Rites of Passage

[Occhidiangela]

I have begun to notice a change in the way we, as a society, are observing that final rite of passage – the funeral.

When I was a child, a funeral had a rule-set that was fairly universally observed. The funeral was held within a week of the death, usually within three days. If lengthy travel was required by close family members to get there, it might be the full week.

People were not usually cremated. Often, there were open caskets. The ornateness of casket itself was a measure of the person’s wealth, community standing and/or the respect the family held for them.

The funeral was held in either a church (the one attended by the deceased or, at least, by the family members of the deceased) or in a funeral home.

There was always a speaker, either the priest/minister/rabbi/church leader or a family designate, who would deliver a beatified summary of the person’s life. (Sometimes, you could even wonder if you were attending the right funeral, so glowing were the terms always used.)

The gathering would be concluded with a trip to the cemetery to inter the coffin.

Lately, the only people I whose funerals have been like this have been the very elderly. The people from 70 on down have begun to request a very different send-off. They are requesting that the ceremony be described as a ‘Celebration of their Life’ and that it be a much less formal affair.

For starters, most people are now cremated. This allows considerable flexibility in the timing of the event. Most of the funerals I have been attending of late are held at a time convenient to the survivors and those who they would like to invite, sometimes many months after the death. They seldom take place in churches or funeral homes, and are more likely to take place in private homes. And they have no link to the interment (or other disposal method) of the ashes.

These private and informal events are usually characterized by a general mingling and story sharing, to pass on our memories of the individual to each other, so we can know the many facets they had and the ways in which they influenced each of us. I have come away from these events with more of a feeling of completion and peace of mind than any of those more formal events have ever generated.

So, I am wondering: Am I part of a small sub-culture of change, or is this a phenomenon that is growing everywhere? What are the funerals you attend like?

And, before anyone asks, yes, I am attending one of those events soon. Hence the subject is on my mind right now.

I recently went to one of the old school events, that had a bit of the new school style of remembrance sharing. Brother of a cop I know very well. Freemasons arrived, did some neat stuff at the coffin interment from their rites.

I left feeling very uplifted. THe family were taking very hard the loss of their son, 44 years old.

I have left written notes from my two brothers to be helpful in the framework of my passing.

Music selections, requests for where the ashes are to be disposed (my mind has changed twice on that) and a few other notes. My wife doesn't like talking about it, so I have given my brothers my input.

I could happen next week, ya see, for any of us.

The new way is not such a bad thing. Seems a way of making the best of a sad event. Your memorial looks to have carried that theme forward.

My condonlences, as well. Words don't come easy on this one.

Occhi