06-08-2006, 04:27 PM
To the night shift worker getting the life sucked out of him (been there, done that, still there myself), I offer a vampire lai:
Interview With a Vampire
This tale of mine is just a bit screwy.
It was late one night with nothing to do here,
so I pumped on the tube t'see a couple of movies.
I wasn't too choosy, but this one was a doozy.
A young girl, a beauty; she's a dumb blonde, a floozie.
When monsters show up, things go nuts. It's so goofy.
Folks' blood looks so juicy, these things suck it like root beer.
The blonde gets so tough, that she doubles her duty.
A cheerleader looking so hot with a Wonder Girl 'tude. She
Goes from the school groupie to the one kickin' booty.
Like Yoshimi battling robots, this girl Buffy has moves. She
Can jump through the roof. She can bust things in two. She
Can shake a stake to make vamps quake, then thusts it so smoothly
Into their hearts, they blow apart, the trouble is through here.
But then it's dark, the music starts, and something seems spooky.
And then I hear my doorbell interrupting the movie.
If I only knew then what I know now,
I would not've got the door, no way no how.
A deathwish was never my desire.
I didn't want an interview with a vampire!
I opened the door, to see who's outside waitin':
A strange man dressed up in a tux with watch and waistband.
I asked him for his name and occupation.
He said "I'm the Count... er, of the population."
"I'm from the Census Bureau. I must count the nation."
I said "Wow, that's great, but check the clock. It's late, man!"
He said "So sorry sir! If there's time now, I'll stay and"
"If not I'll come back whenever you want, just say when!"
Somehow, my fate then came: the right to decide.
Do I ask him to get lost, or invite him inside?
My decision boiled down to politeness and pride.
I let him into my house to his delite. Then I sighed.
I asked why he's here so late at night. He replied,
"I can't go out into the sunlight, or else I'd
Have problems 'cause my skin is so white. I'd get fried!
The burning can't be cured with any vitamin tried!
If I only knew then what I know now,
I would not've got the door, no way no how.
A deathwish was never my desire.
I didn't want an interview with a vampire!
Led the Counter to the kitchen and said "Sit right here!
I offered drinks but he replied "I don't drink... beer."
"Which reminds me, Census Question 1 is clear:"
"I need your blood... type and vaccination year."
Then I looked behind him and I gasped with fear.
Two people in the room: only one in the mirror!
He glanced over his shoulder and he said "Oh dear!"
"Breakfast time may be closer than it appears!"
Then he smiled at me with his evil teeth
And said "Question 2... is he deceased?"
I thought "What would the chick in the movie do?"
"I better think quick, and make a move or two."
Some spices in the drawer might make a vampire halt.
I reached for garlic powder but I got the onion salt!
When that didn't work I splashed him with my cup.
But I guess Rocky Mountain water isn't holy enough!
If I only knew then what I know now,
I would not've got the door, no way no how.
A deathwish was never my desire.
I didn't want an interview with a vampire!
Splashing Counter with beer was a grave mistake.
I knew now that my last chance was to make a stake.
Reached under the table and I gave a shake.
But my luck was bad: I couldn't break a leg.
"Please don't snack on me, for goodness sake!" I beg.
"If I knew that you were coming I'da baked a cake!"
But Counter didn't look like he would take a break,
So I darted for the door to make my breakaway.
The Counter cornered me, but I had one more chance.
There's a hatchet in this corner, so I grabbed this axe.
I tried to swing the hatchet and chop off his head.
But without the Slayer swinging it, the vamp ain't dead!
The Counter looked at me and gave his lips a lick.
He chomped into my neck and now I'm feeling sick.
The moral of this tale I tell is awf'ly slick.
Don't hatch your Counters, without a chick.
Interview With a Vampire
This tale of mine is just a bit screwy.
It was late one night with nothing to do here,
so I pumped on the tube t'see a couple of movies.
I wasn't too choosy, but this one was a doozy.
A young girl, a beauty; she's a dumb blonde, a floozie.
When monsters show up, things go nuts. It's so goofy.
Folks' blood looks so juicy, these things suck it like root beer.
The blonde gets so tough, that she doubles her duty.
A cheerleader looking so hot with a Wonder Girl 'tude. She
Goes from the school groupie to the one kickin' booty.
Like Yoshimi battling robots, this girl Buffy has moves. She
Can jump through the roof. She can bust things in two. She
Can shake a stake to make vamps quake, then thusts it so smoothly
Into their hearts, they blow apart, the trouble is through here.
But then it's dark, the music starts, and something seems spooky.
And then I hear my doorbell interrupting the movie.
If I only knew then what I know now,
I would not've got the door, no way no how.
A deathwish was never my desire.
I didn't want an interview with a vampire!
I opened the door, to see who's outside waitin':
A strange man dressed up in a tux with watch and waistband.
I asked him for his name and occupation.
He said "I'm the Count... er, of the population."
"I'm from the Census Bureau. I must count the nation."
I said "Wow, that's great, but check the clock. It's late, man!"
He said "So sorry sir! If there's time now, I'll stay and"
"If not I'll come back whenever you want, just say when!"
Somehow, my fate then came: the right to decide.
Do I ask him to get lost, or invite him inside?
My decision boiled down to politeness and pride.
I let him into my house to his delite. Then I sighed.
I asked why he's here so late at night. He replied,
"I can't go out into the sunlight, or else I'd
Have problems 'cause my skin is so white. I'd get fried!
The burning can't be cured with any vitamin tried!
If I only knew then what I know now,
I would not've got the door, no way no how.
A deathwish was never my desire.
I didn't want an interview with a vampire!
Led the Counter to the kitchen and said "Sit right here!
I offered drinks but he replied "I don't drink... beer."
"Which reminds me, Census Question 1 is clear:"
"I need your blood... type and vaccination year."
Then I looked behind him and I gasped with fear.
Two people in the room: only one in the mirror!
He glanced over his shoulder and he said "Oh dear!"
"Breakfast time may be closer than it appears!"
Then he smiled at me with his evil teeth
And said "Question 2... is he deceased?"
I thought "What would the chick in the movie do?"
"I better think quick, and make a move or two."
Some spices in the drawer might make a vampire halt.
I reached for garlic powder but I got the onion salt!
When that didn't work I splashed him with my cup.
But I guess Rocky Mountain water isn't holy enough!
If I only knew then what I know now,
I would not've got the door, no way no how.
A deathwish was never my desire.
I didn't want an interview with a vampire!
Splashing Counter with beer was a grave mistake.
I knew now that my last chance was to make a stake.
Reached under the table and I gave a shake.
But my luck was bad: I couldn't break a leg.
"Please don't snack on me, for goodness sake!" I beg.
"If I knew that you were coming I'da baked a cake!"
But Counter didn't look like he would take a break,
So I darted for the door to make my breakaway.
The Counter cornered me, but I had one more chance.
There's a hatchet in this corner, so I grabbed this axe.
I tried to swing the hatchet and chop off his head.
But without the Slayer swinging it, the vamp ain't dead!
The Counter looked at me and gave his lips a lick.
He chomped into my neck and now I'm feeling sick.
The moral of this tale I tell is awf'ly slick.
Don't hatch your Counters, without a chick.