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Uh Oh! Metrication? - Doc - 12-19-2004

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh'
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,

your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

(16.) Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Guest - 12-19-2004

Thats funny?
Its just a bunch of fluff put around someone saying "Youre Presisdent is bad".

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Doc - 12-19-2004

Ghostiger,Dec 19 2004, 10:51 AM Wrote:Thats funny?
Its just a bunch of fluff put around someone saying "Youre Presisdent is bad".
[right][snapback]63145[/snapback][/right]


Only for the ignorant.

The subtle jabs at football, our sports, our beer, our spelling, all funny as hell. It's a great running gag on the pussification of America.

But I don't expect you to get that. :P


Uh Oh! Metrication? - ShadowHM - 12-19-2004

Thanks for the smile, Doc.

I haven't seen that one for a few years, and it is good to be reminded once in a while. :)

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Guest - 12-19-2004

You have it backwards, my insulting poster.

He used cute and cliche, humerous barbs to give himself as cover to make yet another boring complaint against Americans choice of a President.



Im all for anyone, including Euros explaining their opinions on US politic. Of course I like most other American gennerally just ignore those people.

This is just a way to rip on the US Pres, but instead of giving an explaination which would turn people off, he gives a bunch of unrelated joke.


I dont think the issue is that, I am "ignorant". I think the issue is that you are a sucker.

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Doc - 12-19-2004

Ghostiger,Dec 19 2004, 12:03 PM Wrote:You have it backwards, my insulting poster.

He used cute and cliche, humerous barbs to give himself as cover to make yet another boring complaint against Americans choice of a President.
Im all for anyone, including Euros explaining their opinions on US politic. Of course I like most other American gennerally just ignore those people.

This is just a way to rip on the US Pres, but instead of giving an explaination which would turn people off, he gives a bunch of unrelated joke.
I dont think the issue is that, I am "ignorant". I think the issue is that you are a sucker.
[right][snapback]63150[/snapback][/right]

Insulting? No... Teasing perhaps. Is this going to wind up on Jerry Springer? Do you have a permit for that vegetable peeler? Now now, put it down.

And a sucker for what exactly? I would love to here you natter on all day over this. Please, do, give a detailed explaination about why I am a "sucker." Er, pardon, must be proper about this. A lollipop. Make sure you can actually pin down the exact reason why, or forever lose credibility here on these forums. Oh, wait, that will not work here. Anyhow, procede, and offer a full run down.



Uh Oh! Metrication? - Minionman - 12-19-2004

Doc,Dec 19 2004, 09:29 AM Wrote:NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

(16.) Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
[right][snapback]63143[/snapback][/right]

These ones are great.

Some of the other ones are a bunch of bad "culture ego" stuff.

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Occhidiangela - 12-19-2004

:whistling:
Doc,Dec 19 2004, 09:29 AM Wrote:NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)[right][snapback]63143[/snapback][/right]

Doc, the likelihood that Basil Fawlty/John Cleese penned this is remote. Cleese is clever and funny, this is somewhat long winded. The piece you provided is a collection of jabs that Brits have been tossing across the pond for years. See also the stuff that Ted Nugent and George Carlin have been attributed as saying, which they have both denied frequently. (The "Bad American" bit is one of them)

Some wag added the Presidential re election wheeze to this old chestnut, and tried to pass it off as Cleese. How unfair to Mr Cleese, who is a rare wit.

I still want to know how one pronounces the word "truck" as "lorry" and the word "trunk" as "boot" and the word "hood" as "bonnet." At least "curry" is pronounced "curry," and beer is beer: in pronunciation anyway. (P.S.: German beer aces Brit beer, and Guinness owns them all.)

I'd say the Brits are way too French in their language, given the piece above, since they apparently love to have all those extra letters in their words that stand about silently, the way the French did when the UN oil for food program was being corrupted. :) And the Brits would be proud of that? Not bloody likely, they try to be as un-Frog as possible. :whistling:

Occhi

EDITED due to some Ghostigerish spelling errors. My bad.

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Guest - 12-19-2004

We pretty much agree, but you said it politically.





Uh Oh! Metrication? - ShadowHM - 12-19-2004

Occhidiangela,Dec 19 2004, 01:56 PM Wrote:I'd say the Brits are way too French in their language, given the piece above, since they apparently love to have all those extra letters in their words that stand about silently

[right][snapback]63156[/snapback][/right]

Ah, but Occhi.....

How can there be honour without 'u' in it? :P

<----the Canuck who also insists on all those extra 'u's in her spelling :)


Uh Oh! Metrication? - Doc - 12-19-2004

When I was getting edjoomacated, any paper turned in to a certain teacher with out the "U"s in their proper place was automatically flunked. Hated it at first. Now, I do it with out thinking. Not sure how that works. And the people that do put "U"s in their proper place for some reason become irked when other people do not. Shadow, do you feel this way? Does it bother you when somebody does not spell colour the way that it should be?

Tis an odd thing.

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Zarathustra - 12-19-2004

Occhidiangela,Dec 19 2004, 12:56 PM Wrote:(P.S.: German beer aces Brit beer, and Guinness owns them all.)

<ot>
Occhi, a link for you. I've yet to order some to try, but a friend in California who shares my taste in beer swears by it.
</ot>


Uh Oh! Metrication? - Chaerophon - 12-19-2004

Doc,Dec 19 2004, 12:30 PM Wrote:When I was getting edjoomacated, any paper turned in to a certain teacher with out the "U"s in their proper place was automatically flunked. Hated it at first. Now, I do it with out thinking. Not sure how that works. And the people that do put "U"s in their proper place for some reason become irked when other people do not. Shadow, do you feel this way? Does it bother you when somebody does not spell colour the way that it should be?

Tis an odd thing.
[right][snapback]63161[/snapback][/right]

It doesn't bother me when Americans do it, as far as I know, you guys have formally changed that part of the language, have you not? Aren't Americans taught 'labour' as 'labor' and 'colour' as 'color'? In Canada, we are taught U.K. english. What often results is a mismash of 'colour' and 'organize' (rather than organise). Personally? I like the 'u' and I think the 'zed' (not zee) makes much more sense, so that is, in fact, what I do. :)

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Minionman - 12-19-2004

ShadowHM,Dec 19 2004, 02:24 PM Wrote:Ah, but Occhi.....

How can there be honour without 'u' in it?    :P

<----the Canuck who also insists on all those extra 'u's in her spelling   :)
[right][snapback]63160[/snapback][/right]

What a colorful little thread about spelling, the issue at the center of this argument. I'm sure we can all be honorable about it. I have nothing more to say, and the room is getting drafty, so I'll go fantasize about playing soccer.

Did I spell all that right? :)

Edit: I can't actually play soccer, since the snow is maybe a half an inch deep.

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Doc - 12-19-2004

Chaerophon,Dec 19 2004, 03:42 PM Wrote:It doesn't bother me when Americans do it, as far as I know, you guys have formally changed that part of the language, have you not?&nbsp; Aren't Americans taught 'labour' as 'labor' and 'colour' as 'color'?&nbsp; In Canada, we are taught U.K. english.&nbsp; What often results is a mismash of 'colour' and 'organize' (rather than organise).&nbsp; Personally?&nbsp; I like the 'u' and I think the 'zed' (not zee) makes much more sense, so that is, in fact, what I do.&nbsp; :)
[right][snapback]63164[/snapback][/right]


So we take the "U" out of "color" but not out of "should" eh?

How terribly silly.

Shold we?


Uh Oh! Metrication? - Munkay - 12-19-2004

Funny read Doc,

Thanks for it. I must say there isn't much I haven't read before.

It's always a good quality to have a sense of humor about your own background.

Or shold I say backgrond? :P

Cheers,

Munk

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Doc - 12-19-2004

Munkay,Dec 19 2004, 04:48 PM Wrote:Funny read Doc,

Thanks for it.&nbsp; I must say there isn't much I haven't read before.

It's always a good quality to have a sense of humor about your own background.

Or shold I say backgrond?&nbsp; :P

Cheers,

Munk
[right][snapback]63169[/snapback][/right]


Stop that! If we take all the "U"s ot of or postings Bolty or Griselda is bond to ban me.

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Treesh - 12-19-2004

Doc,Dec 19 2004, 03:51 PM Wrote:Stop that! If we take all the "U"s ot of or postings Bolty or Griselda is bond to ban me.
[right][snapback]63171[/snapback][/right]
Just remember, the more "u"s you leave out, the more people retaliate by spelling "you" as "u" and "your" as "ur". That's the real reason behind those spellings - retaliation for "color" and "neighbor". ;)

Uh Oh! Metrication? - Chaerophon - 12-19-2004

Treesh,Dec 19 2004, 02:17 PM Wrote:Just remember, the more "u"s you leave out, the more people retaliate by spelling "you" as "u" and "your" as "ur".&nbsp; That's the real reason behind those spellings - retaliation for "color" and "neighbor". ;)
[right][snapback]63174[/snapback][/right]

Curse those MSN language activists! That being said, you have to respect their passion for the cause... ;)

Uh Oh! Metrication? - ShadowHM - 12-19-2004

Doc,Dec 19 2004, 03:30 PM Wrote:Shadow, do you feel this way? Does it bother you when somebody does not spell colour the way that it should be?

[right][snapback]63161[/snapback][/right]

Only when they try to correct me ... ;)

Defense instead of defence, for example.