Personally to Jarulf

[Nicodemus Phaulkon]

Respect is earned, not given.

Start out as a snot; post a few jibes and get your clock cleaned. Stop. Listen. Learn. LISTEN some more. Approach with respect. Acknowledge personal growth. Acknowledge when you've been put in your place. Acknowledge that this forum and community has standards and practices and etiquettes and norms that were in place and practiced YEARS before you showed up.

This isn't news. This has been reiterated at least a half dozen times by a half dozen members in several different threads in the last month.

How do you approach this situation in real life? How do you walk into a room of strangers that have an established group and try to fit in? Do you immediately start talking at the top of your voice? Do you immediately start espousing your personal vendettas and opinions? Do you do it "your way" and trust that everyone will just have to accept it?

Not if you don't want your ass kicked and forehead marked "perma-jerk".

You mingle. You introduce yourself politely. You strive for a good first impression. You listen to conversations and look for clues. You observe the styles and the methods. You note the Tempers and you note the Cool-heads. You look for friendly smiles... and you return them. Oh, and one last thing: You're NOT going to become Joe Cool on the first night. No one knows who you are, what you are, how you think and what you're capable of. Those are only things that told over time.

And THAT, more than anything, is what seems to be upsetting the newer participants on this forum: They don't believe they have to invest anything of their time or themselves into the community in order to receive respect. Rather an interesting perspective, because each and every one of the Lurkers that HAVE earned respect had to do so the very same way. This isn't elitist; this is reality.

I sympathize. The door's over there, where you came in. Feel free to use it again the other direction. Sorry you felt you were better than the rest of us. Have a nice day.

So how do you parallel this "real life" metaphor into a forum community? It's really not that much of a leap in logic. Do you dress like a social-reject when you go out? Do you use abusive profanity to a group of senior citizens? Do you insult the members sitting around a meeting table? Most likely not, but it's amazing how many people will do the very equivalents to this in an online medium.

Forums are a hard medium for communication. There is no appearance. There is no tone or inflection. There is no body language. There is no facial expression. We try to approximate them as best we can to reinforce our message... but it can STILL be misconstrued SO easily.

So what can you do? Listen. Observe the way the forum operates. Notice what is acceptable and what is not. You can't wear a nice clothes, but you CAN take care to use proper spelling and grammar. Certainly mistakes are understood; it's akin to someone noticing that you didn't tie your necktie correctly: you screwed up, but at least you tried. Maybe someone will kindly pull you aside and even correct it for you.

We're not Ogres. We're Lurkers. We acknowledge our admins and Bolty's generous nature... but this is OUR bloody room. You want to share in the benefits of belonging, be prepared to contribute properly to the community... because the "regulars" DO care about the community.

Did *I* follow all these suggestions? For the most part, yes. I lurked. I learned. I stepped out of line and got nailed, flamed, basted and rotisseried. I've battled and I've baited. I also acknowledged defeats, mistakes and stupidity on my own part. I got my ear tugged by more than one Admin... and each time I had the wherewithal to say "Of course. Sorry 'bout that." I still push the issue at times, but I also still have the humility to say "Ah. Right. Thanks." when a Reg points out that I'm pushing the issue.

I've earned my spot here. I have the mileage. Why the hell would anyone else be exempt from the same requirement?

*tips helm*