music that made you cry

[Vandiablo]

All Dogs go to Heaven?? I haven't seen that one in a loooong time. (Wasn't the main dog in that movie a German Shepherd? Maybe he was just a mutt

umm, well, i would answer that, except:

VanDiablo: PLEASE don't tell me that movie is All Dogs Go to Heaven! PLEASE! (I might have to join you in your shame.)

Okay, I won't tell you that it was, er, whether it was or not.

But lemme tell you this-- our family dog when I was growing up was a German Shepherd. We had her 11 years and she was a big sweetie. She was traveling with us out of state when she became very ill (seizures)-- my parents stayed at a veterinary hospital with her while my brother and I (young adults) returned home to our jobs. When I told her goodbye I knew it was probably the final goodbye. It was indeed. She was sedated at that point, but when I spoke to her she was able to look up at me, for which I was very thankful. After my parents left with her for the hospital, I went to a room by myself and bawled for 10 or 15 minutes, despite being 21 and male. (My bro, 28, and his father-in-law, they had the good sense to leave me alone.)

And this-- 7 months later my family got another GSD, a puppy. When I moved out of my parents house, this dog moved with me. She lived to be 14 years 6 mos, over 10 of which she was totally my dog (except to a lesser extent she was my wife's dog too). She was also a sweetie, and was my best friend during times when I really needed one. She was also a surrogate daughter, since I was childless. When she finally went, it was time for her to go-- she couldn't walk without help, she needed three different medications every day, her back end needed frequent washing, all the joys of old age. I scheduled a date to put her down, giving myself three weeks to prepare myself emotionally. Two weeks later, she developed a fever, (she was obviously uncomfortable) I took her to the emergency vet (it was sunday) they gave her fluids and gave us antibiotics to give her. We were all aware she was only around another week, and the possibility of putting her down that day was floated. But, I just couldn't do it a week early. Mind you, she wasn't in misery (I have seen dogs that far gone) except for being sick. I asked if they could give her some kind of shot or something to make her feel okay until the fever went away. They gave her a shot. We took her to my parents house. When we got there, she was feeling better, happy to be there (she always loved going there). We put her in the living room and let her rest. I checked up on her throughout the afternoon. One time I checked to find her lying on her side and breathing a bit hard. I told everyone else in the house that this was probably it and we all sat around her. I sat there with my arms around her, repeatedly telling her to her ear that she was a good girl, that we all loved her, as her breaths got deeper.. her mouth got cold.. her eyes glazed.. and then she stopped breathing. This was exactly how I had wanted to say goodbye, but I was still not totally prepared. I was 36 at this point, didn't bawl this time, but sobbed for a while. It really helped that it was "at home" (pretty much) and that eight of my family (bro, his wife and kids) were around to lessen the sting a bit. My poor baby, I miss her.

I have the guilt of asking for that shot. It was probably an overdose, they had asked me how much she weighed and I may have gotten it wrong-- she had lost a lot of weight in her last year. At least the shot worked for a time, and she actually had time that afternoon that she felt good. But, the way she died.. maybe it was more of a struggle than the euthanizing shot would have been, and maybe even worse than she might have been recovering from the fever for a day or two. The right decision would have been to put her down at the vet that day, but I was too selfish to let her go early. That's more guilt. And the fever, who knows, maybe I didn't wash her back end well enough... *sigh*. The guilt doesn't help when my eyes get wet when I think about that day.

Now, do you think a movie in which the spirit of a (German Shepherd) dog comes to bid his beloved and loving master a final goodbye might make me cry? Even though I know it's just a stupid movie, it's not a real dog, there's not REALLY a heaven waiting for dog and master*, etc. etc.. But if that doesn't do it to me, then what would?

Note: My apologies to any of you who have lost people or have had experiences worse or much worse than the loss of a dog (or two). To you, a loss of a dog may be trivial, but at those times of my life, dogs were as much of the family as anyone else, and I've never yet lost any person close to me (*knock knock*), never married a preppie girl who died of cancer, etc. But I am now a father, and now I can understand better the "it's just a dog" viewpoint. I disagree with it, but I'm less in the "dogs are no less than people" camp than I used to be. But I cannot comprehend how people who lose their only child or all their children can go on living, at this point in my life I just can't understand it -- maybe once the teenage years come that'll change B)

(So now I'm trying to get my wife to agree on getting another dog, and not letting her getting anything wimpy yappy or fluffy...)

-Van

*Okay, I'm HOPING that there IS a heaven waiting for dogs and master. I've felt that if I have a spirit that leaves my body, the first thing I'll do is call for the dogs. The cats can come too, if they want, but now that they don't need to eat, why stop sleeping??