07-18-2008, 06:58 PM
A year and some after writing the original post in this thread, I was in the position of decision maker about how to handle the funeral of my beloved husband. So I thought I would report.
We had discussed the topic in some depth at the time of the original post, so I was reasonably sure I was, indeed, following his wishes.
We held a memorial gathering at our cottage, on the first day of summer. All guests were invited to bring a photograph or reminiscence of my husband with them, and those that were brought were tacked to the wall of the boathouse. That location became a gathering point for people to chat and reminisce and swap stories about him. It was very informal. I rented a tent, just because I worried that it might rain, and that the cottage would never hold all the people. I rented port-a-potties, because I didn't want to overwhelm the ancient but still healthy septic system. And I arranged for food and non-alchoholic drinks to be served. (This did not prevent drinking at the event; it just kept me from any criminal liability should anyone try to drive home drunk.)
I handed the camera to my two youngest sons. This gave them something to do and also gave them a more comfortable way to approach people, some of whom they had never met, to chat and glean stories of their dad. The resultant photo album will be a treasure for us and many of his friends for some time to come.
As he wished, I had him cremated. The crematorium picked his body up from the hospital, and I picked up a box full of ashes the following week. I was bemused to find that I couldn't have him cremated until an autopsy was completed. Apparently, they needed to ascertain that he did die of natural causes (and not with any of my intervention ;)) before I could have him cremated.
Some of his ashes are now planted with a tree at the cottage. This is what he asked for - that what there was left of his physical self should be at the cottage where his heart and our family life were centred. We planted a Ginkgo for him. They are very hardy and long-lived. They are very uncommon in cottage country, so it will be one of a kind there, just like my husband. And, for a bonus, we could actually plant a male tree for him. :) When my time comes, I hope my sons will plant a female one beside it for me.
We had discussed the topic in some depth at the time of the original post, so I was reasonably sure I was, indeed, following his wishes.
We held a memorial gathering at our cottage, on the first day of summer. All guests were invited to bring a photograph or reminiscence of my husband with them, and those that were brought were tacked to the wall of the boathouse. That location became a gathering point for people to chat and reminisce and swap stories about him. It was very informal. I rented a tent, just because I worried that it might rain, and that the cottage would never hold all the people. I rented port-a-potties, because I didn't want to overwhelm the ancient but still healthy septic system. And I arranged for food and non-alchoholic drinks to be served. (This did not prevent drinking at the event; it just kept me from any criminal liability should anyone try to drive home drunk.)
I handed the camera to my two youngest sons. This gave them something to do and also gave them a more comfortable way to approach people, some of whom they had never met, to chat and glean stories of their dad. The resultant photo album will be a treasure for us and many of his friends for some time to come.
As he wished, I had him cremated. The crematorium picked his body up from the hospital, and I picked up a box full of ashes the following week. I was bemused to find that I couldn't have him cremated until an autopsy was completed. Apparently, they needed to ascertain that he did die of natural causes (and not with any of my intervention ;)) before I could have him cremated.
Some of his ashes are now planted with a tree at the cottage. This is what he asked for - that what there was left of his physical self should be at the cottage where his heart and our family life were centred. We planted a Ginkgo for him. They are very hardy and long-lived. They are very uncommon in cottage country, so it will be one of a kind there, just like my husband. And, for a bonus, we could actually plant a male tree for him. :) When my time comes, I hope my sons will plant a female one beside it for me.
And you may call it righteousness
When civility survives,
But I've had dinner with the Devil and
I know nice from right.
From Dinner with the Devil, by Big Rude Jake
When civility survives,
But I've had dinner with the Devil and
I know nice from right.
From Dinner with the Devil, by Big Rude Jake