2006 O.HENRY PUN-OFF

[Alram]

I go every year. It is a heck of a lot of pun.

This year's press release is not out yet; I will post it when the release is released at least. Here is a link to last year's punoff which will give you some of the flavor of the event.
2005 punoff

The Punoff is free to enter and free to attend. Basically there are 2 events you can enter.

To quote Gary Hallock, the organizer:

Spaces are open for 32 competitive punslingers in two different
categories of competition. Many will be left out standing in their
fields as they attempt to harvest this year's bumper crop of corn. Up
for grabs will be the title of "Punniest of Show." This freestyle
competition for punsters with prepared material allows 90 seconds for
creative have-wits from every crook and nanny to stuff their struts.

Later bushel come to shove as another corny crop of 32 contestants
face off in the "High-Lies & Low-Puns" competition. These punsters
are paired up and pared down by battling in wordplay on a given a
topic with strict time limits.

This year there might also be some fun prepunoff events on
Saturday afternoon , May 13th and also the evening of May 19.

[Doc]

Just send Occhi and I straight to the punitentiary and get it over with.

[Alram]

Just send Occhi and I straight to the punitentiary and get it over with.
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I'm opun to that.

[Occhidiangela]

Just send Occhi and I straight to the punitentiary and get it over with.
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I don't want to imprisonate a working comedian.

Occhi

[Vandiablo]

Just send Occhi and I straight to the punitentiary and get it over with.
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hmm, that's because yer the most... pungent?


-V
Contingency Entertainer
The Forsaken Inn

(Edit: title was too short for lack of a hmm.)
(Edit2: title was too long.)

[Occhidiangela]

hmm, that's because yer the most... pungent?
-V
Contingency Entertainer
The Forsaken Inn

(Edit: title was too short for lack of a hmm.)
(Edit2: title was too long.)
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IIRC, you are a left coast person, but couldn't you find a reason to come to Austin and be in the Pun Off?

I think you'd do quite well.

Occhi

[Premezilla]

Just call me the Pun isher. My only weapun is my electronic quill of extreme witticism+4.

[Alram]

BARNES & NOBLE BOOK FAIR TO BENEFIT 2006 O. HENRY PUN-OFF 2006

AUSTIN, April 17 – MEGATONS OF PUNS! Help the Friends of the O. Henry and Dickinson Museums celebrate the lowest form of humor at the 29th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships on Saturday, May 20, 2006. The competition will be held at the O. Henry Museum in Brush Square, downtown Austin, TX (5th Street at Neches). This annual irreverent assault on the English language annually lures both veteran verbivores and naive neophytes for verbal jousting.

Barnes & Noble Westlake is sponsoring a Book Fair during the week of May 13–21 to promote the Pun-Off, and a percentage of sales during that week will be donated to the Friends of the O. Henry and Dickinson Museums. Special vouchers must be presented at the time of purchase to generate donations and will be available through the store, the O. Henry Museum, and at other locations. “We are pleased to support the Pun-Off and the Museums,” said Jo Virgil, Community Relations Director for the Westlake store. “We support many local activities for readers and writers, and this seemed like an exciting and enjoyable way to celebrate a unique Austin event.” The store is hosting two Pun-Off “previews” on Saturday, May 13 at 1:00 pm and on Friday, May 19 at 6:00 pm. Barnes & Noble #2757 (Westlake), 701 S Capital of Texas Hwy (Bee Cave Rd at Hwy 360)

The Pun-Off attracts contestants from throughout the U.S. and is open to 32 “punslingers” in two different categories of competition. Up for grabs will be the title of "Punniest of Show" through a 90-second freestyle competition for punsters using prepared material. In the "High-Lies & Low-Puns" competition, punsters battle in wordplay on a given a topic with strict time limits. The last punster left standing at the end of the grueling competition is declared the winner.
The Pun-Off begins at high noon and music will be furnished by “MoPac and the Blue Suburbans” starting at 11 am. The Friends of the O. Henry and Dickinson Museums will hold a Bargain Book Sale and a Silent Auction at the event to benefit the restoration of Susanna Dickinson’s historic home. Auction items include gift certificates and donations from local artists, restaurants, stores, sports venues, and local businesses. Customers may pay with cash, checks, or credit cards. Revenue from refreshment and souvenir sales helps to support educational projects at the Museum, including writing programs for local students. The O. Henry Museum is located at 409 E. 5th St., Austin, TX 78701.
For more information, contact the Museum at 512-472-1903, Barnes & Noble Westlake at 512-328-3652, or visit www.punpunpun.com.

[Vandiablo]

IIRC, you are a left coast person, but couldn't you find a reason to come to Austin and be in the Pun Off? 

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Hmm, would the Dixie Chicks be performing there?? That would be good...

Maybe you remember that I am green. You know, it's not easy being green. From this distance the only green I see in Texas is $$$, golf courses, and shrubs. The latter are my most welcome, but unfortunately they are routinely hacked to pieces and hauled off by the likes of quail-raisers and sons of Quayle co-racers.

I might like to visit Texas someday and see an endangered species: the Lone Star Bluestatebird. This queer bird was so threatened just 2 or 3 years ago that a passionate conservationist, or conservative I forget which, named Tom D. set aside large swaths of Texas where the Bluestatebirds were protected. To keep the economy from being burdened by such set-asides, however, he made sure that in the majority of Texas would be Bluestatebirds-free zones, so that business-as-usual could continue.

I think you'd do quite well.

Maybe, if they allowed half an hour per response.

-V
Manager of Manger Rangers
The Forsaken Inn

[Occhidiangela]

I might like to visit Texas someday and see an endangered species: the Lone Star Bluestatebird. This queer bird was so threatened just 2 or 3 years ago that a passionate conservationist, or conservative I forget which, named Tom D. set aside large swaths of Texas where the Bluestatebirds were protected. To keep the economy from being burdened by such set-asides, however, he made sure that in the majority of Texas would be Bluestatebirds-free zones, so that business-as-usual could continue.
Maybe, if they allowed half an hour per response.

-V
Manager of Manger Rangers
The Forsaken Inn
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Dear prospective Texas Tourist:

Texas is surprisingly green, when you visit the green areas. I note that the Left Coast isn't as green as you might presume, having lived in an irrigated desert there some years ago. But back to Texas. The Big Thicket country is particularly green, with its magnificent pine and pecan trees, and would please you. So too is the sour cream that Mrs Occhi leaves in the back of the fridge, but I digress.

While Texas lost its Frogs some centuries ago, their banner (Torn Flesh of Tadpoles) still flies over the ubiquitous Six Flags tourist and fly traps. Those sites are optional, not required, destinations. We have gourmet restaurants in all of the major cities, pretensious cafés even, where frog's are served. Oh, wait, maybe that is no inducement to come visit!

Anyweigh, Señor Verde, you should visit. Greens abound in the Austin area, including a purely green Edwards Aquifer recharge zone that is development free, and shall remain so! One of my good friends is a green who lives in Kyle, a half hour south of Austin. He works in the water management directorate at the capital: Austin.

The species you wish to espy through your *cough* blinders *cough* binoculars runs rampant in Austin, ranging virtually unmolested. Travis County is a Bluestatebird reservation, clearly depicted on the fourth map from the top on this page. You will note that it is deep in the heart of Texas, :whistling: and happens to be where the punoff will occur. Your coloric fears of the Lone Star state are baseless, which belong to us. Do you really feel the time limit might clean your clock in a competition, or do you demure thanks to a mild case of punnish envy? :whistling: Fear not, your pun is safe from ridicule in the company of Lurkers.

You need not venture out into the wilds of the Llano Estacado, Big Bend Country, the Wild Horse Desert, the Piney Woods, nor even beyond the Balcones Escarpment in order to enjoy an immersive weekend amongst a veritable gaggle of Texas Bluestatebirds, puns, cold beer, and Rudy's Bar B Que'd lean brisket soaked in Rudy's Bar B Que sauce. (It is truly delicious, even if the Bar B Que sauce is red. Sauce is apolitical, pardner.)

Won't you reconsider?

FWIW, the Texas state bird is the Mockingbird, of which Cackling Molly Ivins is the most famous specimen. In case you hadn't heard, Tom D has left the building: he learned a new appreciation for the word railroad, this time from the receiving side. Doctor Irony Beard's class was in session.

Occhi, one of the Texas Rangers who says "ñé!"

[Alram]

online sign up and info for the Punoff

[Alram]

Update:

Although we got the registration site up a bit late, it's really 
taking off.
Already our rank ranks are about 1/3rd of the way filled. If you have 
hesitated
to register for any (or no) reason, you might want to think twice 
about doing
that any longer. Go ahead and dive in there while you still have the 
nerve.

Visit the official Pun-Off website http://www.punpunpun.com

The Pun-Off is on Saturday, May 20 and we'll be holding several 
"extra credit"
events in the weeks just prior. I'm sure you'll want to stay tuned in 
to all of
these opportunities. If you find that you are at all hesitant to dive 
in again,
you may want to sign onto our YahooGroup for aspiring and inspiring 
punsters.

Subscribe to this group, send a blank email to:
    punoff-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

...and go here to register for the Pun-Off now!

http://application.microassist.net/punoff

I'll be in touch again soon about some other cool stuff we can get 
together on
before May 20th.

Gary Hallock

Incidentally, I will be an MC this year instead of competing.

[Alram]

Interview with the Pirate of Punzance
Written / performed by Brian Oakley & Stephen Fuller
Winner of MVP, 27th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off May 15, 2004

I understand that your heritage goes all the way back to New
Testament times to the very first buccaneer

Right, Pontius Pontius Pirate.

Was he appointed by one of the seven Caesars?
No elected by secret ballast.

And later cannon-ized, as I recall. Your father was a shipping
typhoon in thermal underwear?
Yep he a-mast a lot of Long John Silver during the boom.

Did he make a fortune?
A-vast! And it’s still acrew-ing interest

You aren’t one of those doped up church robbers, are you?
No, you’ve got me confused with those Stoned Temple Pirates.

I saw your new boat; beautiful color-maroon - Get it on sail?
No, I won it gambling at mumblety-peg leg doubloon or nothing.

How’s the mileage per galleon?
Great, but my deckhand Frankie put a dinghy in the side so I docked
his pay and made him caulk the plank.

A stern penalty. Was he drunk?
Sure, Francis Drank a lot

Did you have to replace the whole frigate section?
Nautical; eye patch!

No insurance? You might want to consider having Charles Schwab the deck.
Well, you know what they say: Ship Cap’ns.

If it’s not an invasion of piracy, I heard you broke up with yo’ ho
Aye, a waitress named Kerrie down at the Armada Inn; she had a great
body and no teeth.

You always did go for those scurvaceous types. What nationality was she?
Spanish, mainly; had a fine head of corsair. She told me I was her
first mate.

Was Kerrie-bein’ honest with you about that?
No when I found out, I told her, “That’s quite a cut-lass”.
In a fit of anchor, she tossed me overboard.

Was the water cold?
Well, it shriveled me timber!

Did you cry over the breakup?
Not in public, but I will confess to shedding a privateer.

Did Edward Teach you a lesson during your last battle?
Not really; he was a little out of swords that day that’s how I got
my reputation as a real Blackbeard eraser.

I have to ask: How much for the earrings?
About a buccaneer.

We have no Moor time; make shore you visit our website at:
www.pirate.arg!

[Alram]

The following routine won a few years ago:

                      Tex-Mexistentialism

            "Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno."

      I've discovered a wonderful new philosophy that has raised my
consciousness as well as my cholesterol. It's called Tex-
Mexistentialism.

            It all started with the philosopher Juan-Paul Salsa, who
wrote, "To Bean, or Nacho to Bean, that is the Queso."

            He was followed by his great disciple, Descarta Blanca,
who said, "I Pinto, therefore, Cayenne."

            Some trace it to ancient Grease, where the great thinker
Aristortilla wrote the book Plata's RePulpo.

            Meanwhile, over in ancient India, they believed in Chili
con Karma - that what Casa round, Carne's around.

            And back in the Holy Land, The prophet Masa brought The
Ten Comidas:

                        "Thou Salt not Tequila."
                        "Honor Tamale and thy Papaya."
                        "Blessed are the Migas, for they shall
Ranchero the Burps."
                        "Give a man an Enchilada, he'll Taco Mole."
                        "Arroz is Arroz by Flameada name."
                        "In the Picante, Guisada Cerveza'd the
Hongas and the Verde. And he saw that it was Food."

            I'd like to close by reciting The Lard's Prayer:

                        "Our Fajita, who art in Huevos,
                        Pollo'd be Muy Bueno.
                        Thy Corona come, thy Chili be Con, on Cuervo
it is El Jefe.
                        Forgive us our Tres Amigos, as we forgive
those who Seis Salsas against us.
                        Lettuce not into Tomatillo, but Nuevo us
from Fritos.
                        For thine is the Gringo, the Agua and the
Chorizo.
                        In the name of the Flauta, and of the Flan,
and of the Frijole ghost.
                        A-Menudo."
                          (By Steve Brooks)

[Alram]

Public Access Television of
Austin will broadcast the tape of the 2005 Pun-Off on Sunday, May 14th at Noon on Ch 16. They'll be running it several more times in the next few weeks. Their schedule is online so you can go on and follow it yourself. (There are 3 channels to choose from)

http://austinpact.org/programming/schedule.php

Of course these cable channels are only available in Austin to customers of Time Warner.


Out of a possible 32 sluts, there are currently 28 names registered in POS and 25 in HL/LP. So, any Lurkers who want to compete and have not yet signed up should sign up ASAP.

[Griselda]

Out of a possible 32 sluts, there are currently 28 names registered  in POS and 25 in HL/LP. So, any Lurkers who want to compete and have not yet signed up should sign up ASAP.
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I didn't realize that you attracted that kind of clientele. :P

(Sorry, where's Occhi when you need him?)

[Occhidiangela]

I didn't realize that you attracted that kind of clientele.  :P

(Sorry, where's Occhi when you need him?)
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Occhi will be at the contest. Registration complete.

Sadly, when I sat down to write some stuff the other day, the muse left the room. I couldn't find her, so I sent to dog to go looking for her. When he drags her back, her ear clenched firmly between his jaws, we'll try again, or he'll just let her go and mutter "Muse, ick" under his breath on his way to drink from the toilet.

Occhi

[Alram]

Watch a KLRU video clip about the Punoff
And yes, I am in it.

[Occhidiangela]

Watch a KLRU video clip about the Punoff
And yes, I am in it.
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When I get home tonight, I will be contacting Gary and withdrawing. My son had surgery on his arm Wednesday, and it was a bit rougher than expected. He needs me to be at home, making him laugh and cheering him up more than I need to be gratifying my need to try and make a room full of wonderful strangers laugh.

I cancelled the hotel reservation.

My rough lasted 74 seconds on last night's walkthrough, with the final punchline from "Why the Navy Mascot is a Goat" closes the groanfest with the Italian watching a livestock carrying ship (with Elsie at the helm) crash into the pier in Genoa:

"The dockworker, Steva Doré, threw up his hands and declared 'You can lead a cow to water, but you no can make her a steer."

If you like, I can send you tonight's amended version and anyone who cares can present it, and then set fire to it, as a non competitive burnt offering.

Occhi

[Alram]

When I get home tonight, I will be contacting Gary and withdrawing.  My son had surgery on his arm Wednesday, and it was a bit rougher than expected.  He needs me to be at home, making him laugh and cheering him up more than I need to be gratifying my need to try and make a room full of wonderful strangers laugh. 

I cancelled the hotel reservation.

My rough lasted 74 seconds on last night's walkthrough, with the final punchline from "Why the Navy Mascot is a Goat" closes the groanfest with the Italian watching a livestock carrying ship (with Elsie at the helm) crash into the pier in Genoa:

"The dockworker, Steva Doré, threw up his hands and declared  'You can lead a cow to water, but you no can make her a steer."

If you like, I can send you tonight's amended version and anyone who cares can present it, and then set fire to it, as a non competitive burnt offering.

Occhi
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I am sorry to hear about the injury of your son. Perhaps we will meet next year. It is really too bad that you cannot make it; it is a hell of a lot of fun.