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Here's the problem - TheKingofKewl - 06-17-2008
Though I don't actually know how to not make this too personal, so I'll try not to be too descriptive where I shouldn't be.
I'll try to help provide enough facts to help Analise this, just what I think is needed so I don't loose focus.
In my relationship prior to this one, I was with a woman in her early twenties who was into going down to the bars, drinking, meeting people and dancing. These were never my things, but she rarely indulged herself in them during our relationship till near the final month. At this point her and another guy went downtown with some friends and ended up sleeping with each other, which I found out from someone else the next day. Even though this relationship never developed a feeling of trust, the physical aspect of it was always good. We'll call this girl Sarah.
I live in the city, and I met this girl (who we'll call Lorine) in the country years ago, but never liked her more then a friend. I decided two years ago to see how she was, and she invited me up to the country where she lived. This was a two hour bus drive and I stayed the weekend. I situation arouse, where her roommates found another place to leave and she had no where to go. I invited her down to stay with me and my friends, knowing this was a bad idea cause she was interested in me at the time, though I wanted her.
Lorine stayed with me for a few months, from May to around September, then went off on her own, in another part of the city, to an apartment.
During the winter, I quietly broke off contact with her, trying to decide if I could be just friends with her. By February, I became well involved with projects at work that boosted my confidence a lot and she ended up falling for me.
At the beginning of the relationship, she's very innocent, almost old fashioned. Just kisses, walking arm in arm, and going for walks. Though she had only one serious relationship, and it lasted for two years, I was sure she was a virgin, so I shut off the idea of getting lucky and just got to know her on the new level.
This might be important for later. Her mother is who she is closest to, her father cares mostly only about football when she visits around and falls asleep during the game. Her mother is very religious, but Lorine ended up rebelling on it and believing in evolution alone. Still, she developed modest virtues from it.
Lorine had a good job, but the stress factor was at times high and she quit. Living on her own, I knew this was going to be a problem for her, and though I protested at first, I agreed to move in with her within a month of the relationship. I had just left my job, so we were both jobless and spending a lot of time together which at first was great. We both eventually did get jobs again.
Right from the start Lorine wanted to be sure I wanted to have a child someday like she did, to make sure we would work out alright. About a month into the relationship, she admitted that 'someday' was more like soon. She wanted to 'get started' by Christmas, of that year, which by that point she told me it was summer. Against my better judgment, from the excitement of it we started looking at, and in some instances buying, different baby items and looking at baby items. I was never sure then if she just wanted me to have a baby.
I apologize if anyone is offended at this next part. One night, as she normally just kissed me goodnight and went into her own room and me in my own, she went to take a shower. Came out in a sexy nightgown and went around the corner to her room, and gave me a seductive look, to inspire me to follow her. I only knew her innocent side, and must have been slow cause I didn't get the meaning and just smiled back. She comes out later, sitting on a ledge that is elevated higher then my laying down position, and she has just the nightgown on. Tempted, I still didn't look, cause she was always so modest, she got discouraged and went to bed. She later told me she couldn't sleep that night, and the light in my head was at last turned on.
I don't want to go on and on forever so basically the chance went away for one reason or another over the months that passed. She showed interest in it in those months, but was very nervous and we had busy lives and it got put off. And with a death in her family, she dropped the need for a baby and things went more in perspective in her life. Eventually she told me her last boyfriend constantly hounded her for it when she wasn't ready, and she didn't give in. And that they got in vicious arguments because of it and he was a control freak and controlled how her paycheck was spent and stole from her. She told me she understood I wasn't him.
On the 30th I'll have been with her a year, for the last two months I have lived at home, my choice. To give myself some room. She cried a little, thinking it was permanent, but things are better in a sense. Still, though I can't get this relationship to get physically closer. Went to massage her back, but when I went to touch her else where, she got nervous and sat up.
She never used to say, I love you, but now she does. Just usually on the phone. She likes to kiss and slap and grab my butt but doesn't seem to like cuddling. I still sleep in the next room when I stay the night over there, even though in the beginning she was always trying to get me in her room.
Now she was trying to get us on a camping trip together, cause she thought it spice things up. It got canceled, unforeseen circumstances, and put off. I brought these problems up to her and she says she has no one but me to talk about her problems, and needs to go to the valley, see her mom and talk about them.
So I feel left waiting again, but I love this girl.
Here's the problem - Taem - 06-17-2008
Quote:So I feel left waiting again, but I love this girl.
As usual in most relationships, communication is key. If I were you, I'd tell her how you feel and that you find her physically attractive and would like to take your relationship with her to the next level. Be honest, but willing to listen to her concerns and not blow her off, but at the same time, be sure to stress where you imagine the relationship going in the future.
If you don't tell her how you feel inside, chances are she'll think your uninterested and move on, especially if she's ready to have a child. It's not so much about "stepping up to the plate", that mentality is so barbaric; it's about being honest with one another and being comfortable enough to express your feelings to one another. What type of relationship would you have if you couldn't do a simple thing like that? Not one worth staying in, that's for sure.
Just my 2-cents.
Here's the problem - kandrathe - 06-17-2008
Quote:As usual in most relationships, communication is key. If I were you, I'd tell her how you feel and that you find her physically attractive and would like to take your relationship with her to the next level. Be honest, but willing to listen to her concerns and not blow her off, but at the same time, be sure to stress where you imagine the relationship going in the future.MEAT is right. Be yourself, and be honest.
Here's the problem - TheKingofKewl - 06-17-2008
I've tried being honest and upfront, she understands, and she tells me she wants more than anything to be on the same level as me. I asked quite a few upfront questions. She just doesn't seem to have an answer right now, for them. Going to see what happens after she goes to the valley again for a bit.
Quote:MEAT is right. Be yourself, and be honest.
Here's the problem - kandrathe - 06-17-2008
Quote:I've tried being honest and upfront, she understands, and she tells me she wants more than anything to be on the same level as me. I asked quite a few upfront questions. She just doesn't seem to have an answer right now, for them. Going to see what happens after she goes to the valley again for a bit.Ok, I think I might know your problem. It sounds like you have the chemistry, and that you are intellectually compatible. But, get out of your head. Men always fail when they try to think and feel at the same time. Women have more connective tissue between the left and right sides of their brains. You need to choose between thinking or feeling. She needs you to be feeling right now. So, my diagnosis is you are thinking about it and not connecting to her emotionally. Take the pressure off her and you, instead set the mood, enjoy the moment, cook her dinner and do the dishes, watch a chic flick type movie she would like, drink some nice Cabernet. Go for walks, and point out things you think are nice. When she talks to you, just listen and ask her intelligent questions about what she is talking about. Don't steer the conversation to what you want to talk about. Focus on enjoying the time you spend together, and remember the pillar of a great relationship starts with a great open honest stress free friendship.
Here's the problem - Occhidiangela - 06-18-2008
Quote:So I feel left waiting again, but I love this girl.Then you'll be patient with her. Love is sacrifice. In the words of the Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians (which my father read at my own wedding):
I Corinthians 13, 1-13 Wrote:1 Though I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy nor boast; it is not arrogant nor rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable nor resentful;
6 Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
10 But when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love
Put differently, by The J Geils Band: Love stinks.
Occhi