Time for more jokes

[WarBlade]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Occhi, I almost choked to death on a big swill of Coke as I read that. Damn near spewed it all over my monitor, too! You're killing me. Literally! :D Keep up the good jokes my man.

That one was part of a longer series of nusrsey rhyme piss takes that have done the email rounds.

Enjoy . . .

> > Jack and Jill
> > Went up the hill
> > To have a little fun-
> > Stupid jill
> > Forgot the pill
> > And now they have a son.
> >
> > Old mother hubbard
> > Went to the cupboard
> > To fetch her dog a bone
> > When she bent over
> > Rover ran over
> > And gave her a bone of his own
> >
> > Mary had a little lamb
> > Her father shot it dead
> > Now it goes to school with her
> > Between two hunks of bread
> >
> > Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
> > Her clothes all tattered and torn.
> > It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
> > But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
> >
> > Simple Simon met a Pieman
> > Going to the fair
> > Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
> > What have you got there?"
> > Said the Pieman unto Simon
> > "Pies, you #$%&head!"
> >
> > Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
> > humpty dumpty had a great fall
> > all the kings horses and all the kings men
> > had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast
> >
> > Mary had a little lamb,
> > It walked into a pylon,
> > 10,000 volts went up it's arse,
> > And turned it's wool to nylon.
> >
> > Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie
> > Kissed the girls and made them cry.
> > When the boys came out to play
> > He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

[ShadowHM]

of a skipping song from my youth. B)

"Cinderella,
dressed in yella,
went upstairs to kiss her fella,
She made a mistake,
kissed a snake,
How many doctors did it take?"

At this point the turners would start going 'pepper' aka turning as fast as they could, while counting how long it took to trip the skipper.

And before anyone asks......
I had NO IDEA what it meant at the time. :blink:

[Striker]

As we all know, Mahatma Ghandi was a spiritual man, one who's life was based somewhat on a simple way of life. For example, Ghandi usually walked around wearing sandals that, more than likely, were uncomfortable to wear over long distances. Another example is his eating habits. He would eat very simple foods and usually just enough to keep his strength up. Due to these types of foods, however, he was afflicted with an unpleasant smelling breath.

So in a way, Ghandi could be described as:

A super calloused, fragile mystic, cursed with halitosis.

[Oomph-aak]

So this polar bear walks into a bar and says
"I'll have a Brandy..."
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
..."and coke."

The bartender replies,
"Why the big pause?"

And the Bear says...
"I've always had big paws."

[Occhidiangela]

Thanks, and hail, I have not seen your name on the forums much lately, nice to see you back. :)

[Count Duckula]

Metaphors and Similes Found in High School Essays


- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room- temperature Canadian beef.

- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't. (someone's been reading Hitchhiker's Guide maybe?)

- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

- The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

- Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

- Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

- She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

- Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[--Pete]

Hi,

While I suspect that everyone here has heard these before, maybe they'll still get at least a smile :)

Metaphysical ponderings:

Why did god play such a joke on men? She gave them two heads, and only enough blood to use one at a time.


Battle of the sexes:

A little boy and a little girl were walking in a country lane discussing which was better, boys or girls. The discussion had been going on for a long time, neither side pulling ahead. Finally, the little boy pulled down his pants and and with a victorious smile said, "Well, I've got one of these."
The little girl looked, shrugged, lifted her skirt and said, "Well, I've got one of these, and with one of these I can get all of *those* that I want."

Conservation of energy.

Two bulls were standing on a hill overlooking a pasture. After a while the young bull said, "Let's run down the hill and mount a cow."
The old bull thought about it for a second and replied, "Let's *walk* down the hill and mount them all."

And finally, a cultural song:

A Scotsman dressed in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by the way he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He stumbled down the road until he could no longer keep his feet,
Then he staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Ring ding didl iddly oh ring ding diddle ay ah
He staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Just then two young and lovely lasses happened by.
One said to the other with a twinkle in her eye,
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built,
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."

Ring ding didl iddly oh ring ding diddle ay ah
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilts

They creped up on that Scotsman just as quiet as could be,
And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there before their eyes to see beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than god had graced him with at birth.

Ring ding didl iddly oh ring ding diddle ay ah
Was nothing more than god had graced him with at birth.

They marveled for a moment and one said, "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
About the star of Scotland that the lifted kilt did show.

Ring ding didl iddly oh ring ding diddle ay ah
About the star of Scotland that the lifted kilt did show.

The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled for the trees.
Behind a bush he lifts his skirt and gawks at what he sees.
And in a voice of wonderment says to what's before his eyes,
"Ach, lad I don't know where you been but I see you've won first prize!"

Ring ding didl iddly oh ring ding diddle ay ah
"Ach, lad I don't know where you been but I see you've won first prize!"

--Pete

[channel1]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $1.2 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. Confronted with the same problem the Soviets used a pencil.

[TaiDaishar]

Let's see if I can get these...

The first quote is from Pyramids.

The next four are from The Fifth Elephant.

The one about setting someone on fire... argh.  Fifth Elephant as well?  So many places it could be...

I do believe the first quote is also from the Fifth Elephant.

[Yrrek]

Axel the Sot sings that song! Funny stuff! :)

[Chevalis]

Three expectant ladies of shall we say "diminished hair-coloration" are sitting in the waiting room of their OB-GYN. The first quips, "We are going to have a daughter, because I was on top."

The second replies, "We are going to have a son, because he was on top."

At this point the third bursts into tears, sobbing uncontrolably.

"What's wrong???" the other two inquire.

Biting back her tears, she wails, "I"M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!"

[Lady Vashj]

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are walking through a junkyard, and they see a $20 bill on the ground. Who picks it up?



Nobody. The smart blonde, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny don't exist, and the dumb blonde think's it's a candy wrapper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a drink, and says, "Anybody wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man next to him notices his white cane, so refrains from decking him straight off, but explains, "The bartender is blond. I am blond, and a semi-professional boxer. The man on the other side of you is blond, six foot four, and built like a Buick. My girlfriend here is a blonde, working on her Master's degree, with a black belt in judo. Do you truly want to tell this joke?"

The blind man considers for a moment, and says, "Nah. Not if I have to explain it four times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think y'all might get the idea that I'm not blonde.

[swirly]

Credit for this one goes to the boyfriend of a friend of mine, though I'm sure it didn't originate there. : )

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

[swirly]

From yet another friend of mine.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.



There is also a slightly more dirty koala version:



Koala picks up a hooker one night. The koala goes down on her, gets her off a few times, then goes to put on his pants and leave.

The hooker protests this and says, "Hey! Where's my money?"

The koala looks confused and she says, "I'm a prostitute, look it up in the dictionary."

He grabs a dictionary and reads, "Prostitute: One who has sex in exchange for money."

He passes her the dictionary and says, "I'm a koala. Look it up." Then he takes off out the door.

She turns to "Koala" and reads, "Koala: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Australian origin, characterized by brown fur and large eats. Eats bush and leaves."

[Bun-Bun]

Heh. The version I've heard most often has an engineer on the ground and a manager in the balloon. It makes a bit more sense (to me), and thus a bit better humor value for us IT types.

[--Pete]

Hi,

A version which I've found even funnier is local to Seattle:

The KIRO traffic helicopter is lost in a fog with its comm gear out. They fly around and spot a building. Getting close to the building they hold up a piece of paper on which they've written, "Where are we?" Someone in the building holds up a rapidly scribbled answer, "You're in a helicopter."

The pilot turns the machine and flies directly to a landing at SeaTac airport. The co-pilot is amazed and asked how he could do that on the information he had. The pilot replies, "Well, the answer we got was technically correct and practically useless, so I knew we had to be at the Microsoft help center, it was easy from there."

--Pete

[swirly]

So far the Microsoft version is my favorite. : )

[NiteFox]

Lessee... Jokes, jokes, jokes... Um...

Hey, have you heard the one about Blizzard releasing the 1.11 patch for StarCraft, that- Oh, wait, that's no longer a joke.

Oh well, perhaps I've used this one here before.

A boss had to fire one of his employees, Martha or Jack. Both were excellent workers and so the decision was a very difficult one.

The day after the Christmas office party, the boss decided that whichever one took a water cooler break first would be the one to receive their marching orders. Unfortunately, as the boss stared out through his office door to the water cooler, both Jack and Martha arrived at the same time. In desperation, he decided that whoever left the cooler last would be the one.

Jack left first, as Martha was slightly hungover from the party the night before. As she fumbled in her purse for some painkillers to take with water, the boss stepped out of his office.

"Now Martha..." He said, "This isn't an easy thing to say, but I have to lay you or Jack off..."

"Then could you jack off?" Martha said. "I've got a headache."

[gimlisam]

This is a personal favorite of mine.

Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Wow, it's getting hot in here."

The other exclaims "Holy crap! A talking muffin!!!"

More will come to me later, I'm sure.

[SwissMercenary]

I believe I first heard this in the form where the people on the ground were mathematicians - always correct, but practically useless.