A joke or two

[Obi2Kenobi]

SICKNESS (you): No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SICKNESS (Spouse): No excuse. Look at it this way, if your spouse was still single, they'd have to take care of themselves and we're sure they'd get along just fine. Having you to baby them while they are sick is a luxury this corporation cannot afford.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

DEATH: (Other Than Your Own): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements of the funeral or whatever you people do when someone in your family croaks. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon hours, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of station work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. If the funeral is after your shift, and your production is done, no problem. Do not attend a funeral before your shift. We can not afford to have you bummed at the job.

DEATH (YOUR OWN): This is an acceptable excuse for missing work provided that if it occurs while you are on duty, that you fall down. We have seen too many instances of staff dying on the job, but in such a manner that it was hard to tell they were truly deceased or just moving at normal speed. Also, we now require two weeks' notice so you can train your replacement.

QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

SICKNESS: (Your Children) No excuse. We didn't tell you to have children. If we had, you could have the time off. Having children was your decision and we regard their sickness as a problem you will have to deal with. This comes under the heading of Personal Problem and is no reason to be allowed to miss work at the radio station.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice! We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed at this company, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. It is also a violation of your contract.. those of you lucky enough to have one.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For Pregnancy): Out of the question. If you will take the proper measures before sex this will not become a problem. Too many times we get someone trained and then they get pregnant. This costs the company money and is not acceptable. If you get pregnant you will be expected to work. We will allow you one day in which to have your baby. You must specify that day 2 weeks in advance. Once you have specified a date for the birth of your child, you MUST stick to it. No exceptions.

THE REST ROOM: Too much time is being spent in the Rest Room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the Rest Room in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with A will go from 8am to 8:05am, B will go from 8:05am to 8:10am, and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the day when your turn comes again.

There are 365 days per year available to work. Of those 52 weeks you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days to work. Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work you have used up 170 days which leaves 91 available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which amounts to another 23 days, leaving only 68 days available. With one hour for lunch you use up another 46 days leaving only 22 available to work. If you take 2 sick days off we are down to only 20 days a year in which to benefit from the fruits of your labor. Add in 5 holidays and 14 vacation days and you are down to one day of work per year. Damned if you can have that off!

[Occhidiangela]

Not sure if these are true or recycled urban myths. Worth a few chuckles in any case.

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....


And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company.The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the
thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

(That last one smells; I have been hearing versions ofthat that tale since 1981. )

[NiteFox]

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.  The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Bravo. Gotta give the guy ten points for quick-thinking in the face of adversity.

[Lady Vashj]

A man walked into a popular bar in Chicago, fired a round into the ceiling, and announced he was holding up the place.

Nobody moved.

They didn't have any weapons of their own; in Chicago, it's illegal to carry weapons in bars. But this was a hunter's bar. Almost everyone in there was a hunter. And they knew their guns. Including the shotgun the thief was holding. Specifically, they knew it held only a single round, which had just blown a hole in the ceiling.

When the ambulance came to pick the guy up - plus three broken bones and numerous bruises, minus the gun and the hearing in one ear - the only-sorta conscious robber asked, "Is it halftime yet?"

"No," replied the EMT, "the game's over. You lost."

[Dozer]

A priest, a rapist, and a child molester walk into a bar......... and that's just the first guy!

*boom-boom-crash* :D

[Lady Vashj]

A priest, a rapist, and a child molester walk into a bar......... and that's just the first guy!

*boom-boom-crash* :D

Okay, now think about that. Was that truly appropriate?

*whacks Dozer with a cod*

[klaptonic]

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."

********************

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

[Lady Vashj]

An author died, and wasn't sure whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. St. Peter gives him a tour of both. In the section of Hell reserved for authors, he sees a smoke-filled room full of people chained to typewriters with red-hot keys, typing furiously under the flaming nail-studded whips of demon editors.
"I don't like the looks of this," he tells St. Peter. "Let's go see Heaven now."
St. Peter takes him to the section of Heaven reserved for authors, where he sees a smoke-filled room full of people chained to typewriters with red-hot keys, typing furiously under the flaming nail-studded whips of demon editors.
"This is as bad as Hell!" he yells.
"Not quite," answers St. Peter. "Here, your work gets published."

[--Pete]

Hi,

OK, so some of these are old and feeble. Maybe that's why I got a kick out of them :)

LIFE: views from someone with nothing better to do

1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

2. Life is sexually transmitted.

3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

5. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


--Pete

[Nastie_Bowie]

10 and 12 are so, so true!

Where's 11?

NB :lol:

[--Pete]

Hi,

I just cut and pasted from an e-mail. Maybe 11 was too odd ;)

--Pete

[Obi2Kenobi]

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?!!!!

You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and
Homeland Security.

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

I'm not 40-something. I'm 39.95, plus shipping and handling.

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

[swirly]

From a friend of mine's page:

why, why, WHY!!??? because some people can appreciate low standards...



what did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown
does this taste funny to you?

what did the scoutmaster say after getting his car's horn fixed
beep repaired

where might one learn to greet people
"Hi!" school

what did the judge say when the skunk took the stand
odor in the court

why don't canteloupes go to funerals
they make them melon-choly

why do canteloupes always have formal weddings
they can't elope

why are barium, helium, and curium called the medical elements
if you can't helium or curium, you barium

what happened to the frog's car when the parking meter expired
it was toad

where does the general keep his armies
in his sleevies

why did the short-changed football team go back in2 the store
they wanted their quarter back

the difference between a meteor and a big mac
the big mac is meatier

why did the Frenchman want only one egg for breakfast
because one egg is un oeuf

if you were driving down the road and you ran over a chicken, which way would the hairs on a carrot's back stand up?
but fish don't eat ice-cream!

what do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously
a receding hareline

why wasn't Eve afraid of getting measles
she'd Adam

what dog can jump higher than a buliding
most any dog; buildings can't jump

"do you hunt bear?"
"not in cold weather!"

how are a chicken and a purple grape alike
they are both purple--except for the chicken

what do you use to fix a broken pumpkin
a pumpkin patch

did you hear about the new pirate movie?
it's rated aaarrr

"when are you starting your bakery business?"
"as soon as i can raise the dough"

"how long will it take you to finish your guide to beer book?"
"it depends on how many drafts i have to go through"

when did caesar reign?
i didn't know he rained. didn't they hail him?

the commedian's wife sued him for trying to joker to death.

i was going to be a tailor, but i just wasn't suited for it.

got heartburn? chew a Tums, and bet your acid'll go away!

cities are usually referred to in a feminine gender because they all have outskirts.

leave dogs alone when they're chasing their tails. they're just trying to make both ends meet.

working on mufflers quickly makes a person exhausted.

i'm a father. isn't that apparent?

to be successful, a doctor must have a lot of patients.

i don't know when i started to like bananas so much. i guess they've always had appeal.

a man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. he calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.

if cows could laugh, would milk come out of their noses?

there was this farmer who was outstanding in his field.

i felt really embarrassed when i opened the refrigerator and saw a Russian dressing.

my vacuum cleaner sucks.

santa's elves are subordinate clauses.

alabaster is money left to an illegitimate child.

nuts are getting to be so expensive they cost you an almond leg.

if a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

when the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in his stomach.

aaaaawwww, what a CUTE angle!

in the words of the great jedi english teacher, "metaphors be with you."

two peanuts were walking downtown and one was assualted...peanut...nevermind

[Drasca]

I am not the author, but I found this funny from
http://www.livejournal.com/users/prodigal/298078.html

12 reasons why gay people should not be allowed to get married (satire)


1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.



Edit: Ack! Preview lost the original title. Fixing for top of page... and after several edits I still can't get the tags right.

[Occhidiangela]

This one begs a great deal of foaming at the mouth. Others can have the pleasure of that.

Y 'all play nice, ya hear? :)

[Doc]

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8-foot grizzly bear beginning to charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around,

"You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Don't Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well." said The Voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

.... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive..."

[LochnarITB]

Don't you realize I have Gunbound and the Diablo siblings to play? ;)

I saw your sig and and thought "How did he do that?" I understood how the info was grabbed but I didn't know how it was imbedded in the image. I expected to see some kind of script in the code and only found an image reference. (Of course, someone out there is now thinking "What a n00b! That has been common knowledge since last Thursday. Get with it moron.") I went to the website but found nothing as to how the embedding is done. I did, however, have to sign up for my own sig to use. Now I just have to wait for my email since I want to change it already. :lol:

[Lady Vashj]

I went to the website but found nothing as to how the embedding is done.  I did, however, have to sign up for my own sig to use.  Now I just have to wait for my email since I want to change it already.  :lol:

I have class in five minutes and no time to hunt this down myself...what website is it?

[LochnarITB]

what website is it?

Fun Sigs

[Lady Vashj]

Got one.