whenever he quacks). And occassionally the Nuclear Coyote is teamed up with the vigilante Elvis Impersonator Justice Squad, though this is never a warm alliance since Nukey hates The King's music.

[JustAGuy]

In the 80's, they just might have made your animated series idea into a live-action comedy/drama/action show. Kind of sad, really, what those executives would consider putting on the air.

EDIT: Blasted typo, thought he could elude me! I fixed him good.

[Flaming June]

Failed? Nuts.

Gymkata.

[Rhydderch Hael]

Nukey's actually my serious endeavour. I want to sign Tommy Lee Jones on to voice the guy. ;)

I'm thinking of it like an animated take on Sledge Hammer, where the hero can't really be controlled and is as much a menace as the criminals are.

And I'm not plagarizing this stuff. You would think that someone other than I was crazy enough to concoct these things?

[Occhidiangela]

Then my muse stood up, glared at me, and wandered off muttering something about a lack of caffeine and being tired of wearing nothing more than a sheer, diaphanous gown for the past nine centuries. Said she was headed to The Gap.

*sigh*

The highway of life is full of little pot holes. :o