04-29-2003, 08:53 PM
I didn't get that until you explained... Apparently neither did Duckula...
On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(Instead of irregular soap . . .?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this
one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And for those of us as immature as I am...
Sometimes ...
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears......
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes...
when you are worried....
no one sees your stress......
Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ......
But FART just one time...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory,some just don't have film.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
~Steven Wright
On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(Instead of irregular soap . . .?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this
one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And for those of us as immature as I am...
Sometimes ...
when you cry ...
no one sees your tears......
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes...
when you are worried....
no one sees your stress......
Sometimes ...
when you are happy ...
no one sees your smile ......
But FART just one time...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory,some just don't have film.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
~Steven Wright