Dark Clouds Gather

[RTM]

because pie > cake
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Now here's some drama i can get behind!



The pie/cake debate has gone on for centuries and diminished in magnitude only with the advent of the cheescake, and then only for a short period of time before resuming its previous intensity. It's a little-known fact that the 1906 San Fransisco earthquake was initiated by a rogue group of pie-lovers as retribution for the late 19th and early 20th century success of the San Fransico cake manufacturing industry.

The conflict boils down to this: delicious fruit filling or moist fluffy sweetness. Proponents on both sides will point out that there is more to a pie than the filling (crust, for example) and more to a cake than fluffy sweetness (icing, for example) but that is a crock of baloney. Attempts at compromise have been attempted by combining various aspects of pies and cakes, and all have been universally met with derision or after a short period of acceptence disappeared into the annals of history. I am referring mainly to the Great Pake Fad of 1836, of course. While initially it appeared that pake would be the uniting catalyst between pie lovers and cake lovers, the tides of hate could not be stemmed (and in fact increased in intensity after the fad passed) by the tasty treat. This deepening hatred was the major contributor to the Civil War of the 1860's which many people mistakenly attribute to the relatively minor debate over slavery.

To be honest, I side with cake. It is the food of the upper class. While dirty pie-lovers fling their pastries willy-nilly into each other's faces while dressed in garish clown suits, cake afficianados sip tea with pinkies raised while nibbling petit-fours in air-conditioned parlours the world over. Over the years pie has diluted its once prestigous fruit heritage with half-baked knock-offs like custard, pumpkin, pecan, and mince. Cake has remained true to its fluffy heritage, although pie-lovers will claim that fruitcake is an example of the gross incestual bastardization of the prestigious cake lineage. This is simply not true, and shows a lack of intelligence on the pie side. Fruitcake was created as a secret side project with the government, who needed an edible substance that would survive a nuclear holocaust. The distribution of fruitcake was entrusted to agents disguised as old great-aunts and distant unliked relatives so as not to draw suspicion to the true reason for its creation. But I digress.

Famous cake eaters have included such illustrious personages as President Woodrow Wilson, Joan of Arc, Mozart, Jimi Hendrix, the entire cast of 'Scrubs', and Mark Hamill. Pie lovers, conversely, share company with such dregs as street corner drug dealers, country music singers, Whoopi Goldberg, and clowns. Ted Bundy's last meal included pie.

Marriage is a solemn vow and one not to be taken lightly and it is for that reason that pie is shunned during the celebrations of this most momentous commitment. A pie-cutting ceremony simply would not convey the depth of meaning associated with the marriage vows. Cakes have been used in 94% of all presidential fundraising dinners since 1875 due to an independent study which claimed that potential donors are rich, and rich people eat cake. Cakes are used to celebrate a loved one's birthday, because pie sucks.

The drama between pie and cake will never cease even though the superiority of cake is obvious. What will it take for the world to wake up and realize this? I submit that nothing short of nuclear holocaust will be effective.