05-03-2006, 01:57 AM
Interview with the Pirate of Punzance
Written / performed by Brian Oakley & Stephen Fuller
Winner of MVP, 27th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off May 15, 2004
I understand that your heritage goes all the way back to New
Testament times to the very first buccaneer
Right, Pontius Pontius Pirate.
Was he appointed by one of the seven Caesars?
No elected by secret ballast.
And later cannon-ized, as I recall. Your father was a shipping
typhoon in thermal underwear?
Yep he a-mast a lot of Long John Silver during the boom.
Did he make a fortune?
A-vast! And itâs still acrew-ing interest
You arenât one of those doped up church robbers, are you?
No, youâve got me confused with those Stoned Temple Pirates.
I saw your new boat; beautiful color-maroon - Get it on sail?
No, I won it gambling at mumblety-peg leg doubloon or nothing.
Howâs the mileage per galleon?
Great, but my deckhand Frankie put a dinghy in the side so I docked
his pay and made him caulk the plank.
A stern penalty. Was he drunk?
Sure, Francis Drank a lot
Did you have to replace the whole frigate section?
Nautical; eye patch!
No insurance? You might want to consider having Charles Schwab the deck.
Well, you know what they say: Ship Capâns.
If itâs not an invasion of piracy, I heard you broke up with yoâ ho
Aye, a waitress named Kerrie down at the Armada Inn; she had a great
body and no teeth.
You always did go for those scurvaceous types. What nationality was she?
Spanish, mainly; had a fine head of corsair. She told me I was her
first mate.
Was Kerrie-beinâ honest with you about that?
No when I found out, I told her, âThatâs quite a cut-lassâ.
In a fit of anchor, she tossed me overboard.
Was the water cold?
Well, it shriveled me timber!
Did you cry over the breakup?
Not in public, but I will confess to shedding a privateer.
Did Edward Teach you a lesson during your last battle?
Not really; he was a little out of swords that day thatâs how I got
my reputation as a real Blackbeard eraser.
I have to ask: How much for the earrings?
About a buccaneer.
We have no Moor time; make shore you visit our website at:
www.pirate.arg!