Quote: Hero Class Secrets
The second volume of the comic - "Matters of the Heart and the Head" will start next week. Meanwhile, here's top-secret leaked information about the Hero Class system that Blizzard will be putting into World of Warcraft with the upcoming expansion pack. Many Bothans died to...err, wrong game.

Mage --> Super Water Boy
You can produce highly efficient mana regeneration water, but you have to drink a beer for every stack. Don't ask.

Hunter --> Wall Hugger
You can only travel while maintaining contact with a wall, but nothing will ever aggro on you. You gain a new ability, "Feign Combat" which makes your party members see you as fighting even though you've been sitting and drinking for the past 30 seconds. You can finally use training points to teach your pet bear to dance, which is useful when panhandling in Ironforge.

Rogue --> Ninja Looter
When in a group or raid, you get a five second head start to loot any freshly-killed mob. You are flagged for free-for-all PvP during this time.

Warrior --> Ultimate Tank
You draw all aggro in a fight and have 90% damage mitigation. However, you are unable to cause any damage and cannot move. Warlocks must constantly summon you into place.

Shaman --> Bean Eater
You gain a powerful AoE attack that deals nature damage to all enemy and friendly targets within range, however you have absolutely no control over when it procs.

Paladin --> Army of One
You get every shaman ability, mage teleports, and hunter guns. Now you truly no longer need anyone, which is good because no one wants to group with you either; you lose the ability to join parties. You no longer need an internet connection to play the game.

Druid --> Secret Gardner
You get a brand new zone, called "[Your Name]-glade" created on your server just for your character! You can teleport to this zone by lying down anywhere in the game and staying perfectly still for 20 minutes. While in your special zone, you can cultivate herbs and interact with the many non-aggressive woodland critters. You also gain the ability to transform into a manatee which boosts your faction standing with pirates by 60%.

Warlock --> Best Friend
You can transport players, prevent party wipes, repair equipment, summon pack-mules and hold onto extra quests (for sharing). Other players can equip you as a trinket to increase their mounted movement rate by 3%. Once every 10 minutes, you can be licked for a random beneficial potion effect. You are very useful.

Priest --> Shadow Priest
You can heal the entire party while doing damage at the same time, you have the damage mitigation of a tank, and you gain many powerful offensive capabilities. Oh wait.