03-25-2003, 05:56 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-25-2003, 05:58 AM by Refrigerator.)
OK, here is the second part. Sorry about the length, but this is even after I cut out some! I've been subscribed for a while, I guess....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there
for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went
up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car
was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
X-Files Top Ten Lines Never to Be Heard
10. "The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder....I think it
wants to phone home."
9. "Sure we could have these people killed to protect
what they know, but wouldn't that be a little harsh?"
8. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is
Casper and he's what you call a 'friendly' ghost."
7. "Look under the mask, this is no swamp monster, it's
Mr. Handy, the owner of the old country store!"
6. "My Lord! This conspiracy involves all 3 of the
Babor sisters!"
5. "Well, Agent Mulder, you've caught us. We'll
cooperate fully, of course."
4. "You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director
Skinner, that I've switched over to the nicotine
patch."
3. "The president wants to see you two immediately. His
cheeseburger's possessed."
2. "And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been
for you meddlin' FBI agents!"
1. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong....the government did
have our best interests at heart, after all!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Math Exam
A university Math professor had to compose an exam to
give his students at the end of the year. He was a bit
lazy, so he set the following exam:
----------
"Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples."
----------
That was all.
He handed out the exam to his students and gave them
three hours to complete it. However, after just a
couple of minutes one student stood up, handed in his
paper and left the room.
That student got an "A". But how?
Well, here's what the student wrote:
MATHS EXAM
Question 1.
Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples.
Correct Answer:
Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples.
End.
He figured that if that exam was good enough for a
university professor to set his students, it was
certainly good enough to use as an example!
In the future, the professor banned that specific
answer from the exams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high
scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed
instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with
Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to
inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of
sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of
beer. "So did you tell her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep", replies
Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" Exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband
died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" Asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I
asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said,
'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said:
'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS one is FUNNY
Monks Made a Mistake
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery
going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the
originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls
were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--"
All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he
falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Van Gogh's Relatives
After much research it was discovered that Van Gogh had
many relatives. Here are a few:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His prune eating brother: Gotta Gogh
His constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
His brother that worked in a convenient store: Stopn Gogh
His Yugoslavian grandpa: U. Gogh
His brother that liked to bleach his clothes: Hue Gogh
His cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His uncle who was a magician: Wherediddy
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
His Mexican cousin's American half-brother: Grin Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
His sister that liked disco: Go Gogh
His stagecoach driving nephew: Wellsfar Gogh
His bird loving uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew that is a psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
His fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
His aunt that taught positive thinking: Wayda Gogh
His extremely bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
His niece that drives the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys were out drinking one night when one of them
finally passed out. The other two laugh and one peels
the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the
guy's forehead.
An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch and
realizes that he has to drive home. He hadn't even gone
a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his
rearview mirror and he's forced to pull over.
The officer walks up, looks in and shakes his head.
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
The guy lies, "well, I had one or two."
Disgusted, the cop says, "Why do you have a Budweiser
label on your forehead?"
The guy looks at himself in the mirror and sees the
label. Thinking fast he looks at the cop and says, "Oh
this? Well you see, I'm trying to quit drinking and my
doctor gave me this patch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The
driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?"
The biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't," replies the man in the car.
The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While
passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the
car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" the biker asks.
"No I haven't," this driver replies.
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too
late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops
and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood
and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where the heck are the
brakes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legend of the Maidens
A student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native
Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens
who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If
you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes
quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a
fabulous time!"
Several days later, the headlines in the local
newspaper read: "Body of Naked Student found in Tunnel,
Run Over by Train."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special Remedy
One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have
these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor
replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have
sex with my wife." They both laugh.
A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How
are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel
so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely
home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Merry Christmas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there
for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went
up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car
was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
X-Files Top Ten Lines Never to Be Heard
10. "The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder....I think it
wants to phone home."
9. "Sure we could have these people killed to protect
what they know, but wouldn't that be a little harsh?"
8. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is
Casper and he's what you call a 'friendly' ghost."
7. "Look under the mask, this is no swamp monster, it's
Mr. Handy, the owner of the old country store!"
6. "My Lord! This conspiracy involves all 3 of the
Babor sisters!"
5. "Well, Agent Mulder, you've caught us. We'll
cooperate fully, of course."
4. "You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director
Skinner, that I've switched over to the nicotine
patch."
3. "The president wants to see you two immediately. His
cheeseburger's possessed."
2. "And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been
for you meddlin' FBI agents!"
1. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong....the government did
have our best interests at heart, after all!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Math Exam
A university Math professor had to compose an exam to
give his students at the end of the year. He was a bit
lazy, so he set the following exam:
----------
"Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples."
----------
That was all.
He handed out the exam to his students and gave them
three hours to complete it. However, after just a
couple of minutes one student stood up, handed in his
paper and left the room.
That student got an "A". But how?
Well, here's what the student wrote:
MATHS EXAM
Question 1.
Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples.
Correct Answer:
Compose a math examination suitable for students to
sit, and solve all questions giving suitable examples.
End.
He figured that if that exam was good enough for a
university professor to set his students, it was
certainly good enough to use as an example!
In the future, the professor banned that specific
answer from the exams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high
scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed
instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with
Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to
inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of
sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of
beer. "So did you tell her?" Asks Jeff. "Yep", replies
Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" Exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband
died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" Asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I
asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said,
'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said:
'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS one is FUNNY
Monks Made a Mistake
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery
going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the
originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls
were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--"
All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he
falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Van Gogh's Relatives
After much research it was discovered that Van Gogh had
many relatives. Here are a few:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His prune eating brother: Gotta Gogh
His constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
His brother that worked in a convenient store: Stopn Gogh
His Yugoslavian grandpa: U. Gogh
His brother that liked to bleach his clothes: Hue Gogh
His cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His uncle who was a magician: Wherediddy
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
His Mexican cousin's American half-brother: Grin Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
His sister that liked disco: Go Gogh
His stagecoach driving nephew: Wellsfar Gogh
His bird loving uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew that is a psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
His fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
His aunt that taught positive thinking: Wayda Gogh
His extremely bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
His niece that drives the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys were out drinking one night when one of them
finally passed out. The other two laugh and one peels
the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the
guy's forehead.
An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch and
realizes that he has to drive home. He hadn't even gone
a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his
rearview mirror and he's forced to pull over.
The officer walks up, looks in and shakes his head.
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
The guy lies, "well, I had one or two."
Disgusted, the cop says, "Why do you have a Budweiser
label on your forehead?"
The guy looks at himself in the mirror and sees the
label. Thinking fast he looks at the cop and says, "Oh
this? Well you see, I'm trying to quit drinking and my
doctor gave me this patch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The
driver of the car opens the window and says, "Yes?"
The biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't," replies the man in the car.
The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While
passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the
car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" the biker asks.
"No I haven't," this driver replies.
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too
late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops
and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood
and surely dying, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda
motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where the heck are the
brakes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legend of the Maidens
A student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native
Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens
who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If
you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes
quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a
fabulous time!"
Several days later, the headlines in the local
newspaper read: "Body of Naked Student found in Tunnel,
Run Over by Train."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special Remedy
One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have
these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor
replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have
sex with my wife." They both laugh.
A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How
are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel
so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely
home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Merry Christmas