03-25-2003, 03:09 AM
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor youâre on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the
black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the
chicken and we'll find out.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any
chickens. I have never known any
chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it
crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken
a job in New York.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer
is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross."
Courtesy of various chain letters.
I have lots more that are going to be on my site, but it's under construction.
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for
breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible
that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that
time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there
any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By
death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was
about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a
male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead
people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And
Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A:
"I have been since early childhood."
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor youâre on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the
black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the
chicken and we'll find out.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any
chickens. I have never known any
chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it
crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken
a job in New York.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has
gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer
is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross."
Courtesy of various chain letters.
Quote:"Are you omnipotent?"Terry Pratchet: The Last Hero, Deity talking to Mad Hamish, old man.
"Aye lass, but I'm takin' pills fer it!"
I have lots more that are going to be on my site, but it's under construction.
A plague of exploding high-fives.