Grrrr it's just fracking dishes you stupid brain!

[Kevin]

OK, so I know pretty much everyone who plays WoW and reads these forums at least has some idea of what I call my 'broken brain'. Some folks who don't may not. I'm not going into details on that.

Suffice it to say I'm a lot better now, but I'm not fully back. Lately I've been getting quite pissed at myself for not taking the next step of getting a part time job that I know I'm ready for. But that isn't what the vent for today is.

I'm behind on the dishes again. Not really behind but I'm behind again. I've got more than what the drying rack can hold so I have to hand dry or I let stuff stay dirty another day, whatever. We don't have a dishwasher if you didn't pick up on that. This issue is I've only managed to do dishes one day this week. I generally need to do them about 5 times a week if I want everything to fit in the drying rack so I can be a bit lazier. Ideally you do them right after you get done using them and put them away of course but well things stay 'clean enough' if let things pile up enough so that the drying rack is full when I get down washing. This of course depends on what I cook etc. Some meals generate more than others.

Well we haven't really cooked a ton of stuff this week. The weather has been bad so Treesh knew she wouldn't be home for dinner so I didn't cook as much so the pile up isn't too bad but I'm behind.

But why I'm posting is that sometimes, griping about this stuff works so I'm giving it a shot. I'm fracking tired of going over to the sink and just blanking out. Since I'm here by myself I don't have anyone that can prod me out of it and I don't really want to do them when Treesh is here and make her prod me since she has enough other crap to deal with and do. So I'm a bit pissed about it.

It's not fun to go over there and blank out for 5 - 10 minutes. I'm just standing there shut down. It is better than trying to do dishes and having a panic attack. If this happens I can generally be "fixed" by someone just prodding me and then I'm OK. Panic attacks you couldn't do that. But 3 times this week I've gone to do dishes, blanked out then eventually found myself on the couch or in front of the computer or one time using the bathroom. It's not pleasant to not be in control but I've accepted that it's gonna happen I find ways to deal with it. Like I said I prefer this over panic attacks for sure.

Anyway, like I said sometimes venting prevents it from happening again so here's hoping I get the dishes done today! :)

[kandrathe]

...I call my 'broken brain'.

If it helps, I've been feeling broken sometimes too. I have these huge difficult projects to do, but I can only be creative when I'm not in front of a computer. I used to program for fun sometimes, but I don't find joy in it anymore. I've moved into robotics and painting for fun.

So, I find I need to take a notebook and stare out the window and jot stuff down, then I have to go back to the computer to compose from my notes. My brain seems to be in hyper creative mode when I'm in the shower, driving, or anytime I'm not needing to concentrate on something else (which tells you how dull my commute is) -- although, I remember I have had some profound ideas and thoughts then, but as soon as I sit down to type them up they drift away. I had a particularly good idea while driving today, I had to pull over and text it to my partners so I wouldn't lose it. I think I need one of those idea tape recorders, but that seems so strange to me.

[DeeBye]

Maybe you should get a dishwasher.

[Tal]

Maybe you should get a dishwasher.

Not available in their circumstance being renters and all.

[Kevin]

Not available in their circumstance being renters and all.

And besides if it wasn't the dishes it could be something else. Stuff like this has happened with trying to take a shower, cook, dinner, vacuuming, gathering laundry, while getting the mail, while I'm already at the store (those don't last long as external stimulus tend to pop me out pretty quick and it's way better than cowering in my sweat shirt while waiting for the pill to take effect like I had to with the panic attacks if they hit in public), pretty much anything. It's happened while I was playing video games before. We've never been able to figure out any kind of consistent sets of triggers It's not all that frequent, twice a month now or so. Just this week has been particularly bad and only with the dishes while Treesh was at work, so I'm annoyed. Ah well. I'm getting better and if I let people around me know the deal it's very livable.

[Tal]

And besides if it wasn't the dishes it could be something else. Stuff like this has happened with trying to take a shower, cook, dinner, vacuuming, gathering laundry, while getting the mail, while I'm already at the store (those don't last long as external stimulus tend to pop me out pretty quick and it's way better than cowering in my sweat shirt while waiting for the pill to take effect like I had to with the panic attacks if they hit in public), pretty much anything. It's happened while I was playing video games before. We've never been able to figure out any kind of consistent sets of triggers It's not all that frequent, twice a month now or so. Just this week has been particularly bad and only with the dishes while Treesh was at work, so I'm annoyed. Ah well. I'm getting better and if I let people around me know the deal it's very livable.

I wish I was closer to, if nothing else, be a shoulder to lean on sir.

[Taem]

And besides if it wasn't the dishes it could be something else. Stuff like this has happened with trying to take a shower, cook, dinner, vacuuming, gathering laundry, while getting the mail, while I'm already at the store (those don't last long as external stimulus tend to pop me out pretty quick and it's way better than cowering in my sweat shirt while waiting for the pill to take effect like I had to with the panic attacks if they hit in public), pretty much anything. It's happened while I was playing video games before. We've never been able to figure out any kind of consistent sets of triggers It's not all that frequent, twice a month now or so. Just this week has been particularly bad and only with the dishes while Treesh was at work, so I'm annoyed. Ah well. I'm getting better and if I let people around me know the deal it's very livable.

Try exercising; it tires you out relaxing you, produces endorphines in the brain similar to drugs, gets you in shape, and makes you feel better about yourself. You'll also have more energy to get those chores done around the house. If your spending your free time sitting in front of a computer screen, you might want to consider an exercise regime, that is of course unless you already do one. I started going to a personal trainer for the past month to get in shape and I'll tell you, I feel so much better and have so much more energy. It's a real commitment though - "do I sit down and play Diablo for an hour or go for a jog? I won't have time to do it later tonight because I have to make dinner, help the kids with their homework, then put them in bed so it's now or never." And I usually go for the jog because I feel better afterwards. Exercise is also a known remedy for depression and helps with hypertension; I assume it might help with anxiety also.

[Taem]

If it helps, I've been feeling broken sometimes too. I have these huge difficult projects to do, but I can only be creative when I'm not in front of a computer. I used to program for fun sometimes, but I don't find joy in it anymore. I've moved into robotics and painting for fun.

So, I find I need to take a notebook and stare out the window and jot stuff down, then I have to go back to the computer to compose from my notes. My brain seems to be in hyper creative mode when I'm in the shower, driving, or anytime I'm not needing to concentrate on something else (which tells you how dull my commute is) -- although, I remember I have had some profound ideas and thoughts then, but as soon as I sit down to type them up they drift away. I had a particularly good idea while driving today, I had to pull over and text it to my partners so I wouldn't lose it. I think I need one of those idea tape recorders, but that seems so strange to me.

In life, your mentors will always say, "do what you love" in reference to what you want to be when you grow up. So you go to college, get a degree, and enter the field you love only to find out later in life that either it's not what you thought, or you end up getting burnt out and start looking for other avenues of joy because what once brought you joy no longer does. It's an inevitable process of every job over time unfortunately. I'm pretty happy with my current job only because of the variety - I travel to a new store everyday and am never in the same spot. However even with a job like mine, the routine does become monotonous over time. I find it extremely taxing to my mentality on slow days when everything is already done and there is nothing to do asking myself "Am I the man for the job? Could I be doing something better?," and I ponder the justification of my job title. Sure, sometimes it's the 'same-old-thing' from sun up to sun down, but it's days like this that make me dread going back to work.

The irony in this is, as kandrathe pointed out, that when at home and out of the work environment, I find myself thinking of all sorts of ideas on how to improve the place I work at and various techniques to implement them. I even use these ideas from time to time so long as the dull drive to work hasn't already made me forget them.

Yes, job's are interesting things indeed. Instead of trying to get a job doing something you love knowing you will eventually become disenchanted with it in time, it makes much more sense to get a job doing something that pays very well rather you love it or not, then at least you will be able to be creative the way you see fit on your free time and have the money to enjoy yourself - if you can find the time. It feels like I'm writing without a point - writing as the words come to me; time to stop.

[Vandiablo]

What is life without cheese?? Not worth living.

For me, like an earlier post suggested, exercise makes a huge difference.

-Van

ps. paper plates??