Taming your inner demon

[Taem]

(Yes, that's me... no, not the green guy !)


I wanted to share with everyone an experience that has come as a great surprise to me, one I discovered here on the Lounge as a matter of fact. What I'm sharing is the road to a better self that I discovered, one I feel may benefit others.

I scored a 15 on this test.

So I realized I have an anger problem (so what? lot's of people do), but I discovered it in the most peculiar of ways with the most interesting of characters (FireIceTalon) and while trying to think up a rebuttal to an argument, I realized with great shock and deep contemplation, that I was being controlled by my anger, and that it (my anger) was merely a wall that prevented me from getting hurt, one I had set up since I was a child. To make the issue more convoluted (or pathetic) is that I never knew I had this problem because it was so ingrained in my every thought. This all came to me in an epiphany I would liken to discovering God for the first time; it was that strong. I was literally floored when I discovered this about myself because, in retrospect, it was so obvious...

Part of the problem with anger (in general) is when your experiencing it, you get that adrenaline rush followed up by dopamine being released and everything you're doing feels like it's the "right" choice so it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone else is wrong except you. I suppose to the extreme, some people could get addicted to that feeling; I wasn't that type of angry person, but I was explosive when I felt thing's weren't going as I expected them too.

To spin this tale out correctly, I need you (the reader) to be able to identify where I'm coming from, so in this regard, let's bring it back to where it all began: it all started when I was in grade-school. My earliest memories of my parents are of them constantly bickering and fighting when they were at home. They both worked two jobs so I hardly spent any time with them, and when they were home together they only fought, and when home separate, were too busy paying bills or working on their own projects to spend time with me. I never had any brothers or sisters and I honestly didn't know any better because I had nothing to compare my life too, but I always felt hallow inside, lonely. I wasn't enrolled in any sports or extra curricular activities and my parent's didn't take me out. I spent a lot of time at my grandmothers, but I always felt low on self-esteem because I guess part of me felt responsible for their bickering, which is untrue but you know how kids think. So when at school, I had a really tough time making friends and because I always had my head down, I got picked on a lot. You can't imagine how lonely it is as an only child without friends and with parents who don't pay any attention to you because they are constantly arguing around you.

When I was eight years old (yes, you are reading this right), I was so sad inside and didn't have anybody I could call a friend, I saw no point in living so I tried to kill myself by dropping onto the floor from my kitchen counter onto a kitchen knife aimed at my heart (or where I thought it was anyways). I failed the first two attempts as the knife bounced off my ribs, but by the third, I had realized my error and attempted it again, but this time, I found my hand had moved, or better said, I had unconsciously moved the knife so it wouldn't kill me. At the time, I was so furious with myself, but then it was THAT moment that I decided, death couldn't be any worse than living, so what the fuck am I afraid of? And from that point on, I lived my life without fear, without consequence, because I was truly unafraid of death (I welcomed it). What did I have to loose? So I stood my ground when bullies approached and got knocked down, but earned a bit of street cred. I started getting friends because they were attracted to the intensity and insanity that was me at the time and when bullies attacked, I tried to enlist them (my friends), but they were to afraid, and my parents continued to ignore me at home, so I was still all alone with my problems and the yard duties don't really care what the problem is or if that bully plans on beating you up after school so long as you don't fight in front of her at that moment. But I was not afraid, so how would I deal with this menace (bullies). My next attempt at self defense was to, when confronted, strike back, which ultimately led to another kid getting the yard duty and me getting in trouble (despite this new found lack of fear and inward rage, I was still quiet as could be and shy because at the time I never learned how to communicate with people in a genuine manner - people "expect" you to act a certain way, not only with "yes sir's" and "no ma'am's", but the way you look in their eyes, shake their hands, posture... etc, and at this point in my life, I was behind everyone else on the social scale and hand't learned to anticipate what they expected of me so I came across very ani-social because I was practically raising myself here...); striking-back was a double-edged sword which always resulted in me getting in trouble AND the bully getting his friends and pummeling me after school. Live and learn, live and learn.... So I found what worked best for me was to stand my ground to the bully, and when he went to assault me, to attack him before his attacked landed and surprise him (the three bullies I encountered throughout my time at grade school were always bigger than I, so I had to strike fast and furious to catch them off guard), and hold him in a way he could not attack me back (by gripping his vital organs) until he gave up or passed out, and even THEN bullies would rise up, get their friends, and assault me again so the ONLY OPTION I HAD was to put the fear of god into these kids, make them think I was insane, and that if they assaulted me, there was no telling how far I'd be willing to go, and to deliver that message I had to continue attacking them once they hit the ground until they realized it was simply not worth picking on me any longer.

In a world where you are fighting just for survival, this aggressive act (the one directly descried above) is in fact self-defensive and preventive when nobody else is doing anything to help or protect you from bulling, however based on most of the replies I received from members on this forum, I've realized most of you have not gone through the type of life I have, and most likely it's difficult to place yourself in my shoes and share my experience because it's so different than yours and the more logical option you'd take would be just to get the yard duty or tell your bigger brother or mom and dad. I didn't have those options so I had to learn how to survive on my own and without guidance, that was the best I could come up with. It (that train of thought) invaded every aspect of my personality, controlled everything I did and thought, my reactions with others, everything! And I think it was actually a fear, not of my attackers, but a fear that if I backed down and let go, that I was no better off than that pathetic little boy who tried to commit suicide at eight years old who gave up. So I swore to never give up and that's how I've lived my life for the past 35 years (and I'm not talking about the rhetoric of saying "I'll never give up," but I mean literally willing to fight through impossible odds up to the point of death - whatever your goal is, no mater how trivial).

So to bring this back to the current times, I realized I had an anger problem when FIT called me out on some choice words I was using when I was taking something personal that I really shouldn't have, and I pondered why I said the things I said and realized it all stemmed from that past I just mentioned above, and that it CONTROLLED ME (my past; my anger)! I was not in control, my anger was! Wow, this was a life-changing moment for me! Why? Because I was no longer that poor little kid, I have friends now, I have a wife, I have kids who have taught me so much about love, compassion, morality... I've learned how to communicate with others and I thrive doing it and I love it! I have changed who I am inside completely, but this was one aspect of myself I hadn't realized still controlled me, and it affected others because when I got mad, I made others suffer, and I never knew that. This logic, this realization has brought new meaning to my life in ways I'd never have thought because I realized, I don't have to keep those walls up anymore, I don't have to prove anything to myself anymore, I don't have to be afraid!

"Yeah yeah, touching story and all that, but what have you got to show for it? I thought you said this was a road to discovery, not a telltale?" Well, of the more interesting thing's that has changed for me is my handwriting. I'm in no way making a joke of this. Before, my handwriting used to look sloppy, rushed, jagged, aggressive. No matter how many ways I tried to alter my handwriting, it always looked like that, even when I wrote slowly and methodical. Since I realized my problem two weeks ago, my hand writing is how as I always imagined it, beautiful to look at, rounded, elegant. Someone told me, "you have really nice writing," and I realized, "oh my god, what in the world happened?" So I compared and did a few more tests and my handwriting has in fact really changed. My mother-in-law has a degree is handwriting analysis and has assisted detective with cases in the past and she has always told me that one's handwriting is a window into the soul; she also told me to change your personality, change your handwriting. I always thought she was full of it before, but now, I must concede there is definitively something to this myth.


Pic on the left is before, pic on the right is after, although the red penmanship is a bit harried because I'm in the middle of writing this topic up which is bringing up old emotions, but nonetheless it's still a good example of how my writing has changed.

The next thing I noticed was that I'm starting to understand that I no longer have to always be right. We (my family) was playing Risk last Friday and the Friday before that when my wife made a move I felt threw the game... and I could not let it go. I kept telling her she made a terrible move and, I don't remember the exact chain of events, but this forum came up along with my epiphany and... well, I realized when thing's didn't go the way I expect, I get angry, and realizing this has helped me let things go. Let me explain this better; when something happens now opposite from what I expected, (the new me) is able to let it go. I feel calm about it and just watch others do what they do and don't feel like I have to insert my opinion. And I don't feel like I lost part of myself in this process; quite the opposite actually. I feel empowered, in control, like it's my choice and that I'm letting other's have theirs. I feels really good and I'm sad it took this long to realize this, but happy I finally did and it's changing my life.

Finally, I realized I don't feel threatened anymore when visualizing being assaulted by someone, at least, what I mean by this is that I feel like it's okay to walk-away, to run even. I don't have to confront every conflict head-on anymore. I don't always have to be in control, or rather, I can remain in control an not loose any respect for myself without having to engage a threat. I'm going to tell a little story here to emphasize this point: as a teenager, I'd always attack my attacker first and two times that I can remember, I had police officers draw their hand-guns on me as they told me to lay down and instead I turned and face them down in a stand-off. I am no longer this person anymore and I don't have to be. Wow, it's so empowering.

So, at it's worst, this is just a story I'm sharing with you all. At it's best, it's a story that can help others who currently have my (old) disposition, and can hopefully be motivational for them as they struggle letting go of their own self. And I'm still learning; as I shed a bit more of my wall, I seem to learn something new about myself everyday. It's really a beautiful process.