03-14-2004, 06:55 AM
As a responsible and law-abiding motorist, I must abide by Ontario's Drive Clean laws. Essentially, if a car is over three years old and under twenty years old, Ontario residents must have an emissions test performed on their car every two years. If your car fails the test, you cannot renew your license plates.
The emissions test ensures that cars do not pollute the environment any more than is absolutely necessary. It's a good program and I support it wholeheartedly.
Today I took my car in for an emissions test. My plates expire next month, and I wanted to give myself some time just in case I needed some engine work done in the event that my car failed the test. I've been quite nervous about the testing process because my car is a 1987 Toyota Camry. It's been very well maintained, but it's still a 17 year old car. I have been fretting over the possiblilty of it failing the test and requiring some costly engine maintenance.
I fidgetted and paced while my car was hooked up to the testing machine. It was a lot like being in a hospital. The patient had all sorts of tubes and hoses hooked up to every oriface, and was being monitored by guys in white lab coats and various machines. I was half-expecting someone to come bursting into the waiting room yelling, "Congratulations, you are now the father of a 2004 Tercell!" and handing me a comically large cigar.
Well, that didn't happen and the testing process ended with little fanfare. The machine beeped and that was it. They drove the car around to the front of the shop and handed me the keys.
Nervously, I asked "Did I win?"
The white-coated wrench-jockey said "Yeah, you did fine" and handed me the readout. I paid the fee and went home feeling quite proud of myself (and my car).
I (or rather, my car) passed the emissions test with flying colours. My car kicked that emissions testing machine's ass all over the place.
I compared the results of the test with the results of the testing done two years ago, and was dumbfounded. My car produces less pollution now. It wasn't just a little bit less either. My car now emits 1/3rd of harmful pollution than it did two years ago, on average.
With this data I have come to the following two conclusions. These are the only two logical conclusions I could possibly come up with given the overwhelming evidence.
1. My car is travelling back in time.
![[Image: backtothefuture.jpg]](http://s88432259.onlinehome.us/images/backtothefuture.jpg)
Despite not having had any major powertrain maintenance performed on my car over the past two years, my car is somehow producing less polluting emissions. The only logical conclusion is that it is travelling back in time. This is a conclusion not supported by my odometer, but I suspect that the odometer is jealous because it has nothing to do with my car's super-clean emissions. All it does is sit there and count, the lazy bastard.
While a time-travelling car sounds like a great thing to possess, please keep in mind that my car can only travel back in time, and does so at a constant rate. One day my car will revert into its constituent elements and all I'll be left with is a hunk of iron ore in my parking spot.
2. My car will soon produce negative pollution.
(I don't have a witty image to insert like I did for the last part. Apologies abound.)
I have unscientifically plotted out the pollution emitted by my '87 Camry over time. When I extrapolate into the future, it becomes quite clear to me that my car will produce negative pollution (I like to call it "anti-pollution") sometime next late next year.
Quite simply, my car will actually start cleaning polluted air as I drive around. This may be accompanied by a fragrant, hypo-allergenic scent, but I am unable to determine if it will be floral or fruit-based.
I fully expect that the air freshener industry will soon be hounding me for a consumer license, but I am already taking steps to patent my discovery. Production of the 1/100th scale anti-pollution '87 Toyota Camrys should on the market in time for Christmas.
The emissions test ensures that cars do not pollute the environment any more than is absolutely necessary. It's a good program and I support it wholeheartedly.
Today I took my car in for an emissions test. My plates expire next month, and I wanted to give myself some time just in case I needed some engine work done in the event that my car failed the test. I've been quite nervous about the testing process because my car is a 1987 Toyota Camry. It's been very well maintained, but it's still a 17 year old car. I have been fretting over the possiblilty of it failing the test and requiring some costly engine maintenance.
I fidgetted and paced while my car was hooked up to the testing machine. It was a lot like being in a hospital. The patient had all sorts of tubes and hoses hooked up to every oriface, and was being monitored by guys in white lab coats and various machines. I was half-expecting someone to come bursting into the waiting room yelling, "Congratulations, you are now the father of a 2004 Tercell!" and handing me a comically large cigar.
Well, that didn't happen and the testing process ended with little fanfare. The machine beeped and that was it. They drove the car around to the front of the shop and handed me the keys.
Nervously, I asked "Did I win?"
The white-coated wrench-jockey said "Yeah, you did fine" and handed me the readout. I paid the fee and went home feeling quite proud of myself (and my car).
I (or rather, my car) passed the emissions test with flying colours. My car kicked that emissions testing machine's ass all over the place.
I compared the results of the test with the results of the testing done two years ago, and was dumbfounded. My car produces less pollution now. It wasn't just a little bit less either. My car now emits 1/3rd of harmful pollution than it did two years ago, on average.
With this data I have come to the following two conclusions. These are the only two logical conclusions I could possibly come up with given the overwhelming evidence.
1. My car is travelling back in time.
Despite not having had any major powertrain maintenance performed on my car over the past two years, my car is somehow producing less polluting emissions. The only logical conclusion is that it is travelling back in time. This is a conclusion not supported by my odometer, but I suspect that the odometer is jealous because it has nothing to do with my car's super-clean emissions. All it does is sit there and count, the lazy bastard.
While a time-travelling car sounds like a great thing to possess, please keep in mind that my car can only travel back in time, and does so at a constant rate. One day my car will revert into its constituent elements and all I'll be left with is a hunk of iron ore in my parking spot.
2. My car will soon produce negative pollution.
(I don't have a witty image to insert like I did for the last part. Apologies abound.)
I have unscientifically plotted out the pollution emitted by my '87 Camry over time. When I extrapolate into the future, it becomes quite clear to me that my car will produce negative pollution (I like to call it "anti-pollution") sometime next late next year.
Quite simply, my car will actually start cleaning polluted air as I drive around. This may be accompanied by a fragrant, hypo-allergenic scent, but I am unable to determine if it will be floral or fruit-based.
I fully expect that the air freshener industry will soon be hounding me for a consumer license, but I am already taking steps to patent my discovery. Production of the 1/100th scale anti-pollution '87 Toyota Camrys should on the market in time for Christmas.