03-25-2003, 05:39 AM
Well, I don't know about little quips, but here is my library of funny jokes. All mailed to me by Jokepost, which is a great site.
Anyway, here is the first half......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you considering having children? To determine
whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we
suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub
your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken
bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at
night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look
cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to
the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to
run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I had. Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so i got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to *20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
the snow plow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to
do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very
cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white crap fell today, and its so cold it
probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to
get all dressed up and go to out to shovel then I had
to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk
is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she...... NUTS?!?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the Son of a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I'll
drag him though the snow by his balls. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street. Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin'
snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time. I'm going to
kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
Shoveling!!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-
old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought
George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked
him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top?
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't
belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up
there, and you just want to help the poor thing down.
That's a post turtle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every few months or so I accumulate newspaper headlines
that various people send in. Here's that batch for this
month.
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Quotes
"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the
Red sea.
"Scattered showers my ass"
-Noah
"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the
same"
-Oscar Wilde
"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
-any man who has been married
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a
vegetarian because I hate plants"
-A. Whitney Brown
"I told you I was Sick!"
-On a tombstone
"What the hell are you trying to say?"
-any dog looking at its owner
"Time's fun when you're having flies"
-Kermit the Frog
"You want What on the ceiling?"
-Michelangelo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when
the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been
better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think
about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went
out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So
he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear
appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do
you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front
of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone
else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the
doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the
meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful
John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this
only made her more curious. Over the course of the
evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a
letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his
mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you
'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on
the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in
the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent
home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our
car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-
sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However,
he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped,
"Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for
shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left
are Styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer
head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the
dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with
Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my
beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from
Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID
LETTERMAN)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel on the Christmas tree
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems every
where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her mom was coming to visit...
This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness
the reindeer he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
heaven knows where...more stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to
the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit
the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to
drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel
said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas
tree??
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be
on top of the Christmas tree...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope, having been invited to address the United
Nations, arrives in New York and is whisked away in a
private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made
the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his
driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he
can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope
knows they are still going to arrive late and insists
that the driver make even better time. The driver fears
for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any
faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the
driver to get in the back and let him drive.
The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making
incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of
traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in
time. Six blocks from their destination a New York
police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them
over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and
recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer
informs the Pope he was speeding and driving
recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big
hurry to address an international audience on the most
urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's
pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to
headquarters.
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.
"This is the chief, what's the problem?"
"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot,
and I'm not so sure what to do"
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.
"Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the
chief.
"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"
"Bigger" say the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the
United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the
Pope!"
Anyway, here is the first half......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you considering having children? To determine
whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we
suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub
your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken
bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at
night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look
cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to
the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to
run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat
for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole
World? Moving here was the best idea I had. Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so i got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to *20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
the snow plow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to
do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I thought was very
cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white crap fell today, and its so cold it
probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to
get all dressed up and go to out to shovel then I had
to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk
is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she...... NUTS?!?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's damn well lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch the Son of a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I'll
drag him though the snow by his balls. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street. Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin'
snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time. I'm going to
kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
Shoveling!!
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-
old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought
George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked
him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top?
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't
belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up
there, and you just want to help the poor thing down.
That's a post turtle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every few months or so I accumulate newspaper headlines
that various people send in. Here's that batch for this
month.
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under Sheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Quotes
"I thought it would make a wicked wave to surf on"
-Moses, talking about the real reason he parted the
Red sea.
"Scattered showers my ass"
-Noah
"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the
same"
-Oscar Wilde
"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better"
-any man who has been married
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a
vegetarian because I hate plants"
-A. Whitney Brown
"I told you I was Sick!"
-On a tombstone
"What the hell are you trying to say?"
-any dog looking at its owner
"Time's fun when you're having flies"
-Kermit the Frog
"You want What on the ceiling?"
-Michelangelo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when
the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been
better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think
about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went
out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his
umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So
he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear
appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do
you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front
of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone
else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the
doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the
meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful
John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this
only made her more curious. Over the course of the
evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts,
John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a
letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his
mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you
'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actual Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on
the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began
seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in
the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent
home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our
car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-
sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However,
he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who
felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her
husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped,
"Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for
shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left
are Styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer
head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the
dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with
Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my
beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from
Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
(Source: Top Ten Lists from LATE SHOW with DAVID
LETTERMAN)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Angel on the Christmas tree
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip...but there were problems every
where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her mom was coming to visit...
This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness
the reindeer he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out
heaven knows where...more stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to
the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated
Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a
shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit
the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to
drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee
pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all
over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and
found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way
to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel
said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas
tree??
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be
on top of the Christmas tree...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope, having been invited to address the United
Nations, arrives in New York and is whisked away in a
private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made
the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his
driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he
can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope
knows they are still going to arrive late and insists
that the driver make even better time. The driver fears
for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any
faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the
driver to get in the back and let him drive.
The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making
incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of
traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in
time. Six blocks from their destination a New York
police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them
over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and
recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer
informs the Pope he was speeding and driving
recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big
hurry to address an international audience on the most
urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's
pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to
headquarters.
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.
"This is the chief, what's the problem?"
"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot,
and I'm not so sure what to do"
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.
"Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the
chief.
"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"
"Bigger" say the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the
United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the
Pope!"