A joke or two

[Obi2Kenobi]

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Politics: You have two cows. One is stupid, the other disagrees with its ideals. It is arrested for terrorism and held in a cell for the rest of its life with no trial. The other is elected president.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

A Bush Family Corporation:
Your daddy gave you two cows. The cows get sick on account of how the pond you put them in got the wrong kinda water. Your daddy's good friends in the Cattle Industry buy the cows at $20 million apiece. The Cattle Industry pays no tax for the next five years cause they're right good folks. The Cattle Industry done give you back the cows. You still got the cows and you made $20 million on the deal. Who said you ain't no kinda businessman?

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. When the strike ends the government has created a Departement des Vaches with a bureaucracy of 5,000. The head of the Departement is your mistress, Fifi de St Arnaud Delacroix de la Grand-Cul. Your children are departmental secretaries earning 500,000 euros per year. There are still only two cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

A Brittish Corporation:
You have two cows. Both are mad. This is OK because the minister of Agriculture Herbert Plunkett Ranfurly-Ernle-Earle-Drax was at school with you and is known to you as 'Whiffle'. He kindly agrees to have the law changed so that your cows can be re-labelled as 'Non-Infectious meat-type product of more than one leg of origin'. Tescos make you pay them to take your cows away. They are machine-reclaimed and sold as premium quality organic beefburgers at 3,000% profit per cow.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as
many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Facism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Traditional Communism:
You have two cows. Jealous neighbours shoot your cows. You are then equal, and everyone is happy. Or at least no-one is more unhappy than anyone else

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Militanairism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

[Xiuhcoatl]

Somehow you overlooked one:

L-O-D-ism: You are new in town and you see a red portal. You enter it and immediately die, but not before seeing 246 very angry, armed cows who moo something about you eating filet mignon. You think you lost out on some grand experience, so you re-enter the portal, recover your mutilated corpse and proceed to make hamburger. You were right; the bar-be-que was worth the experience.

And now, a word from out sponsors: (from http://www.humormatters.com/newspaper.htm )

Classifieds:
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

Free puppies...part German shepherd part dog

2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.

'83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000

Star Wars job of the hut -- $15

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.

Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue89 cents

German shepherd. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks German. free.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell.

Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.

For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man)$50

Nordic track $300hardly used call chubbie

Bill's septic cleaning"we haul American made products"

Shakespeare's pizza free chopsticks

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.

Hummels largest selection ever"if it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.

Nice parachute never opened used once slightly stained

Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.

American flag60 stars pole included$100

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? we offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. starting pay: $7$9 per hour.

Notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87
near southridge storage. please return the pumpkin and be checked. pumpkin
may be radioactive. all other plants in vicinity are dead.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring -$175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer$300.

Actual ad in the NY Times (fact or fiction :o)
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.Wife knows everything.

[Nicodemus Phaulkon]

Nice.

Y'see... the problem here is that you published this, and then I read it at work. Now I have to explain to everyone that the tears in my eyes are NOT because I'm upset...

Grr.

... and give me my damned helm back, Ducky.

[Occhidiangela]

No chance for Brodeur to make a save on that one, it was a beauty from just past the blue line! THe crowd goes wild! :D (And this rogue giggles like a mad fool: I really liked the "1/2 spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog" line. ) :lol:

[Occhidiangela]

A kangaroo hops into a saloon in midtown Manhattan, saunters up the the bar, and catches the eye of the bartender.

"I'll have a Sem Adams heah, mate, if ya please!"

The bartender, mouth wide open in amazement at a talking kangaroo, promptly pours a Sam Adams and brings it to the 'roo.

"That will be $6.00, sir!" he stammers.

The kangaroo reaches into its pouch and pulls out six dollars, giving the barkeep a withering glare. It then watches the basketball game on the TV, a Spurs-Knicks match, with only mild interest as it sips the beer. Soon enough, the glass is empty and the 'roo catches the bartender's eye again.

"Another Sem Adams, please, I'm a bit parched today."

The bartender brings a fresh beer in a fresh glass and asks for another "$6.00 sir!"

The kangaroo gives him another piercing glare, and hands over the money.

The bartender, very uncumfortable and noting the lack of a tip twice in a row, blurts out:

"You know, sir, we don't see very many kangaroos here at the 35th Street Tavern."

To which the kangaroo replies:

"Well, mate, if you keep mistaking a female for a male, can't put rugby or footie on the telly, and charge six dollars a glass for average beer, you won't see any more in the future!"

[Leah_heartsword]

A man walks into a bar, He says ouch.

How may kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go play Diablo II?

The procrastination club has been postponed.

[Count Duckula]

I am SO dead.

-----

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Baajikiil]

Late at night, an armed robber breaks into a house that he thought was empty. He opens a door on the second floor, and is surprised by an elderly couple reading books in their bed.

He points his gun at the woman and asks, "What's your name?"
She replies, "Elizabeth."
He says, "I can't kill you; my mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points his gun at, and asks the elderly man his name.
The man replies, "Ben, but they call me Elizabeth."

[LochnarITB]

I found the following items while digging through a pile of old papers and thought they would be good additions to this thread.
-------------------------------------

Dividing the Nuts
-----------------

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my G-d!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you kid! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

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Bits of Wisdom
--------------

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, some times it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

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Mahatma Ghandi
--------------

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little and fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a... "Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".

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More Bits of Wisdom
-------------------

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore, I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

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Anagrams
--------

An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.

The following are exceptionally clever.

Dormitory ---- Dirty room

Evangelist ---- Evil's agent

Desperation ---- A rope ends it

The Morse Code ---- Here come dots

Slot Machines ---- Cash lost in 'em

Animosity ---- Is no amity

Mother-in-law ---- Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms ---- Alas! No more z's

Alec Guinness ---- Genuine class

Semolina ---- Is no meal

The Public Art Galleries ---- Large picture halls, I bet

A Decimal Point ---- I'm a dot in place

The Earthquakes ---- That queer shake

Eleven plus two ---- Twelve plus one

Contradiction ---- Accord not in it

To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune.

---- In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
---- hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns
---- rotten.

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. - Neil
Armstrong

---- A thin man ran, makes large stride, left planet, pins flag
---- on moon! On to Mars!

President Clinton of the United States

---- To copulate, he finds interns.

[Little Faith]

A seal walks into a club...

[Guest]

[Edit] On the other hand, I apologize for posting this.

[Guest]

Agh! I broke quotes. :blink:

[Count Duckula]

http://txc.net.au/~mapie/freakinbrothers.wmv

It's a bit lewd, but nothing more naughty than what Occhi would post, methinks. Puts a whole new spin on Hava Nagila (and who says Adam Sandler has to dominate the Jewish music market? :D)

Apologies in advance...

[Yrrek]

Haha, that was priceless! :D

[moget?]

Hi,

Couln't help but chuckle at that last one Ducky :D

On that note, here are a couple of flash videos i found amusing (warning: vulgar language and pictures):

The End of the World

mspaint (immature but hilarious)

Enjoy. :lol:

edit: added vulgar warning

[Occhidiangela]

A little naughty, a lot funny. :lol:

[Occhidiangela]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day after suffering a heart attack.

[Griselda]

A couple of unsuspecting lurkers were taken aback by language and pictures in the links in moget?'s post. Since they're not posted here, but just linked to, I just wanted to say- click at your own risk!

-Griselda

[Occhidiangela]

What do Easter Bunnies have to do with the actual "observance of Easter:" the crucifixion and resurrection, and why am I asking this at Christmas time? Consider the following. **

When Jesus was alive, his disciples learned a great deal from Him, and they learned about God being the Alpha and the Omega: The Beginning and the End. They inferred, after the "end that was a beginning" on Golgotha that a Second Coming would happen in their life times: the End Days.

As the original authors of the Gospels figured out that they were going to pass on before He came back, they wrote their accounts of His various works. This helped set certain ideas in place that created the foundations of early Christianity. The early Christians had no Easter Bunnies, and the early Christian Church moved from Palestine to Greece, and eventually to Rome. It is the blossoming in Greece that sparked some interesting doctrinal changes.

Greece is famous for its philosophers. This new wisdom, this message of peace, this new Faith intrigued the philosophical bent of Greek thinkers. Many of these thinkers were loners, and like many early Christians in other lands, hermits who pondered such cosmic riddles as God's mysteries, and even older riddles such as "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" The message of the juxatposed Beginning and the End with its mirror in cyclical natural mysteries provided for them an explanation of where the Chicken came from.

Those who accepted Christianity made an assumption. They assumed or accepted on Faith that Genisis was correct, and so, the Chicken came first. "God made the Heavens and the Earth, and all the beasts, and it was good" etc. Then He made Man and Woman, to whom he gave Dominion over all that. All said and done, Chicken before Egg.

They also noted that God commanded Adam and Eve to go forth, be fruitful, and multiply.

These hermits could not do that, being doomed to Onanism during their hermitage, but while living in isolation in the Wilderness they did observe that Rabbits went forth, were fruitful, and multiplied: like nothing else! With all of the grapes growing in Greece, there is some evidence to show, from ancient amphorae shards found sealed at hermetic sites, that given the synthesis of the wine and the isolation, inspiration ran rampant, as did the rabbits, all over the mountains and hills of Greece.

These Philosphers cum Christians also noted that the rabbits obeyed the Saviour's admonishment to "turn the other cheek." When a fox threatened violence on rabbits, they turned their other cheeks (presenting their rear cheeks to the fox) and "plied swift knees." These new converts to Christianity perceived the rabbit as a holy creature, a natural reflection of cosmic truth.

When the wine wore off, it is surmised, they typically addressed the problem of synthesis: how do all these different pieces of the picture, these different images and visions fit together, they wondered?

Alpha to omega, chicken to egg, beginning to end. The donkey who carried Jesus into Jerusalem, the ass, was Holy, but the Greeks did not divine an ass "holy paragon" such as they saw in the rabbit. In any case, no scriptural evidence for rabbits at the Crucifixion was available. So, no holy ass, and so far, no rabbitical tie in. **Deep puzzlement ensued in the hills of Greece.** As the Holy Days, which we now call holidays, started to be more widely observed, in the forms of masses, the symbolism started to take on certain forms. Beginning and End into another Beginning. Christmas and Easter. The philosophical parallel of this to the Chicken and the egg, the Beginning again that led to another End of Egg and beginning of Chicken. Who was to bear the symbolic resurrected Saviour of Chicken, Egg, to the End? Why not the Holy Rabbit?

So, to bring nature into harmony with philosophy and belief, they started the ceremonial tradition of a rabbit carrying an egg to the altar at Easter in a representation of the cyclical spiritual harmony of nature and the great Cosmic Order of things, as revealed in the wisdom of the Scriptures and the holy amphorae.

And that, dear friends, is why the Easter Bunny now delivers eggs on Easter: it is a modern version of the ceremony celebrating nature's witness to the universality of the commands to go forth, be fruitul and multiply so that the Chicken and Egg shall continue on unto the End Days, as will all of Creation.

An Anti Rabbit, of course, had to be present for the philosophic polemic necessary for any reasoned treatment of Good and Evil, on which tradition the rabbit in the Cave of Caer Banog was drawn. Rather than turning his cheeks, the anti rabbit attacks those who threaten him, "with long pointy teeth" and does not, as did the Holy Greek Hare of the Hermits, turn his other cheek. Terry Jones, a medeival and biblical scholar, knew his stuff when he inserted that scene into Monty Python and the Holy Grail, did he not?




** Consider also that Guinnes and Crown Royal are both as effective as old Greek wine in producing improbable syntheses. :lol:


PS: CCD is what my kids get taught formally by The Church. I have to, where I can, supplement their indoctrination with a more varied, a more well rounded religious education, of which the is a modest example. It's not as good as my explanation about the difference between a Catholic, a Protestant, and a prostitute, but it may help some others understand the mystic symbolism of early Christian ceremony in a different light. :P

[moget?]

Hi,

I guess I should have warned you...sorry!